hallmark moments

spending my day in fargo, i got to catch up with a few good friends of mine... i think there's an amazing element in friendships when you haven't seen each other in a year -- or two -- and conversations and laughter can still be had...
it makes me wonder what causes us to care... why do we care about each other, what we do, what will happen to us, what we are thinking/feeling/believing/contemplating... relationships are crazy things, some people just click, some take more time, others just don't work at all...
the thing i don't like is friendships where no one cares... its convenient, immediate, and enjoyable, but there's no long term investment -- if i died tomorrow, i'm sure i have some "friends" that wouldn't really care... this "friend" term can be tossed around very lightly these days, especially in a world of networking... another word, meant to carry a lot of emotion, commitment, and love, that is abused and over-used in shallow situations where short-term gain is the only commonality...
granted, some relationships are short-lived for different reasons... there are people i have met whom i really enjoyed spending time with, even if it was for 30 minutes and i will probably never see them again...
but i must say, i am really thankful for those people who i haven't seen recently or often, and we haven't really kept in touch, but time together is still such a blessing.
So thanks guys.

days go by

oh 2007... it seems to have rushed by without much warning of its disappearance... having spent so much time in a computer lab, typing, this year, i think i've only really made it to april in my own little world... but alas, the year is coming to a close and its had its moments...
best movies: difficult. "once" ... "into the wild" ... "the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford" (casey affleck gives one of the best performances of the year in my opinion. amazing.) ... "waitress" ... "across the universe" ... most of these aren't too well known, the blockbusters of this year were over-rated, i think... all the "threes", hp5, even the golden compass, although entertaining, not all that great of films... fun ones that weren't necessarily great but still fun: "300" "die hard 4.0" "transformers" "oceans 13" ... ok maybe 300 isn't your type of fun movie, but i enjoyed it...
memories: laying on a table in south africa, with a relatively warm wind, next to a campfire, listening to "chasing cars" by snowpatrol and enjoying the starlight with good friends and not a care in the world ... all the random, spontaneous songs composed by my crazy friends ... girls night out at potterrow :) ... Christmas travels have been pretty great so far, and looking forward to continuing them... setting the deposit on the round the world ticket... finishing my masters thesis... graduation night... hitting the uk with my sister...
struggles: oh so many... my relationship/guy issues resurfaced a bit, and my confusion with how to deal with it is overshadowed by my lack of interest and need to deal with it... laziness, i'm getting caught in the melancholy rhythm of life and getting lazy, even about things i love to do... prayer life = virtually non-existent... being stubborn and cynical with faith... loneliness, aren't we all?
lessons: i'm have geographical commitment issues, music can soothe the soul, family is family, and the more we appreciate time, the faster it goes...

little hicktown

a lot of movies seem to have consistent themes: the importance of relationships, the hilarity of physical injury, how life doesn't always work out as you would like but it still works out, how personal success isn't the most important thing in the world, and the concept of home... belonging... anything family related seems to be extremely common, probably because its one of those things to which the majority of people can relate...
being in wyoming, i've watched a lot of movies this past week (because there really isn't much else to do)... the last one (other than "wild hogs" hee hee) was "elizabethtown" -- a man returns to his father's home town for the funeral and realizes how well loved his father was there... there was a slight undertone of bitterness from the locals, how some woman stole him away from his high school sweetheart, how he left town for "california", but overall, elizabethtown still loved him... what it means to leave people behind...
i see myself becoming "one of those" -- this past week, a friend of my sister's said to me, at a home basketball game, "i knew you were too smart to stay in this town"... flattered, but i don't think "being smart" has much to do with it... there's all kinds of callings in this life, location is one of the details... i just don't belong in wright, wyoming... i am not the one who gets an education degree and comes back to teach at my old elementary school, or who marries her high school sweetheart, or becomes a full time waitress, or coal miner, or construction worker, or whatever... i don't know what i am, i just am, and i don't feel "at home" anywhere at the moment... edinburgh is my home now, where i stay, and i do love it... but i do appreciate coming from one of those places where i can return, have a conversation with my high school teachers, and they still remember who i am... where i can go into a store and tell someone i'm "dwight and lois's oldest" and they know what that means, and therefore who i am, and commence to tell me their life story :) i like that. community. it is rare.
saying that, if i ever have a family, i'd like my kids to be able to return to that, when they grow up and leave... even if they are bored out of their skulls as teenagers, i'd like them to know what community is like... somehow...
this week, i've also realized that our cat can play fetch (when she wants to, of course), memories are best when they are shared, and people are pretty barbaric when eating bbq ribs... in a good way, of course :)
Merry Christmas to all, and best wishes to everyone!

