the hammer...

i guess i should explain the whole theme of this blog... my hammer...
five years of working at red willow, i portrayed a soldier during our Christ Hike, a dramatic re-enactment of Christ's life from baptism to resurrection... actually walking in the footsteps of those who crucified Christ (well, if they had been walking in North Dakota, but that detail aside) and trying to even slightly imagine the emotional and spiritual rollar coaster that they went through, especially the centurian who could see, after Christ died, that He truly was the Son of God... it gave me a different perspective on the realities of sin...
as a Christian, i may carry my cross, but i also carry this hammer... its with me always... i was the one who led Christ to that hill, held his trembling, already bleeding arms to the crossbars, and pounded those nails in, sealing His fate to suffering... and mine to redemption... when that cross was raised, it was on my order, but for my sake... Luke 23:34 "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"... He stared in my eyes when He said that... i don't know what i do, everytime i sin, turn my back on my Lord and Savior, i don't know how much it hurts Him when i don't stand up for my faith, or anything that He stood for... justice, love, truth, preserving the beauty in this world... i might feel a slight pang of guilt in my heart.. He felt the thorns, the spear, the nails.. and i drive them in deeper, every single day... but when He looked in my eyes, He thought of me... when He breathed His last breath, He thought of me, and with love in His heart that I cannot fathom, it was finished... He had been cast out of this world, one step closer to His home... the world hated Him, He loved the people of His Father's world...
the soldiers didn't know what they were doing... true, they killed the Son of God.. but they had to, and they had no idea that those nails may have pierced the flesh of a man, a rebel, a lunatic, a heretic, a teacher... but they also secured salvation for the world, on a cross, for all to see...
we don't know what we're doing, but we're still forgiven.. Isaiah 59 paints a horrific colorful picture of how sinful we all are... but closes with the hope of salvation, that God's almighty arm will reach out by HIS OWN WILL to save His people... "Forgive them, Father..."


Our God is an awesome God

house party

so first of all, why is it called house party? i have no idea: its a christian union retreat for a weekend. i was in a tent, it definitely was a tent party!!!
anyway, my eyes were opened to a few things that weekend.
this is not my home. i know, nothing new, but to punctuate it in my own head and life, this world has nothing for me... its a beautiful world, a great idea, but we were meant to live for something more... and yes i'm slurring song lyrics... i often think in music quotes... anyway...
i keep placing expectations in life for no good reason and i'm constantly being hit with little bits of disappointment... that's ridiculous... life's gifts are in the present. i need to take them in the present, give to them in the present, and make this day worth living.
new tangent: the day when i'm called home, my work on this earth will have been completed. what an amazing feeling that must be, the ultimate final deadline. if i was to live everyday like i would not have tomorrow to keep making a difference, i think my life would be radically different. i would stop and talk to the homeless man by waitrose, make him dinner, and find out who he is. i would not be concerned with the time i spend with people who are crying out because there would be no other calling for my time. i would not reminisce about the past with melancholy and wishes to go back to better days. the days in front of me are unidentified and wonderful. the opportunities i have are boundless. its just what i'm using those opportunities for. to truly treat every day like its my last... not because i'm living in fear that there will not be a tomorrow, but living so that tomorrow would not be necessary.
if i could think of a bible verse to tack on here, i would. but i got nothing. God knows.

clown car camping

so crazy adventure time: this past weekend i went up to the edges of the highlands, north of glasgow, with the christian union for the annual "house party" -- a retreat with the CUs from four universities in edinburgh... we were out at the outdoor adventure centre, and they were overbooked, so some of us volunteered to camp outside... in october.. not realizing that by the time november 17th rolled around, that would be the weekend where temps would first drop to freezing.. so seven of us had brought 3-4 tents... each holding a few people... the first night we all crammed into one 3-person tent... it was warm, cozy, a bit uncomfortable, but a lot of fun... not much room at all... we smashed in there around 12:30 or so, by 2 or so two of the guys went to one of the other tents cuz they couldn't sleep ... none of us really slept, we were either talking or the wind was threatening to take us to oz... around 6 am we were all awake, gale-force winds and sleety-sounding rain pelting on our little canvas tent.. of which the front end/door had collapsed in the night cuz we snapped one of the poles while trying to fit us all in the tent... so we were hiding under this tent igloo thing and then we all just gave up, went inside for hot chocolate and first dibs on the showers.. and proceeded through out the day, bitterly laughing about how cold people were in their beds and managing to get through a ceilidh that lasted until midnight.. then i talked to a french guy until 3 ... i miss camp!!!

