hallmark moments

spending my day in fargo, i got to catch up with a few good friends of mine... i think there's an amazing element in friendships when you haven't seen each other in a year -- or two -- and conversations and laughter can still be had...
it makes me wonder what causes us to care... why do we care about each other, what we do, what will happen to us, what we are thinking/feeling/believing/contemplating... relationships are crazy things, some people just click, some take more time, others just don't work at all...
the thing i don't like is friendships where no one cares... its convenient, immediate, and enjoyable, but there's no long term investment -- if i died tomorrow, i'm sure i have some "friends" that wouldn't really care... this "friend" term can be tossed around very lightly these days, especially in a world of networking... another word, meant to carry a lot of emotion, commitment, and love, that is abused and over-used in shallow situations where short-term gain is the only commonality...
granted, some relationships are short-lived for different reasons... there are people i have met whom i really enjoyed spending time with, even if it was for 30 minutes and i will probably never see them again...
but i must say, i am really thankful for those people who i haven't seen recently or often, and we haven't really kept in touch, but time together is still such a blessing.
So thanks guys.

days go by

oh 2007... it seems to have rushed by without much warning of its disappearance... having spent so much time in a computer lab, typing, this year, i think i've only really made it to april in my own little world... but alas, the year is coming to a close and its had its moments...
best movies: difficult. "once" ... "into the wild" ... "the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford" (casey affleck gives one of the best performances of the year in my opinion. amazing.) ... "waitress" ... "across the universe" ... most of these aren't too well known, the blockbusters of this year were over-rated, i think... all the "threes", hp5, even the golden compass, although entertaining, not all that great of films... fun ones that weren't necessarily great but still fun: "300" "die hard 4.0" "transformers" "oceans 13" ... ok maybe 300 isn't your type of fun movie, but i enjoyed it...
memories: laying on a table in south africa, with a relatively warm wind, next to a campfire, listening to "chasing cars" by snowpatrol and enjoying the starlight with good friends and not a care in the world ... all the random, spontaneous songs composed by my crazy friends ... girls night out at potterrow :) ... Christmas travels have been pretty great so far, and looking forward to continuing them... setting the deposit on the round the world ticket... finishing my masters thesis... graduation night... hitting the uk with my sister...
struggles: oh so many... my relationship/guy issues resurfaced a bit, and my confusion with how to deal with it is overshadowed by my lack of interest and need to deal with it... laziness, i'm getting caught in the melancholy rhythm of life and getting lazy, even about things i love to do... prayer life = virtually non-existent... being stubborn and cynical with faith... loneliness, aren't we all?
lessons: i'm have geographical commitment issues, music can soothe the soul, family is family, and the more we appreciate time, the faster it goes...

little hicktown

a lot of movies seem to have consistent themes: the importance of relationships, the hilarity of physical injury, how life doesn't always work out as you would like but it still works out, how personal success isn't the most important thing in the world, and the concept of home... belonging... anything family related seems to be extremely common, probably because its one of those things to which the majority of people can relate...
being in wyoming, i've watched a lot of movies this past week (because there really isn't much else to do)... the last one (other than "wild hogs" hee hee) was "elizabethtown" -- a man returns to his father's home town for the funeral and realizes how well loved his father was there... there was a slight undertone of bitterness from the locals, how some woman stole him away from his high school sweetheart, how he left town for "california", but overall, elizabethtown still loved him... what it means to leave people behind...
i see myself becoming "one of those" -- this past week, a friend of my sister's said to me, at a home basketball game, "i knew you were too smart to stay in this town"... flattered, but i don't think "being smart" has much to do with it... there's all kinds of callings in this life, location is one of the details... i just don't belong in wright, wyoming... i am not the one who gets an education degree and comes back to teach at my old elementary school, or who marries her high school sweetheart, or becomes a full time waitress, or coal miner, or construction worker, or whatever... i don't know what i am, i just am, and i don't feel "at home" anywhere at the moment... edinburgh is my home now, where i stay, and i do love it... but i do appreciate coming from one of those places where i can return, have a conversation with my high school teachers, and they still remember who i am... where i can go into a store and tell someone i'm "dwight and lois's oldest" and they know what that means, and therefore who i am, and commence to tell me their life story :) i like that. community. it is rare.
saying that, if i ever have a family, i'd like my kids to be able to return to that, when they grow up and leave... even if they are bored out of their skulls as teenagers, i'd like them to know what community is like... somehow...
this week, i've also realized that our cat can play fetch (when she wants to, of course), memories are best when they are shared, and people are pretty barbaric when eating bbq ribs... in a good way, of course :)
Merry Christmas to all, and best wishes to everyone!

time travel

hmmm new years resolutions...
a new start, a new beginning, right after 5 weeks of eating a lot, or not necessarily a LOT, but a little, constantly... being lazy, enjoying the company of many loved ones, sitting around, catching up over coffee/cider/eggnog/hot chocolate/dinner/dessert and then watching holiday movies/the football game/old family videos/people open gift after gift after gift... the holidays are a break from our normal schedules, reality, life... and after new years, our last 24 hours of indulgence, all of it comes rushing back as we go back to our lives, seeing the extra calories, feeling the lack of exercise, receiving the credit card bills.. so new years resolutions are made, in those moments between weakness and being overwhelmed, when we are inspired and motivated to do something different with our lives, change small things and big things, to make our lives better...
i've never been a fan of new years resolutions... maybe because its not a big thing for anyone in my family, just like i've never really been big on giving things up for lent... but that changed last year and it was a good change (i gave up being lazy... it worked, for awhile)... maybe i'll have a new years resolution to not be lazy all year... that would do me some good... its one of the greater struggles in my life... to be lackadaisical, apathetic, too accepting -- to the point of being spineless about the events in life... its a fear i have, to settle for anything less than what i expect or wish... i like contentment, comfort, just not settling... not that i feel i have settled for anything, the instability in my life should give enough evidence for that... i just don't want to slip into the real world everyone keeps telling me about and asking me about and if i have a future planned out...
but i still have time to figure out a new years resolution, i guess...

i've decided that i use this too often to complain about things, so i'm going to force myself to count the blessings in my life, taking advice from Og Mandino's "God Memorandum" -- regardless of my very strong natural tendencies right now... cuz i don't really have anything to complain about. really.
my family loves me... as much as we don't see eye to eye and we don't understand each other and don't listen to each other (sorry: complaining), we accept that and just get along, even when we really don't... they are crazy, fun, energetic, strange, and motivated people who only want the best for their loved ones, and willing to sacrifice much of themselves for that... proof is in the past...
i am sitting in an amazing spot in life right now... i am able to travel, see things and people and places, experience culture, food, music, and adventure beyond my farmhood imagination and there's more to come...
God loves me... as much as i've denied Him in the last - oh, lifetime, deep down i know this and maybe i'll get back to a place where i can feel this and see this without effort...
i am home for christmas... every serenader's dream... and its a white one, with more snow coming tonight!