time travel

hmmm new years resolutions...
a new start, a new beginning, right after 5 weeks of eating a lot, or not necessarily a LOT, but a little, constantly... being lazy, enjoying the company of many loved ones, sitting around, catching up over coffee/cider/eggnog/hot chocolate/dinner/dessert and then watching holiday movies/the football game/old family videos/people open gift after gift after gift... the holidays are a break from our normal schedules, reality, life... and after new years, our last 24 hours of indulgence, all of it comes rushing back as we go back to our lives, seeing the extra calories, feeling the lack of exercise, receiving the credit card bills.. so new years resolutions are made, in those moments between weakness and being overwhelmed, when we are inspired and motivated to do something different with our lives, change small things and big things, to make our lives better...
i've never been a fan of new years resolutions... maybe because its not a big thing for anyone in my family, just like i've never really been big on giving things up for lent... but that changed last year and it was a good change (i gave up being lazy... it worked, for awhile)... maybe i'll have a new years resolution to not be lazy all year... that would do me some good... its one of the greater struggles in my life... to be lackadaisical, apathetic, too accepting -- to the point of being spineless about the events in life... its a fear i have, to settle for anything less than what i expect or wish... i like contentment, comfort, just not settling... not that i feel i have settled for anything, the instability in my life should give enough evidence for that... i just don't want to slip into the real world everyone keeps telling me about and asking me about and if i have a future planned out...
but i still have time to figure out a new years resolution, i guess...

i've decided that i use this too often to complain about things, so i'm going to force myself to count the blessings in my life, taking advice from Og Mandino's "God Memorandum" -- regardless of my very strong natural tendencies right now... cuz i don't really have anything to complain about. really.
my family loves me... as much as we don't see eye to eye and we don't understand each other and don't listen to each other (sorry: complaining), we accept that and just get along, even when we really don't... they are crazy, fun, energetic, strange, and motivated people who only want the best for their loved ones, and willing to sacrifice much of themselves for that... proof is in the past...
i am sitting in an amazing spot in life right now... i am able to travel, see things and people and places, experience culture, food, music, and adventure beyond my farmhood imagination and there's more to come...
God loves me... as much as i've denied Him in the last - oh, lifetime, deep down i know this and maybe i'll get back to a place where i can feel this and see this without effort...
i am home for christmas... every serenader's dream... and its a white one, with more snow coming tonight!

working class barbie

my brother is writing an essay for school titled "what is happiness?" -- rather, he's supposed to be writing it but is watching ESPN... regardless, he has a collection of short essays in which to compare, contrast, etc. etc... one of them was an interesting take on the "modern woman" trend to stay single longer and delay, if not completely forgo, getting married and having a family... my brother (age 17) said its a selfish lifestyle and at 30 or 40, those women will look back and wonder what they missed out on... i gave him the eye, reminding him that i am 24 and as single as they come.. yes that's a ways from 30, but that's not the point right now... one of the closing statements by the author mused that in the pursuit of "finding themselves", women may use the excuse of being in fear to lose themselves in order to keep them from giving any part of them away...
i don't know if i would agree with that -- but i do have commitment issues, i will admit that fairly readily... i just haven't found the right person...
sitting around the table with my dad's co-workers last night, i highly doubt i'll find that person in rural wyoming... true, all these people were 20+ years my senior, but not the point... our interests, our viewpoints, our priorities, all in different places, different levels... they are all great conversation and wonderful people... we're just different, and many of the people here in town (all 1,800 of them) have similar trains of thought... so my dad's subtle messages of wanting me to settle down in wyoming and get a career, house, car, husband, etc. may have to continue a little longer and remain unfulfilled...
and selfish as this may be, i will wait for the one that appreciates, understands, challenges, and respects my thoughts, passions, motivations, beliefs... i won't become apathetic to myself in fear of "missing out" on family life in my 20s... whatever we do in life, there's always something we're missing...
Kyle's thesis statement: acceptance is the key to happiness, acceptance of the things we can't change, and acceptance of the consequences of those we can change... whatever my choices, whatever my life, i will be happy with it, single or not, 24 or 34, still searching for myself or learning how to share...