God's fingerpaintings

my last summer working at Red Willow, one of the last nights with campers in fact, Steph, Rachel and I walked back from cross hill, amazed by the sunset... the sky dotted with clouds, oranges pinks purples reds yellows and everything in between reflected everywhere... Steph's comment: this is God's fingerpainting...
the sunset and sunrise are as close as we'll ever get to eternity on this planet...
they're always there
paintings, sketches, even photographs cannot capture them
they're the definition of beautiful
and we never tired of gazing upon them, our fascination is ceaseless, our amazement only grows with time, and the wonder is renewed with each and every one
with the start of each day and the beginning of each night, we get a little bit closer to heaven
if this is a glipse of eternity, i can't wait...

Home sweet home...

i watched a show called "100% English" last night while winding down from a sugar high... a guy was testing the dna of people who were incredibly proud to be english, asking them for definitions of what it meant to be english, and it summed up to be a really long family history (about 1000 years) of being white english folks... none of these people were 100% northern european according to their dna testing, much less 100% english...
accuracy of dna testing aside, what does it mean to belong somewhere, 100%? these people were born and raised english, important, contributing parts of their community, and wouldn't know good cuisine if it hit them in the face (you knew some sort of insult was coming up)... to me, they're english, to themselves, they're english... england is their home, and most of these people interviewed had a problem with "the others" that were "invading" england... upset that england didn't have the white, protestant face, that spring rolls were common in london, that the english have gone from a super power in the world to being a joke... blame politics, blame mr. bean, their home was changing, and they didn't like it...
so that leaves me guessing where my home is? am i american? by five generations, only 120 years or so as far as i know... norwegian? north dakotan? a wyomingite? minnesotan? is finley, aneta, red willow, st. paul, macalester, st andrews, edinburgh home? do i care? home is where the heart is, and i'm all over the place... red willow is the home of my heart and soul, macalester holds so many of the best memories of my life, st andrews houses some of my most peaceful and Spirit-filled times, i know the farm like the back of my eyelids and spent most of my waking life there... but not even the world is my home...i am a citizen of the heavenly realm, this earth is an adventure, a journey, i'm a hitchhiker, i will go wherever God's vehicles take me -- when i stick my thumb out, He's gonna provide, pull over, and say "get in"... i'm on a journey right now, a journey home...
i may not be 100% american, scottish, norwegian, husky, or anything of the sort.. i am 100% God's... and that is freakin' exciting!
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

following the giver

i have so much. i am so blessed. i wouldn't consider this a high time in my life, or an amazing stronghold in my faith, but being broken, face down in the dirt of this world i have been shown how great our God is. His faithfulness has brought me to the middle of november, surrounded by the love of his kingdom that i left in the usa, brought to me by the power of the internet, and i am now indulging in the glory of his global kingdom and demanding to find the love of his people here.
tufty joked that i was just another american. i can't imagine what it's like to be a student at an "international" university and have all these random american students show up for a semester, touch your life, and then leave (i'll tell you in a few months)... but i've done that. i'm not doing that again. i will not be put in that box -- i'm not going anywhere until God calls me. he called me here for some reason, another city with 24 hour sirens and light pollution and a red light district. you all know i'm a country girl at heart. but that's my comfort zone. God has taken my comfort zone and put it on delay so he can show me how real faith can be. And how real it is. so i'm relying on that knowledge and faith to show me why I'm here, and all i know at the moment is that i'm being called to give. and give and give and give and give. if i have something that you need, ask and i will give it to you, be it my shoes, my hat, my time, my money, my mobile number, anything. i will give it all away because i have a giver that will provide for everything and for all. if i hesitate to give, feel free to rugby tackle me and set my senses straight. I want to give to you, in any way i am called.
We are called to love one another, and believe me, I am scared to love you, put my heart on the line, be vulnerable for a friend, but i will do it for you. For our God. For how great is our God.
and if he isn't your God, i would echo his invite to turn around and stare Him in the face. He's waiting... if you're not ready, he'll still wait.. but he wants you now, he'll take you as you are. broken, dirty, smelly, rebellious, and empty.
How great is our God.

boarding the train...

so i've joined this ridiculously wonderful fad of blogging... to get the thoughts in my head out... to procrastinate... to keep all the wonderful people in my life updated with what the kindergarteners have been up to... and to publically declare the blessings in my life... some writings will be adventures, some will be crazy random stories, some will be rants, some will be circles of thought from this skull cavity of mine.. you've been warned :) and i love you!