working class barbie

my brother is writing an essay for school titled "what is happiness?" -- rather, he's supposed to be writing it but is watching ESPN... regardless, he has a collection of short essays in which to compare, contrast, etc. etc... one of them was an interesting take on the "modern woman" trend to stay single longer and delay, if not completely forgo, getting married and having a family... my brother (age 17) said its a selfish lifestyle and at 30 or 40, those women will look back and wonder what they missed out on... i gave him the eye, reminding him that i am 24 and as single as they come.. yes that's a ways from 30, but that's not the point right now... one of the closing statements by the author mused that in the pursuit of "finding themselves", women may use the excuse of being in fear to lose themselves in order to keep them from giving any part of them away...
i don't know if i would agree with that -- but i do have commitment issues, i will admit that fairly readily... i just haven't found the right person...
sitting around the table with my dad's co-workers last night, i highly doubt i'll find that person in rural wyoming... true, all these people were 20+ years my senior, but not the point... our interests, our viewpoints, our priorities, all in different places, different levels... they are all great conversation and wonderful people... we're just different, and many of the people here in town (all 1,800 of them) have similar trains of thought... so my dad's subtle messages of wanting me to settle down in wyoming and get a career, house, car, husband, etc. may have to continue a little longer and remain unfulfilled...
and selfish as this may be, i will wait for the one that appreciates, understands, challenges, and respects my thoughts, passions, motivations, beliefs... i won't become apathetic to myself in fear of "missing out" on family life in my 20s... whatever we do in life, there's always something we're missing...
Kyle's thesis statement: acceptance is the key to happiness, acceptance of the things we can't change, and acceptance of the consequences of those we can change... whatever my choices, whatever my life, i will be happy with it, single or not, 24 or 34, still searching for myself or learning how to share...

colors of an ice-covered edible rainbow

my first snow in about a year... since new years 2006, really... the 2 weeks i spent in the USA last year weren't very "white" as far as ground cover goes, very brown... but back to now, got to experience the NYC rain/sleet/snow... fun... i still ventured out, saw grand central terminal, carnegie hall, central park... and this was the day i walked past stuff, took a photo, and kept going... cuz the weather sucked, plainly said... but checked out the hershey's store (not impressive) and M&M world... very impressive... all the colors and chocolate everywhere... if i could fall in love with a capitalistic business, this would be it :) but came home to watch 'memoirs of a geisha' -- and then deni and vasi came home and we ordered sushi and had conversations in english and bulgarian (cuz deni's mom is also over to visit and she doesn't speak much english)... some sentences can be understood regardless of what words are used though ;-) a very relaxing night, good to catch up with deni and vassi... i couldn't live this life though... vassi works 8-4, deni works 9 - 9? 10? 12? 2am? whenever that day's project and reports are finished... she's in investment banking, she wears a suit and reports to VPs and MDs and etc etc etc but loves the people she works with and for, which is good... its the kind of job you need, i think, to be able to live in new york, to afford it, survive it... its a busy city, a tall city, a noisy city... i just don't think i could live here, ever, and actually enjoy it, and i don't think that about many places at all, just here and paris so far, i guess... i would even live in london over new york... its the type of city where adults are made, and i don't think i'm ready for that :D

wishing for the yellow submarine

i spent the day living vicariously through my own imagination, fueled by my scant knowledge of history and my surroundings... walking down the esplanade (i think) from the financial district to the staten island ferry, seeing the statue of liberty silhouetted in the sunset, and whilst on the ferry itself, cruising along in the waters... thinking, although this isn't the exact skyline that so many people, my own great-great grandparents included, yearned for, that copper woman on her lil' island was the sight they had all heard about... how glad they must have been, just for the sight of land after how many days, weeks, across a massive ocean... and i complain about jet lag after an 8 hour flight... how nervous, scared, and tentative about the unknowns that awaited on that shore... the anxiety with the legal process of immigrating... so many emotions on those ferries...
new york is one of those places where i can imagine some parts of history, like wall street and all that jazz... its what i do in the UK alot, also... except in the US, we're not as keen on keeping our old buildings, we'd rather have a plaque in the sidewalk outside of the skyscraper that now covers the area where something used to be... i guess there's a lot of mystery behind our fascination with history anyway... why do we dedicate massive buildings to put old stuff in? and we pay to walk around and look at this stuff, glimpses of the past, whether its a portrait, castle, or belt buckle...
its also the home of ground zero... its a massive construction site, which on a selfishly morbid thought, was somewhat disheartening for me... i like my photography, big fences, cranes, and orange vests aren't that photogenic... but that aside, its 6 years later... its time to rebuild... visiting the WTC memorial building brought me to tears today... the photos of the new york city skyline pre-9/11.. those towers were massive. walking along with the amoeba of corporate america and looking out windows to see construction, not a set of massive, glass-enclosed buildings looking back at me... i never saw the world trade center, but again, living vicariously, i can't imagine what it must be like, to see a gaping hole where a business center stood... my friends live 10 minutes walking distance, in a straight line, from where the twin towers stood... close enough to have felt the ground shake, smelled the fuel burning, hear the people scream... i can't imagine what it would've been like... so many buildings, so many people, so close together... and the heart of it all was slashed away...
so yes, today i cried... not because it affected me personally, nah, 9/11 has yet to mean something personally to me... so many others were hurt though, personally... they lost, they were left, they sacrificed...
right now, ground zero is not much to see... but its something i think every american should see... tragedies happen every day, everywhere, this is true... thousands of people are needlessly killed everyday... but taking it all on is highly overwhelming... oh i'm drifting... you get my point...

crunching the big apple

they wanted to charge me $7.50 for a chicken caesar wrap. welcome back to the USA! i said no...
so i'm back in the states, after the over night train from edinburgh to london, the train to heathrow, 6 hours in that airport, 8 on the plane, and 2 hours of various forms of public transportation in new york city, i sit in an apartment with my roommate from my first year at macalester, and my body thinks it's 4 am... and someone is vacuuming upstairs...
watched some great films on the way over... "waitress" which stars keri russell and andy griffith, a "sundance" film, really really good... all about relationships and realities and people and how we change... how life changes... "the darjeeling limited", again about relationships but family ones, a wes anderson film, and that about sums it up... and "the counterfeiters", a german film based on the true story of the jewish counterfeiters, printers, and artists who were forced to make british pounds and american dollars for the nazis during WWII... virgin atlantic is the way to fly, about 30+ films to choose from, great service, AMAZING desserts, and there was hardly anyone on our airbus flight so we all basically had rows to ourselves... not saying much for the environment, but i bought back the carbon miles already... need to hit the city tomorrow though, or later today... or whatever day it is... lady liberty here i come!

the spinning needle

two strands of thought:
first, the golden compass was an enjoyable movie: lots of action, great acting (for the most part), special effects were incredible... but complaints: i wish they had made the movie a bit longer and aimed for a slightly older audience, allowing for character development and a clearer story line; i didn't like how the reading of the alethiometer was interpreted, it bothered me how they changed the order of the storyline but understand why, and they changed a name... and the ending... but overall, enjoyable
second, i give full support to people who protest seeing the film for its anti-religion (anti-Judeo-Christianity, more or less) take, which i have to admit is clearer in the film than in the book... but please know what you're arguing against... like any good argument...

the eye in the storm.. and the storm

my friend jeannie also came to visit... it was a lot shorter of a visit and a lot more relaxed, meaning we didn't hit every 2-4-1 cocktail deal we found :) but it was still really good, she spent some time in inverness with her cousin also, so didn't see as much of her as i'd liked, but gave me a day to catch up on sleep :) we climbed arthurs seat, went to the national museum in edinburgh, saw lots more people in st andrews and saw the sights WITHOUT the crutches! went to a film at the dominion, had fish and chips, saw jk rowlings house, went around the Christmas carnival and german market in the city centre.. had some really good chats which was much appreciated.. good to just open up... wish it had been a longer stay but it's soon my turn to travel...

i'm flying out to nyc in 4 days or something crazy to start my own holiday, visiting my roommate from 1st year at Macalester to start the holiday, as well as catching more people from Mac and St. Andrews... then out to wyoming.. then north dakota... then minneapolis/st. paul.. then chicago... then back to edinburgh... why? cuz i'm home here, for now... its not permanent... those details later... but i can't find myself living in wyoming, trying to establish a temporary life and then leaving all over again... aside from my family, not much sits for me in wright, wyoming... the friends i had, left... like we all did... its all okay, i love where i'm living, who i'm living with, and where i'm working, even when i complain about it... so i'll be in the UK until the first part of may... after that?...