colors of an ice-covered edible rainbow

my first snow in about a year... since new years 2006, really... the 2 weeks i spent in the USA last year weren't very "white" as far as ground cover goes, very brown... but back to now, got to experience the NYC rain/sleet/snow... fun... i still ventured out, saw grand central terminal, carnegie hall, central park... and this was the day i walked past stuff, took a photo, and kept going... cuz the weather sucked, plainly said... but checked out the hershey's store (not impressive) and M&M world... very impressive... all the colors and chocolate everywhere... if i could fall in love with a capitalistic business, this would be it :) but came home to watch 'memoirs of a geisha' -- and then deni and vasi came home and we ordered sushi and had conversations in english and bulgarian (cuz deni's mom is also over to visit and she doesn't speak much english)... some sentences can be understood regardless of what words are used though ;-) a very relaxing night, good to catch up with deni and vassi... i couldn't live this life though... vassi works 8-4, deni works 9 - 9? 10? 12? 2am? whenever that day's project and reports are finished... she's in investment banking, she wears a suit and reports to VPs and MDs and etc etc etc but loves the people she works with and for, which is good... its the kind of job you need, i think, to be able to live in new york, to afford it, survive it... its a busy city, a tall city, a noisy city... i just don't think i could live here, ever, and actually enjoy it, and i don't think that about many places at all, just here and paris so far, i guess... i would even live in london over new york... its the type of city where adults are made, and i don't think i'm ready for that :D

wishing for the yellow submarine

i spent the day living vicariously through my own imagination, fueled by my scant knowledge of history and my surroundings... walking down the esplanade (i think) from the financial district to the staten island ferry, seeing the statue of liberty silhouetted in the sunset, and whilst on the ferry itself, cruising along in the waters... thinking, although this isn't the exact skyline that so many people, my own great-great grandparents included, yearned for, that copper woman on her lil' island was the sight they had all heard about... how glad they must have been, just for the sight of land after how many days, weeks, across a massive ocean... and i complain about jet lag after an 8 hour flight... how nervous, scared, and tentative about the unknowns that awaited on that shore... the anxiety with the legal process of immigrating... so many emotions on those ferries...
new york is one of those places where i can imagine some parts of history, like wall street and all that jazz... its what i do in the UK alot, also... except in the US, we're not as keen on keeping our old buildings, we'd rather have a plaque in the sidewalk outside of the skyscraper that now covers the area where something used to be... i guess there's a lot of mystery behind our fascination with history anyway... why do we dedicate massive buildings to put old stuff in? and we pay to walk around and look at this stuff, glimpses of the past, whether its a portrait, castle, or belt buckle...
its also the home of ground zero... its a massive construction site, which on a selfishly morbid thought, was somewhat disheartening for me... i like my photography, big fences, cranes, and orange vests aren't that photogenic... but that aside, its 6 years later... its time to rebuild... visiting the WTC memorial building brought me to tears today... the photos of the new york city skyline pre-9/11.. those towers were massive. walking along with the amoeba of corporate america and looking out windows to see construction, not a set of massive, glass-enclosed buildings looking back at me... i never saw the world trade center, but again, living vicariously, i can't imagine what it must be like, to see a gaping hole where a business center stood... my friends live 10 minutes walking distance, in a straight line, from where the twin towers stood... close enough to have felt the ground shake, smelled the fuel burning, hear the people scream... i can't imagine what it would've been like... so many buildings, so many people, so close together... and the heart of it all was slashed away...
so yes, today i cried... not because it affected me personally, nah, 9/11 has yet to mean something personally to me... so many others were hurt though, personally... they lost, they were left, they sacrificed...
right now, ground zero is not much to see... but its something i think every american should see... tragedies happen every day, everywhere, this is true... thousands of people are needlessly killed everyday... but taking it all on is highly overwhelming... oh i'm drifting... you get my point...