taking the UK by storm

right. photos are going up on facebook, thoughts going down in blogger land. i am back from my holiday from my little bubble and going to tell you all about the adventures -- hopefully briefly. but this won't last long, cuz i'm flipping the coin and will be traveling soon... but that's later...
my lil' sis erica was over to visit for 10 days... we saw the sights of edinburgh, both the touristy stuff : castle, calton hill, arthurs seat, the new parliament, the royal mile, jenners, had haggis, neeps, and tatties, fish and chips, and so on, and also the non-touristy stuff: the dominion cinema, jk rowling's house, my flat, the waiting room (the local pub), the cowgate on a saturday night... day trip to st andrews: rugby game was cancelled, sad... met some of my friends, saw the old course, new course, castle, cathedral, pier, walked along the pier in one of the windier days i'd been up there and we were both yelling, terrified :), north sea, jannetta's ice cream, my stomping grounds in st andys... glasgow: shopping streets which included primark and every pound shop in town, tallest cinema in the world, coolest pub in the world (i think), river clyde, a glasgow gig, a mini-pub crawl for cocktails, a funky club, the lighthouse, staying with a friend of mine... london: all the sights, buckingham palace, westminster, houses of parliament, big ben, the london eye, regent park, kensington park and peter pan, leicester square, the british museum, a hostel, and the lion king on the west end (highly, highly recommend it to EVERYONE!!!)... all of which involved speaking german to random men, getting drinks from random men, dancing with random men, pictures in kilts with random men... you get the idea...
i told everyone my sister is a blond version of myself who talks more and is a lot crazier... only now do they believe me :)
we had great fun... but now you know why i was tired...

the differences between lemonades

its been awhile since i've taken time to sit down and contemplate on a computer... often this occurs at home, while i'm sitting in my bed with a journal and am able to see my breath cuz its that cold in our flat... but i still like it... winter in scotland...
my sister erica is over visiting... its a bit strange, because she is a part of my life that has been absent for 5+ years or so... we've both changed a lot... in good ways... we haven't really talked in a long time, didn't hang out much last xmas... its been really good... we are a lot more alike than i would have ever expected...
we had haggis, neeps, and tatties... hello scotland :)
if anything, she has reminded me that no matter what happens, we're still family...
and now i officially have another degree... what a world this is...

giga-life

sunday: usually relaxed, starts with breakfast and usually a sermon -- the last few weeks saturday night has been too long so i've gone to the evening service. end the day with a spiritual challenge, maybe a spiritual high, and intense re-realizations about my faith that i've known for years but have forgotten over those years.
monday: usually a good day, refreshed from sunday, pro-active, productive, go to work for a chill day at the cinema
tuesday: another short day at the cinema, probably run in the morning, read, watch a film, enjoying the late start to the day before work
wednesday: full day at work. having to work until 9 - 10 at night, every night, starts to wear on me. crabby customers leads to a crabby lisa.
thursday: day off from work. small group bible study at night usually reminds how much i've ignored God and the solid concepts of my faith since sunday.
friday: long day at work. reminded how bored i am of my job while trying to hold on to the fact that i have a job, its easy, it pays rent, coworkers are great, bosses are alright, should have no complaints. but i still complain.
saturday: busy, long day at work. feel under-appreciated, under-worked and over-worked at the same time. dulled into melancholy and forget to see the little joys of life while focusing on the little annoyances.
sunday: start over again.

hmmm...

why is it that people ask for black coffee and then ask why there isn't any milk in it?
why is our natural (or usual) reaction to things we don't understand, fear?
why do we close our eyes when we're about to get hit or collide with something, as if that will make it hurt less?
why are we compelled to eat when watching television or movies?
why do we have different taste preferences?
why do we love to question ideas like the universe, infinity, the after life, and other things that will probably never have an answer?
why are we inclined to swat flies?
why are high heels professional, instead of tennis shoes?
why do we laugh?
why do we cry?
why do we hiccup? no, really, why?

my head buzzes, and its not the cider i'm drinking on an empty stomach... it was long before the drink...
matthew 23 or something around there... the end of days, the Lord separates the sheep from the goats... one blessed with eternal life, the other cursed with eternal damnation... harsh but it makes up the disciplinary backbone of Christianity...
except it talks about works...
clothe... feed... water... visit... care for... shelter... love...
whatever you do for the least of my brothers, you do for me...
just our Christian brothers (/sisters)? i argue that... i don't believe for any instance that our good works, as Christians, would be limited to caring for the immediate needs of solely Christians... granted, other passages encourage helping anyone and everyone (the good samaritan)... but this one has consequences, the Lord bases his judgment of humanity on this (their) acts or lack thereof...
i don't think its limited to Christian brothers... i think its all brothers of the flesh... i would almost argue its the world included, nature not excluded... we have unlimited love, how can it be limited?
i don't know, its complicated, salvation and the like... For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believed in Him may not die but have eternal life... and He came, not to judge, but to save... but the sheep who served the least will enter the gates...
i don't get it...
i don't like it...

self-exiled

again, the questions of where to do next lie in front of me... where to live, what to do when i'm there, who to be with, the questions we all face... moving in with my parents is an option, where i would work in that little town is a huge question but i have the blind faith that something would work out, as would meeting new people and friendships to be formed... the faith that i would be happy there is severly lacking, however... staying in the uk for a bit longer is also an option, albeit a more complicated one, logistically... all and all, the one thing i fear is getting stuck... i don't want to get bored, burnt-out, isolated in my own depressed and idle state... i would want out... but where would i go then? where is out? is that going to be a life-long trend -- i get bored, so i want out, something new, foreign, terrifying, different... eleanor roosevelt said "do one thing everyday that scares you"... it keeps the adrenile up, the nerves awake, the senses alive, life unpredictable...
a good thing, i'm not bored in scotland yet... i complain about the weather, but on days when the sun shines, i can't help but smile... i guess the rain even makes me laugh sometimes... but when is this stage of my life done? when is my next tangent? and where will it go...

the tension within

growing up in rural north dakota, where most people have some sort of guidance by the Christian church, i was under the false impression that being a Christian is easy... you go to church, go to school, go to work, all with the same people... no need for theological or philosophical argument... ha.
being a Christian is not easy...
the concepts are easy enough... love your neighbor... give to the "have-nots" what you have enough of... love your God... forgive (although that is a very difficult thing, the concept itself isn't too hard)... treat others like you would like to be treated, genuine and kind... basically, love...
why is it so difficult? why does Christianity have a bad reputation, and those that claim to be tolerant are intolerant of Christianity alone? why must those who live today suffer the angst caused by those of generations ago?
it isn't easy... it is no longer conventional... but we were warned... and its worth it...

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.Romans 8:17

music and peace and the gift of the tree

jared, zelda, and i went to a xavier rudd gig on wednesday night... i'm convinced there's no instrument the guy can't play... at least 4 different guitars, including a slap metal, acoustic, electric, and 12-string acoustic, while playing percussion (with his feet), and either harmonica or didgeridoo, or playing chimes and bongos and cymbols and bass... it was a really cool experience... also cool just because the guy really enjoys music, and playing music, and his beliefs and thoughts and soul comes out in his words... i like that... i believe that's what music is for... speaking to souls...

between Narnia and Terabithia

church makes me think... since karl, you read this every now and then, KARL YOU MAKE ME THINK! it's a good thing, and its a reason i went back to church in college... God brought me back to faith, faith brought me back to church...

anyway, not the point... the kingdom of God... manifested in the world... i have to say i've been blessed enough to experience it... working at red willow bible camp with some amazing Christians who aren't focused on litanies (i have no idea how to spell that), denominations, or Eucharist differences... although we discussed them between us who were Catholic / Mennonite / Lutheran / Baptist / Evangelical / non-denominational / confused, the differences between our faith in God didn't get between us or our focus on God... we had youth delivered to us every week, to escape from the "real world" / "matrix" / "civilization", whatever you want to call it, and we were all able to dwell in God's kingdom... not ignoring the pains and the realities of the life in which we live, but dealing with it and encouraging healing and faith and God showed His power... those were the most amazing summers of my life... the hardest thing was letting those kids go at the end of each week, knowing what they were going back to... but also knowing where we would return at the end of each summer...

we are in the world, but not of it... let Your Kingdom come

where have all the cowboys gone?

my flatmate naomi and i spend much of our time together, when neither of us is at work or working on college stuff, discussing the problems of the world, where they stem from, and how to solve them... our latest discovery: the issue with children these days -- apathy via Disney.

that's right, it's all disney's fault...ok, not in entirity, but hear me out...

think of the disney films "lion king" and earlier... all the way back to "snow white", the original, i believe... evil is a core presence in disney cartoons... everyone wanted Scar to get his just desserts... Captain Hook killed his own pirates with no regard and threatened the carefree lifestyle of childhood... Malificent is the scariest woman to ever be animated... maybe to ever be portrayed in a movie. ever. they all eminated evil. bad. they threatened lives, cast a dark shadow, scary music followed them everywhere they went, and their sidekicks, whilst they could be comic relief at times, they still had horrible motivations...

disney doesn't do that anymore... maybe they ran out of really really good fairy tales and folk tales and stories of ancient lore to animate... regardless, in one of their latest animations "meet the robinsons", the bad guy stole a time machine or something that threatened the advancement of technology in the future, so the futuristic world wouldn't have flying cars... simplified, but you get the idea: weak....

with definite sides of good and bad, we could identify with the good side (presumably), and actually care about the outcome... we wanted good to win, evil be defeated, and our disney happy ending... and those villains were more evil and heartless than anyone we could ever imagine possibly existing (i hope and again, presume)... without this, we become apathetic... and i think it could possibly affect kids in reality... the line between good and bad is blurred, characters are too "pc", and that carries over... good and bad don't have definition, everything is acceptable, and when you try to say something isn't (like knife or gun violence), they don't care because they can't see that...

if jafar or the evil stepmother were walking the streets, life would be different...

we still get it in live action films (harry potter, lord of the rings, even the first pirates of the caribbean)... good fights evil... evil is defeated, even if its a horrible, gruesome, difficult fight...

if we can't figure out if we're the dragon or prince charming, how is sleeping beauty ever going to wake up? ok, that's a bit airy and philosophical and i could go on forever, but you get the picture...

radio broadcasting

its one of those things you can't help but reminisce about... a few days late, but nonetheless...

i ignore alarms in my sleep... i've slept through a fire alarm once... so i wake up to the radio, i have for years, and i probably always will... during high school i had this amazing talent of going to sleep around 2 and waking up before 7 and not being tired... but my alarm would go off around 6:15 or so, i'd hit the snooze once or twice, and then venture out of my bed and out the door, more or less... that morning, i remember hearing something about a tower, on fire, plane crash, vague words that didn't seem like they were news at the moment, more like words from an insurance company commercial... and then i hit the snooze button... i woke up with the next blurb of radio, and walked up the stairs... my brother, 11 years old at the time, had this thing about waking up at 5 to watch ESPN... i suppose its so he can join in the sports chat all day long at school... but it wasn't NFL highlights... it was new york city, one tower of the world trade center, burning, pieces of glass and plane and walls flaking off of it... a few moments later, another plane intercepted the screen and the second tower was hit, live on national television... i don't think either my brother or i really realized what was going on...

that day at school, like most places across the nation, we watched cnn all day long, hearing updates about more plane crashes, pilots, victims, cell phone calls... it's all kind of a blur... but the next morning, as i was walking through the park to school, one of the many usual pickup trucks drove by, windows rolled down, stereo blasting... it wasn't the usual rap / r&b / country mix that everyone listened to at the time... it was the patriotic anthem "God bless the USA"... i don't know if i've ever experienced a more patriotic moment...

that was the day i thought the nation could change... the world could change... we could all be united for a cause, the ageless cause of being disturbed by evil and fighting against it... but evil has corrupted the antagonist of evil (sorry this is getting vaguely preachy and political) but no longer is our reason for remembering 9/11 a memorial to those who were sacrificed, to those who altered the path of the plane meant for the white house, to the everyday people who became heroes, to those who lost loved ones, to those who stepped up in uniform and dedicated themselves to the freedom and liberty america was founded upon... not that i'm a politician or understand much of what's going on, but i just view everything that has emerged from all of this as a struggle for power... power over money, resources, people, a fight to gain something for ourselves... yes we lost something that day, 6 years ago, but we are losing more and more as the days go on, and i can't see us gaining anything worthy enough to replace all that we've lost...

machismo

i wonder about my image sometimes... i wonder if some guys are too convinced that i'm "one of the guys" and hence i don't have my days where i'm crabby, moody, just need to be left alone, and all the stress won't go away with food... it usually helps, but in the last week when i've been moderately stressed, i've noticed that my male friends are a bit confused and a little hurt by my snappy remarks and desire to just have time alone... i try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum, as i always do, but with my masters thesis looming over my head, it's been a bit stressful... so i do apologize... but i also use the excuse that i'm a girl and that's the way we are sometimes... that said, guys have mood swings too, but i guess i want to make it clear that my stressed-out behavior is nothing personal, against anyone... and i am continually amazed at the patience and love that my friends all possess...

another note, now that jared has moved in with naomi and i, i've noticed some interesting things about living with a guy... they are more concerned and less-laid back about things (like a smelly fridge) than they'd like to appear... they are much more concerned about their appearances than they'd ever admit... no matter how many times you remove them, the newspapers ALWAYS end up back in the bathroom...

volcano

have you ever had days when you just want to scream really really loud just because there's a lot of energy trapped inside of you and you don't know what else to do about it?

the adventure into the abyss

the first few times i tried watching "garden state" i got up and left the room because natalie portman's character is incredibly annoying the first 30 minutes, in my opinion... a few weekends ago, i was too ill to blink, so i watched the whole thing, and its quickly become one of my favorite films... it encompasses the redundancies, randomness, and realities of life so well... the writing is incredible, poetic without being unrealistic, and the awkwardness of returning to small-town life where everyone knows you, you know everyone, and it seems like nothing has changed but you know you have -- you see someone on the street you haven't seen in years, and you know you should say something but there's nothing really to say, and the silence that follows -- its all in there... the pain of living, the conversations that never happen, the words that are never said, its all in there... the ability that we all have to do something random and irrational and not have a clue to what we're doing but we're doing it anyway, its also there... i was impressed, and i don't think it was the delirium...

and portman's character quits being annoying after those first 30 minutes, right after the point where i usually got up and left... oh irony...

please keep your arms and legs inside the magic carpet

i went to a festival show entitled "bigger than Jesus" friday night with jared, tim, and jess... a man's depiction of the history of christianity, the story of Jesus' life, and the abuse of Christ's name throughout history and today, essentially... extremely well performed, well written, and very very funny in parts... a "Jesus Christ Superstar" music video cover with action figure Jesus, Darth Vader, and Judas was a Homer Simpson Pez Dispenser... anyway, one of his points came up in Karl's sermon on sunday... living a legend... we have one life to live, what impact will we leave behind? Jesus still has impact 2000+ years later... people mourned for Moses 30 days after he died and he was attested to be the most powerful and faithful prophet ever... not that i'm shooting for a lifestyle of biblical proportions, but what will i leave behind? it doesn't even have to be after i'm dead... we all walk through places and leave our footprints... what will people remember about me? WILL they remember me? its quite the question, one of which i can't really figure out if i really care if the answer is yes or no... the people that will remember me (i hope) are the ones that matter to me, really, and is there much we can do to be remember beyond our friends' and families' memories? i don't think so, and i don't think our future legacy is what's important... it's the present one, it's a temporary one, but it's important... the fact that it doesn't last cannot be a deterrant to ignore that it exists, even if just for a moment... i have to remind myself when i wake up that life is to be lived... a legacy, a journey, whatever, it's there... i'm not going to be one of those people that dies before i die...
but, it is a curious question... what will i be remembered for? i'd like to think it'd be my sense of humor, cooking skills ;) , love for life, love for the environment, and love for people... that i have faith in God, although questioning, and faith in humanity, although wavering, and faith that the sun will rise tomorrow on something better... hopefully.