crunching the big apple

they wanted to charge me $7.50 for a chicken caesar wrap. welcome back to the USA! i said no...
so i'm back in the states, after the over night train from edinburgh to london, the train to heathrow, 6 hours in that airport, 8 on the plane, and 2 hours of various forms of public transportation in new york city, i sit in an apartment with my roommate from my first year at macalester, and my body thinks it's 4 am... and someone is vacuuming upstairs...
watched some great films on the way over... "waitress" which stars keri russell and andy griffith, a "sundance" film, really really good... all about relationships and realities and people and how we change... how life changes... "the darjeeling limited", again about relationships but family ones, a wes anderson film, and that about sums it up... and "the counterfeiters", a german film based on the true story of the jewish counterfeiters, printers, and artists who were forced to make british pounds and american dollars for the nazis during WWII... virgin atlantic is the way to fly, about 30+ films to choose from, great service, AMAZING desserts, and there was hardly anyone on our airbus flight so we all basically had rows to ourselves... not saying much for the environment, but i bought back the carbon miles already... need to hit the city tomorrow though, or later today... or whatever day it is... lady liberty here i come!

the spinning needle

two strands of thought:
first, the golden compass was an enjoyable movie: lots of action, great acting (for the most part), special effects were incredible... but complaints: i wish they had made the movie a bit longer and aimed for a slightly older audience, allowing for character development and a clearer story line; i didn't like how the reading of the alethiometer was interpreted, it bothered me how they changed the order of the storyline but understand why, and they changed a name... and the ending... but overall, enjoyable
second, i give full support to people who protest seeing the film for its anti-religion (anti-Judeo-Christianity, more or less) take, which i have to admit is clearer in the film than in the book... but please know what you're arguing against... like any good argument...

the eye in the storm.. and the storm

my friend jeannie also came to visit... it was a lot shorter of a visit and a lot more relaxed, meaning we didn't hit every 2-4-1 cocktail deal we found :) but it was still really good, she spent some time in inverness with her cousin also, so didn't see as much of her as i'd liked, but gave me a day to catch up on sleep :) we climbed arthurs seat, went to the national museum in edinburgh, saw lots more people in st andrews and saw the sights WITHOUT the crutches! went to a film at the dominion, had fish and chips, saw jk rowlings house, went around the Christmas carnival and german market in the city centre.. had some really good chats which was much appreciated.. good to just open up... wish it had been a longer stay but it's soon my turn to travel...

i'm flying out to nyc in 4 days or something crazy to start my own holiday, visiting my roommate from 1st year at Macalester to start the holiday, as well as catching more people from Mac and St. Andrews... then out to wyoming.. then north dakota... then minneapolis/st. paul.. then chicago... then back to edinburgh... why? cuz i'm home here, for now... its not permanent... those details later... but i can't find myself living in wyoming, trying to establish a temporary life and then leaving all over again... aside from my family, not much sits for me in wright, wyoming... the friends i had, left... like we all did... its all okay, i love where i'm living, who i'm living with, and where i'm working, even when i complain about it... so i'll be in the UK until the first part of may... after that?...

taking the UK by storm

right. photos are going up on facebook, thoughts going down in blogger land. i am back from my holiday from my little bubble and going to tell you all about the adventures -- hopefully briefly. but this won't last long, cuz i'm flipping the coin and will be traveling soon... but that's later...
my lil' sis erica was over to visit for 10 days... we saw the sights of edinburgh, both the touristy stuff : castle, calton hill, arthurs seat, the new parliament, the royal mile, jenners, had haggis, neeps, and tatties, fish and chips, and so on, and also the non-touristy stuff: the dominion cinema, jk rowling's house, my flat, the waiting room (the local pub), the cowgate on a saturday night... day trip to st andrews: rugby game was cancelled, sad... met some of my friends, saw the old course, new course, castle, cathedral, pier, walked along the pier in one of the windier days i'd been up there and we were both yelling, terrified :), north sea, jannetta's ice cream, my stomping grounds in st andys... glasgow: shopping streets which included primark and every pound shop in town, tallest cinema in the world, coolest pub in the world (i think), river clyde, a glasgow gig, a mini-pub crawl for cocktails, a funky club, the lighthouse, staying with a friend of mine... london: all the sights, buckingham palace, westminster, houses of parliament, big ben, the london eye, regent park, kensington park and peter pan, leicester square, the british museum, a hostel, and the lion king on the west end (highly, highly recommend it to EVERYONE!!!)... all of which involved speaking german to random men, getting drinks from random men, dancing with random men, pictures in kilts with random men... you get the idea...
i told everyone my sister is a blond version of myself who talks more and is a lot crazier... only now do they believe me :)
we had great fun... but now you know why i was tired...