windows

austin asked me what i got out of my recent trip to SA... i've thought about it, i'm sure it's a potentially long answer, but in short (hopefully)...

about myself -- i'm much much happier when i'm outdoors constantly, and i'm sure the sunshine helped... i feel different, i look different, i am different when i'm doing something i love

about faith -- i still struggle greatly with the whole evolution / creation bit... evolution makes sense in my head, creation makes sense in my heart, and basically i don't understand it all, no one does, and no one ever will... makes for good conversation... i also struggle with injustice and the evil in the world, and i struggle with my lack of doing anything about it... but that can change

about conservation -- its a dire dire career move... but its one of the only things that i can actually see myself caring about enough to do something about... the world is such a beautiful place... humanity is polluting it, humanity should clean it up

about men -- my life is too unpredictable right now to honestly consider a relationship in the real sense of the word... but its really really nice to get to know someone, for them to know you, for stories to be swapped, for mutual physical attraction, and for a good night kiss

about me not being a morning person -- with the right amount of sunshine, a cool enough temperature, and the right singing partner, anyone can wake up happy :)

an oyster in my hand

lately i've been thinking about the future, as we all do, especially when it's uncertain, which will probably be the for the remainder of my life... i look at the job market and different directions to go, and a lot of it sounds amazing, and some of it i even feel qualified for... but as much as i love and hate to admit it, i'm not at a stage in my life where i feel ready to settle down... i know of 5 sets of friends who have gotten married in the last 2 months, all my age or younger... 4 new babies have popped up in my relatives' lives... and my parents and grandparents continue to hint at the question "when are you going to move home, settle down, find a man, and have babies?"... although i've decided that my family is prolific enough for me never to have children, starting a family is also one of the last things on my mind... at the moment, i have this embedded knowingness (if that can be a word) that i will not be settling for a while, if ever... i've said it before, but i'll say it again, i have many homes and i don't know if that will ever change... my attention span is too short and my curiousity too large to settle...
this may all change, of course... there is a group of us that are planning on traveling for the next year, volunteering or working for different places in different parts of the world, gaining experience in conservation and hopefully making the world a better place little by little... of course there's selfish motivation behind it -- the world is a big big place, and its all at my fingertips... i want to see it...
of course my relatives don't like this... it's unheard of in my family, it's scary, it's unpredictable, it's full of uncertainty... i like that... it feeds my independence and drains my bank account... i'm okay with that...
traveling with these guys from my masters course will be an amazing experience... we all have this innate desire to help the environment, help people understand and want to help the environment... and we'll all get to experience it together... that's the one thing that scares me about this lifestyle that seems to be looming ahead of me... regardless of when it happens, our little clan will most likely split as life takes us different directions... it's happened before, it will happen again and again... more so if i keep packing up and going other places... i don't want to experience this alone for the entirity of my life... i want adventure, but i want to share it with someone... i want challenges and obstacles, but i want someone there to encourage me and be encouraged by me... i want someone else to remember the times when the beauty of Creation is so immense words can't describe it and it can only be experienced in the flesh... i want to fall asleep next to someone, knowing that neither of us knows what tomorrow brings but we're both perfectly fine with that...
but until someone comes along and can keep up, i guess i always have the voices in my head :)

stars in the twilight

today is one of those days i would skive and go sit in the park or climb arthur's seat and just ignore the amount of work sitting next to me...
on another note, someone told me recently that a realization he made one day was that people could be at their best, and the world will still be at its worst... i find it easy to look around at the disasters in the world and be overwhelmed by the state of our home planet, and i find it equally easy to focus in on the little things in life that are simply amazing and full of goodness... they both exist at the same time... as pessimistic as that statement may seem, its reality... i don't think its a bad thing, just true... its frustrating and dumbfounding when the world's problems overshadow the goodness that people can bring to the world... we just can't give up, that's the key to it all, i think...

what will it take, when will we see
life is not how its meant to be
maybe the sun will rise tomorrow

the meaning of creation

so back to the world wide web... it's really great being back with people i know and love but it sucks having to face 6 weeks of typing and computer slavery... but i could have worse to complain about so i'm done with that...
south africa was amazing... i realize that i had a very sheltered experience, isolated on a wildlife reserve for a month, only seeing the same 20 people most of the time, and when we did go out in public, we got stares cuz we hadn't looked in mirrors for weeks...
i loved it
yesterday when deliriously walking up the street in edinburgh to get lunch and good banter, i realized i love the rural lifestyle... life in a city is fun, and it is a convenient, exciting, and efficient, and often productive way of living, often with more opportunity and jazz anyone could ever fully comprehend or utilize... but there's something so much more personal about sitting around a campfire with a beer and laughter and good people before dinner, something about waking up to really annoying geese while in a freezing cold and dark tent, something about the work day starting and stopping with the sun...
for me, that's living... flowing with the rhythm of nature and God's creation and revelling in the beauty of a running giraffe, a wailing jackal, and the sting of an acacia tree... instead of working against the clock, deadlines, time, everyone and everything...
different ways for different people...
what a wonderful world

i flit i float...

i leave for south africa tonight... well, early tomorrow morning but i consider it tonight... i'm packed, mostly ready to leave, and have no idea what to expect... i'm anxious, excited, nervous, hyper, but mostly have no idea what to expect...
so au revoir for now, the game reserve i doubt will have access to much of any contact, so take care and love you all...
see you in august...

sharp yet soft

i've been reading a lot lately -- about poaching and bushmeat, GIS and stats, and Philip Pullman's trilogy "His Dark Materials"... its a fantastic tale about the struggle of humanity to understand and control good and evil and its discomfort with the "the fall"... and it all revolves around a 12 year old girl... they've turned the first one into a movie "the golden compass" which comes out in december... it looks fantastic, like harry potter meets pirates of the caribbean... anyway, in the book, people of the girl's world have their souls represented on the outside of their bodies, their "daemons" -- and yes its pronounced demon but lets not get silly and start going heretical on me ;) -- so of course in the era of the world wide web you can go to the book's website and take a test and find out what your daemon is, what animal form your characteristics (in 20 questions) would take...
it's fun... and a great read... and looks like a great movie... so for all of you wondering what's after hp #7 and you haven't read this series, i'd recommend it... and then go figure out your daemon! :)

the cracked vessel

there are tons of verses in the new testament that talk about how we are saved through faith... how people were healed through their faith... how people failed because they had no faith... how people won't be saved because they don't have faith... Peter sank because he didn't have faith... "oh ye of little faith"...

if it is perfect faith in the Savior that saves us, i don't know if i have that... i don't know what that looks like...

but i know believing in everything else got me nowhere, when i actually sit down and pray i feel more reassured, when i leave a church service or conversation or worship jam where spirituality existed and God was present i carry the sorrow in my heart with a smile, and when things seems impossible, i know God's got it in control...

i am a proud person, i find it really difficult to give things up to God and believe he'll take care of all... but it takes perfect faith to do that... and i believe he'll work with me and love me even in the majority of the time when i'm not loving him back...

i don't have perfect faith, but i am perfectly loved...
how crazy is that?

realizations

racism is still real. and still pointless. and still hurtful.

the most intelligent people in the world are still people.

i'm not afraid of commitment, i'm afraid of settling.

i'm too good at procrastinating.

when life is boring, its my own fault.

even really unique looking pubs can belong to chains.

cuff links are the funniest accessory ever created.

i take my luxurious life for granted.

american ice cream is so much better than british.

tree huggers

i've just finished reading "blue like jazz" and after reading "the time traveler's wife" and "perfume" i have to say that the style miller uses in his book doesn't make par with my standards, but wording and editing aside, the messages are solid and i agree with a lot of his disgust with religion and issues with christianity and inspired by his admittedly wavering desire to do something about the mess the world is in and not lose the faith in the process...

one thing that has stuck with me is something he brings up around the middle of the book... he lived with a bunch of hippies in a forest for a month... and they were loving, accepting, non-judgemental, very contrasting to the christian environment he grew up in, and i find this very true of many (but not all, by any means) christian groups i've been in... christians judge people, i judge people, there's usually a watchful eye and unfortunately a lot of gossiping voices at any christian social / meeting / potluck / after service coffee hour... is it just something of the nature of the history of the church? we're aspiring to be on the golden paved side of the pearly gates when judgement day comes along and we like to look at everyone else in order to reassure ourselves of our secured place in heaven? but even Christ said he has come to love, not to judge -- to save the world, not condemn it (john 3:17)... so why are we so quick to condemn, smirk, whisper, and ignore the skeletons in our closets? why are the liberal "pagan" communities often viewed as more loving? is it a marking difference between hippies and the conservative world?

i think there's a difference between tolerance and love, i don't know how to paint it in black and white but there's a difference... and if anything, i think i'd like to live in a forest for a while...

the perspective of a spoon in a nyc cafe

i've been sitting in a cafe in edinburgh, coming up with random phrases for book titles...
the crystal labyrinth
intermission
a whisker of thoughts
the footsteps of bel air

and other random stuff...
if only i could have the ambition to sit down and write something needing a title...

dandelions

concrete. solid, heavy, trust-worthy, man-made foundation. supports much of the western world.
but i still find myself gazing at the little plants that find the cracks in the concrete, sprout, stubbornly grow through the weaknesses in something that makes up so much of our material world... something so small, green, and natural still manages to grow and blossom. be alive.
it's the little things like these that profess the power of our Creator in my world... we can construct all we want... He'll still find the cracks and let flowers grow...

whirlwind

i finished everything, except for my dissertation, which isn't due until september.. which means i'll start next week...
in the last two weeks i spent 8-15 hours a day in the computer lab, sat in a photo shoot for a friend, met a doctor from nyc and gave him my number (he never called), met a post-doc research jock from seattle (he did call), cleaned up lotsa popcorn, made a cake that looked like a ship, hosted a birthday/pirate party and watched pirates of the caribbean 1 and 2 back to back, had a friend (lexi) from macalester come over from france and we were tourists for a weekend, re-read the story of all the people whose faiths were undoubting, and they were healed, read "the time-traveler's wife", ate too much, got my last rabies shot, called my parents after they called me to make sure i was still alive, got a new roommate (she's irish), pondered the wonder of plants being able to break through concrete, and bought five bottles of ketchup for the cinema...
i need a nap...
but that's my life at the moment...
and i still love you all

007

there are some words that intimidate me, and they all start with the letter "m"...
marriage.
maturity.
motherhood.
mortgage.
they all scream commitment, which is probably why they are intimidating... i still have a commitment issue, but i really value loyalty... where is the line?

myotis daubentonii

i went bat hunting last night.

ok, not really, i helped with a bat survey for a university / regional conservation / consultation / information -- short of the long, scientists want to know more about these bats cuz that's what scientists do, for knowledge's sake and for consultation's sake...

so i got my rabies vaccination, got my hat, and got on the train... we set up a mist net under a bridge, set up echolocation detectors along the canal, got out the walkie-talkies and waited... talked about bats... computers... travel... north dakota cold...

we caught two, missed five, cuz the net doens't cover the whole passageway under the little stone bridge ("gotta give the little buggers a chance" - head researcher dude) but tagged both of them, put a radio tracker on one, and let them go... if you want to know the reasons for details, ask, cuz it gets science-y and i need to catch a train BUT it was cool...

i got to hold a bat and let her go...

i'm just amazed at the wild and beautiful world that we live in and how little we know about it all, despite how much we think we know...

ain't she cute? (and yes this is just an image from the web, not the bat we caught last night)

amazing...

focus

this will not surprise anyone that knows me: i'm a complicated, complex person... i feel like i'm pulled a thousand different directions in my head, but i love it... i won't be put in a box, and some of you have seen my drawing of the characteristic kindergarteners... but there are times and days when i know i'll be happy whatever i do because of my multi-personalities :)

i feel part punk - part hippie - part jock - part academic - part rock star - part conservationist - part advocate - part missionary - part social worker - part farmer - part child

i could happily settle down and start a family - start over and work towards a teaching job - apply to the peace corps - run off to the highlands and have a llama farm - become an airline steward - get a job in california/minnesota/maine/arizona - get a job in nairobi/dubai/new south wales/madagascar/edinburgh - apply for my PhD - join a nudist colony

i want to visit alcatraz island - milk a cow and press my own wheel of cheese - go sky diving - go to antarctica - see hippos in the wild - go camping - learn how to make a delicious creme brulee - be fluent in spanish and maybe some other languages - start or at least fund a bible camp

i have learned that the rabies vaccination shot is bright pink - that i would like another tattoo - that it's not bad to eat chocolate for breakfast - that eyelashes do grow back - that johnny depp's "captain jack sparrow" is influenced by Pepe le Pew, the skunk - that there are too many lonely people in the world to stay lonely myself

i believe that God created this planet on the basis of love, and the problem is that we are polluting it, on so many levels - that Jesus died for humanity cuz he loves us - that money is just numbers in the bank - that "iris" by the goo goo dolls is the best lyrical composition ever written - that i could escape from paying government taxes if i tried hard enough - that love is worth taking ridiculous risks for - in the cause of heifer international - that i'm good enough to wait for the guy that is bright enough to figure that out

i question the evils of the world - the point of my faith and Christianity - the laws of physics - my necessity to sleep, although not my enjoyment of it - my continual moving about and leaving the people i love - why consumerism is so popular - why people enjoy pop music

but i figure that no matter where i go or what i say or if i drink or when i trip up or who i'm with, God is with me and i only have to be obedient... the rest He will take care of... and i'm crap at being obedient... so it's gonna be rough at times, but i'm glad He's bigger than me

wild blue yonder

my pastor this morning gave an analogy that i can't help but share...
the people of the church were getting on this huge jumbo-jet, just getting packed on the plane, excited, humming, the engines were revving and it was standing room only, and people just kept coming... but the plane wasn't taking off... it was ready, crew, pilots, complimentary drinks and meals... but not going anywhere... something is holding the plane back...
without listening to the holy spirit, without obedience, without love and patience and boldness, we leave the blocks in, individually and as a body of Christ as a whole... the devotional i'm going through at the moment ("God calling" -- really good) had a blurb a few days ago with the thought, just imagine how amazing things would be if people actually did the work of God... its so overwhelming, but if we all did the little things, it would make a difference.. i know i'm not obedient... i question what the difference between me and the other guy is... what does it matter that i'm christian and that person isn't? my personal reverie aside, its so relevant... especially to this church, cuz its growing so fast, its mind-numbing, they just moved buildings cuz they ran out of room.. they need to move again... but what difference does it make if all these people stay in that building, blocks in place, shiny and busy and revving engines, if they don't move when they are told "go"?

incense

i read patrick suskind's book "perfume" earlier this month; the film "perfume: story of a murderer" was based on it, and i guess it was well done, but i recommend the book... highly... it takes you deep into the narrative of a mind (for most of the book) that is completely geared by his olfactory senses and it motivates and controls his life... its absolutely crazy but really well written and a fast read, although i didn't really want it to be...
naturally made me wonder about the scents in my life, how certain smells make me think of certain places, certain people...

• a combination of fire, lakes, insect repellent and sun block: red willow bible camp
• old spice: my grandfathers
• chocolate chip cookies and bread: my mom
• oil and old spice: my dad
• cut grass, chaf in the wind, downy fabric softener: my farm and my childhood
• brownies and a gas grill: 1680 marshall
• the weird combination of smells at cafe mac: cafe mac
• pine trees: my cousins farm
• and a bunch of other things that i can't remember now or always identify...and some are just really random...i won't bore you with details...

and then there are the scents of people -- their actual scent, which sounds weird and kinda creepy but we all have a scent... usually you only notice it when you go into someone's house, or their bedroom, or borrow their shirt or blanket or something... it smells like them... this smelling sense, highly underrated and under-acknowledged...

you make me feel -- isn't that enough

it's over... for over two years i've either wanted it to continue or it to be finished, and it's finally that... it's a good feeling... like the feeling when i was walking on the east sands of st andrews saturday morning, walking barefoot in the north sea, rain on my face, tears on my cheeks... hearing a voice saying "it's okay to cry... even i cry... but i will wipe away your tears... i always will"
it hurts to cry... but the feeling when they dry is euphoric...

poof

just a curiosity: what are the chances that a black bag sitting outside of JK rowlings house with the label "shredded paper" would be the shredded remains of the editings of her latest book?

toasted spagnum

edinburgh is an amazing city, full of cool accents, beautiful OLD buildings and landmarks and such, and lotsa green space to escape to and forget you are in a city...
cat and i went hiking around arthur's seat to get out in the sun, enjoy our holiday, and look for and identify moss... yes moss... remember i am a nerd, have always been one, and quite proud of it, and our professor decided at the beginning of the term that cat and i were british moss experts, since neither of us grew up anywhere near britain (her in africa and myself in nodakland), so we need to keep up our reputation... obviously...
long story short, in two parts: cat lives about a 7 minute walk from the base of arthur's seat.. it took us 30 min to get there cuz we took a detour through the edinburgh projects... made me smile and reminded me of the kids that i worked with for the last two summers...
part 2) we were busy planning the business that all of us crazy MSc students were going to open, calling it "jobbie hunters" and came around a corner to find a ~55 year old man, sunbathing in public, completely in the buff, stretched out like Tyra in a centerfold... it's Scotland, in APRIL, yes its sunny but still only 60 degrees F or so... we were speechless... and that takes a lot... but that moment inspired the moss song over lunch... ask if you like, but be forewarned if you are ever hiking in the middle of a city on an old volcano: you never know what you will find

confessions of a nose picker

you know everyone does it now and again... admit it...
anyway, i have to say, for easter sunday, i did absolutely nothing to celebrate the resurrection of my savior... as bad as that sounds, i did cook a massive brunch for ~15 people, had an easter egg hunt, complete with prizes, and people stayed around til 4 am, and since i'm now on spring break, i'm enjoying people's company and being in this grand city of edinburgh, and enjoying life really...
i've realized how much i love holidays... they are just specks of time, days in the year where we change things just a bit to remember something special, because its special to us, and usually we share that with the people around us... take pictures, eat food, tell stories, laugh til it hurts, send flowers, give hugs... and then we go back to routine, knowing that life is a little bit better because there are things worth celebrating...
they're also little reminders to remember the blessings of monotony in life...
so although i didn't go to church, didn't go to the big easter worship concert, and i didn't read the easter story that night... i am so thankful for all the blessings in my life, and i couldn't have designed a better way to celebrate than my 14 hour food fest and sharing it with the random people in my life here on this island...
happy easter to all, and to all a good night!!!

the wonder years

i stayed up last night until 1:30 reading some of my writings from when i was a teenager, 10 years ago... sigh...
it made me re-realize how angry i was, how emotional and raw and questioning i was... and how stoic and silent and strong i appeared on the outside... i wrote things down cuz i didn't think anyone would care to listen... i needed a vent, something to help me clarify my thoughts, feelings, life... guess i haven't changed much :) but that's not the point...
looking back, i like that person... angry, depressed, young, ignorant, but real... i think that's why i still like teenagers... i like how they think, see the world, how they are so in tune with their emotions cuz they're so self-focused (generally)... but they're real... adults are too good at using rationale to smother their emotions... too busy to pay attention to the little things in life that matter... too stressed to even bother realizing all they should be stressed about... they switch off, do things that are logical, responsible, the status quo cuz its easy...
i would never go back to my teenage years, and i would never change them, but i will also never be one of those adults that is dead to life... i want to remain raw, sensitive, receptive, but i'm a different person today... i'm not angry, depressed, alone... i'm loved... and i can be vulnerable and still risk things in this world because i'm loved and i'm forgiven... i don't have to switch off: i have nothing to lose...
the world is so different to me now because i know that...

the fog in my eye

john 17
jesus prays for his disciples, his followers, his people...
verses 9 - 13, he prays for protection of his disciples, that they are not lost to the evil one, like the one who was "doomed to destruction"... ignoring the predestination tone of this bit, cuz i don't want to go there right now, this recording of an eavesdropped prayers (honestly, how else could John have written that whole thing down? and what was he thinking when he DID write it down? i think i would be crying... silently.. but that's a tangent...)
where was i...
oh yeah, this brings up the question in my head that i've debated and questioned and pondered with people for years, since back in the day at red willow bible camp: can believers ever lose their salvation? i have long believed that we can't -- once you accept the holy spirit and fully trust in Christ's resurrection and obey/rely/follow God as best you can, in the reassurance that you will fail and its okay, you can't lose that, or the promise of eternal life...
this intercession from Christ himself almost seems to prove me wrong... if he's praying for the protection of the people that physically followed him around in the dust and mud so they aren't lost, that implies they CAN be lost...
is it a choice we make? can we drop this gift and break it, once it's been handed to us?

nuclear fission

faith and obedience.
courage and joy.
powerful things.
amazing things CAN and WILL happen.

the kindergartners speak out...

things i wonder whilst walking the streets of edinburgh...
isn't "whilst" a great word?
why don't people use the word "girth" more often?
when you smoke a pipe, do you have to walk around in a tweed jacket with your hands folded behind your back?
why are there so many bloomin' pigeons in the world?
who figured out that chocolate is an amazing thing?
who invented the parachute?
time is just a construct, something we use to put numbers to the movement of the sun, so that people will be in the same place when the sun is in the same place, so how does that work since time zones extend across down the longitudes of the world?
who figured out that it was possible to capture light and reflections on paper and created photographs?
why am i in a country so far away from my relatives and what does it matter?
who will be the first person of my siblings to get married?
what is it like to actually go on a date?
what would i do if i ever met a hippo?
what do dogs think?
can people tell when i forget to use deoderant?
:D

mr. and mrs. hyde

you know when you're screaming in your head
so loudly you're going deaf
but no one else can hear
you're afraid to let them hear
they won't understand
they'll run away
they'll think less of you
so you keep it inside
hoping it'll die away
but it just kills you

someone once told me she was afraid to let "the real her" out, cuz people wouldn't know what to do with her... i think we all hide the scariest part of ourselves inside to some extent... in that, i would hope we would all be able to love one another and trust one another, despite and in light of those scary personas... maybe we won't know what to do with each other... that's when we lose control of our lives, and have the chance to let them go, fall into the hands of the Father...he's always reaching..

you know the depths of my heart yet you love me the same

jeremiah 18:13-15...
"Inquire among the nations:
Who has ever heard anything like this?
A most horrible thing has been done
by Virgin Israel.

Does the snow of Lebanon
ever vanish from its rocky slopes?
Do its cool waters from distant sources
ever cease to flow?

Yet my people have forgotten me;
they burn incense to worthless idols,
which made them stumble in their ways
and in the ancient paths."
i feel this is where my heart is...or something like that... i've ignored or overlooked the obvious signs of the Creator... the flowers blooming all over the city... the sunshine in the morning (or more often, the rain)... the acts of kindness, the extra effort to help or listen or laugh, a card in the mail, all because someone cares, someone loves... i look to random objects in my life for happiness or love and get distracted from the one who made me and loves me simply for that... i yearn for someone to see the beauty within me, to appreciate me for who am i, recognize that i am special, and yet i ignore the one whose love is unconditional and loves me despite the flaws, the dark spots, and the stains on my soul... so i stumble, and doubt, and question, and cry, and hide it all inside... i know better...
i was contemplating while brushing my teeth the other night... i can connect with lots of people emotionally, psychologically, physically, religiously (in the notion of sharing the same faith)... but spiritually, actually connecting with someone on a soulful level, i think that's incredibly rare... to be with someone who compliments your soul, makes you feel alive, makes you want to be a better person because they make you feel better about yourself than you feel you deserve, they reflect the love of God although they are tarnished themselves... that's something special... that is love... i don't know if we each only have one soulmate, its a scary thought cuz its a big big mad mad world, but i trust God knows what he's doing when he sets out those paths in front of us, forked and all, so that we have to choose one way or another, but keeping his will in our journey... to recognize the person(s) who build up our weaknesses, rely on our strengths, bring out our hidden beauty and don't mind our obvious flaws... i must know myself, my heart, my soul... to know my soul, i must know the maker of my soul as intimately as possible...
so although i have those moments when i just want a foot rub, hot chocolate, and a midnight acoustic serenade, i try to remember that i need to work on getting to know the source of eternal love before i can hope to rely on any human source...
or i will stumble on the rocky path, although the glimmer of snow-covered mountains rise above me... i am eternally thankful that my life is not shadowed in the wrath that Israel faced in the Old Testament, that Jeremiah was so burdened to witness... although i ignore, forget, and shun my God, he sent me My Savior...
forgiveness... eternal love...amazing grace

tlc

my friends are all beautiful... don't believe me?
go over to the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself you are beautiful... do it... cuz you are...
do it......
have a good day!

mortar and water

the samaritan woman at the well... that whole conversation recorded in john (chapter 4) is such a confusing chat with so many different layers of stuff flying about, i've got this great image of this woman in my head, trying to put myself in her place... but that would be a really long story, cuz i'm long-winded, but one thing that gets me, at the middle/end of that story... this chica figures out that the guy she's talking to is more than a sun-dazed nutter who wants a drink of water and is deliriously talking about the fountain of youth and such... he's a nutter that knows his religion, like many people, especially jewish people of the day... but she says one thing: i know that one day, the messiah will come... i KNOW he will come... she was a samaritan, a cross-breed of gentile and jew; a woman, a voiceless, faceless member of society; and she got around, couldn't keep a husband for the life of her... but she KNEW that the messiah was coming... be it that it may have been a culture where it was common-place to know the religious prophecies, she was not your stereo-typical religious person... but she still had the concept that there was hope for a better tomorrow, a faint glimmer that made waking up every morning almost worth it, and she KNEW the messiah was coming... i would've dropped my waterbucket when he said "i am he"...
if the lowest of the low, the outcast, the loose woman of samaria knew about Christ, who told her? if she hadn't been told, would she have recognized who sat in front of her at the well that day?
how will anyone recognize Christ if no one tells them who he is?

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?"

pondering peppermint patty

i sat and watched "bridget jones' diary" with a jar of nutella and a spoon sunday night... i have trouble admitting to that, but it was not out of depression or self-pity, i merely felt like not-thinking and enjoying chocolate...
that said, i was wondering while walking down the street, what if our lives were narrated aloud, much like they are in the movies? or if we had cartoon bubbles floating above our heads, displaying our thoughts? we'd all be much more honest, and in a lot more trouble, i think... i might be more cautious about guarding my thoughts, that's for sure...
another thought, someday i would like to write down theoretical and fictional stories of the lives of random characters in the bible... like the 12 disciples... mary... shadrach, meshach, and abednego... the talking donkey... what they saw, felt, thought, experienced, where they traveled, why they believed what they believed and what that actually meant to them, when they doubted, felt weak, questioned, and wondered the point of it all...
hot fuzz: good flick.
and the laziness thing... so far, not bad, could always do more but considering the academic work is going to explode on monday, definitely good timing to commit myself to staying on top of things...

you know when P. Patty always offered to hold the football for Charlie Brown, and then pulled it away and he always landed up flat on his back? its kinda like relying on people to keep things (aka life) together for you, but then it all falls apart when you need it the most, you end up flat on your back but its only then that you're facing the stars in the heavens and remember where you should've been trusting the whole time...

the extinction of the sloth

i've never given anything up for lent... it wasn't a tradition in the church where i was raised, and it's not something my family does, and although i've had plenty of friends "give something up" i've never really seen the point... contemplating over the actual reasons to give something up, i've been told a few rationalizations:

• giving something up, to take away something excessive or luxurious in our lives (like in the film "chocolat")
• to recognize the passover season
• to "suffer" for 40 days like Jesus did in the desert
• to remove something that is keeping us from God, something that is adding distance

and i've always liked when people add something to their lives to bring them closer to God, something that increases their understanding of Christ and His will for them in their lives... i've decided to give something up this season:

LAZINESS

i've gotten extremely lazy, all kinds of reasons aside... i'm done

"Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. - Eph 5 14-17

i will join my church in the 40 days of prayer and reading... i will take the initiative and spend time with people... i will do my studies as best as i can... i will exercise, i will learn to cook new things, i will email and send letters to people i haven't in a long time, i will know my limits but i will not simply NOT do something because i don't want to if something inside me tells me i can and i should and i will... i will spend more time with God and i will respond to Him...


i will remember that my Savior came to this earth, to exemplify God's will and thoughts and ideals for this world, so that we could all know how to live while we're here and so that we can all live when we're gone...

i think therefore...

we are not simply who we are...
a yellow flower in a field, a dandelion...
that same one in a prize-winning garden, a weed...
a lion in a zoo, a captive king-of-the jungle...
a lion in the wild, a threat to your children...
soda in a bottle, a fizzy drink...
soda out of the bottle, a mess all over the floor...
carbon in the sink of permafrost, frozen carbon...
carbon released into the atmosphere, catalyst for global warming...
3-meters of snow in the alps, good skiing...
3-meters of snow in Dallas, TX, national disaster and city holiday...
popcorn in a box, a snack to get you through a really intense film...
outta the box, something i have to clean up...
a guitar in the corner, a dust-collector...
a guitar in the hands of carlos santana, magic...

what is our potential? what are we doing with ourselves? we are who we are, but are we actually who we are supposed to be? are we valuable or threatening? suppressed or an uncontrollable mess? are we alive?
i believe that we are where we are supposed to be... even if we have had to make decisions, there is no right and wrong, if God is in front of everything and backing ya up all the way... its what we do when we get there... everything has a place, a time, a reason to DO something...
i may be a flower, but am i a weed or am i brightening someone's day?
wow that's one of the strangest analogies i've ever applied to myself, but you get the idea...
yep, those are my random thoughts for the day...