gullivers travels

tonight i am redefining indulgence.
after 24+ hours of traveling, i am sitting on the floor of a holiday inn in washington d.c., stuck here for the moment but i think i found myself a flight home for christmas (so why do they hire silly people to work at airports? i don't know), eating a 1/2 pound hot pocket (did you know they make them that big?), club crackers, and OREOS!!! in my underwear. i am so happy.
welcome to america.
if you haven't heard this travel story yet, and i've called quite a few people and ranted about it... well, i left edinburgh tuesday night via the megabus to london... a night bus, about 9 hour trip.. about 5 am we get out at a gas station for a 15 minute break and the driver says "15 min and you better be back or i'm leaving ya" like most bus drivers harmlessly threaten.. this guy left at least 3 people in islington or some obscure english city at a gas station cuz they didn't get back on the bus in exactly 15 minutes... slightly scary... get to london, take the underground to the airport, the tube is behind schedule and backed up and all the trains on the piccadilly line think they DON'T need to go to heathrow that day, so there are people on top of luggage on top of people trying to get to this airport... and i'm late for my flight, regardless... should've had about 2 hours of extra time and i got there after my gate closed... boo... so got re-routed on a SWEET boeing 797 or something big and had our own personal tvs on the seats, but this bombshell was packed and headed for d.c., not on my original itinerary (i can't spell that) and i got to watch 3 random films (lady in the water, the night listener, and the illusionist... only really liked the last one) and then spend an hour in customs, only to actually hear that ALL flights to denver are cancelled (after calling my mother at 3 in the morning while still in london when she told me that anyway, but that was a random detail that i'm sure SHE didn't appreciate but oh well) and then spent 2 hours in a line at customer service only for them to tell me to get a room and come back tomorrow... SO that's what i'm doing!!! but i think i'll be ok, there are a couple flights to msp via canada or virgina (yeah... i know) so hopefully i can catch a train from there and find the relatives and have a merry christmas!!!
i hate the stress of the holidays.
but this microwaved cheese goodness... so nice right now.

not alone but lonely

why do we live in a world where we know so many people and yet we know so few? little plastic devices make it so easy to keep in touch with the plastic people of our lives... how are you? i'm fine, how's it going? good, alright... what's up? nothing, you? yeah, nothing... texting, instant messenger, email, cell phones, mobiles... all plastic...
when did we stop being real? in an overcrowded world, i know too many people that are lonely... i'm a victim of this feeling... and i really shouldn't... i have amazing friends who know the inside and out of me, probably better than i do, and they definitely care more about my well-being than i do... my family loves me, and misses me... i've been removed from so many of them... my comfort zone includes the people i can turn to and complain to and go on crazy adventures with and that's missing from my life right now... i crave that instantaneous response that comes with the plastic life...
so what do i do? sit in my bed or cry?
or go out and care about the other lonely people, ask them how they REALLY are and take the time for an answer?
does it matter if anyone ever asks me the same question back?
i think of Jesus in the garden of Gethsamane... He was alone, he asked his best friends to keep him company, just by being there, awake... they failed... i think of Jesus in the desert, tempted by the devil... no one was there to back him up... I think of Jesus on the cross... His own Father turned His head away... he was alone like no one will ever be alone... in order that no one will ever be alone...
that should make it easier... He understands... but i yearn for the day when i actually understand that...

what if God was one of us... just a stranger on the bus... trying to make His way home...
nobody calling on the phone... 'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome...

all the simple things

have i forgotten what i love?
i love food... having fun... playing games... going on adventures... really good hot chocolate... not caring about money... talking with people... listening to people... caring about people... animals... esp my puppy (i'm coming home!!!)... my family... my friends... esp the friends that have seen me through thick and thin, the ugly and the "lovely", the arrogant and the insecure, the yelling and the crying and the laughing and the insomnia, moments with God and moments with the devil... or at least the devil's minions... music, both listening to and making... hugs... movies... the company of funny people, honest people, real people... trees, stars, water, fire... camp... i love camp... nature... YOU... me, most of the time... a rich, deep, bass voice, a capella... working out... the human body and all its little miracles... saturday morning cartoons from the 80s... color crayons... black currant flavoured stuff... chocolate... my mom's cooking... sleeping in and enjoying the comfiness of a pillow after you've slept there all night...
above all, my Spirit, my Savior, my God... the giver of this life... the life that i love, and that i forget i love...

limelight for liars

celebrities. mostly actors and actresses...
we admire them because they can be someone else... and usually look good doing it... but no one pays any attention to the people who are really good at being themselves... where are the awards for those who show their true colors, who stand up for their beliefs, who go thru thick and thin to realize their dreams and desires? who throws out the red carpet for the skilled workman, the happy parent, the chefs that make me sooooooo happy, that one person behind the counter that treated you like a person when you were making that everyday purchase...
we are only starstruck when actors are acting... when they're just being themselves, they are just themselves, and there's no spotlight for that...
not on this earth, at least...
are we that afraid to celebrate who we truly are? do we all want to escape from our true selves?

come together

i love community.
it's gotta be one of the most amazing, powerful, ridiculously fun things ever created.
and i have been blessed enough to experience it in its most magical way... my five years at red willow bible camp - to come together, with perfect strangers, be able to trust, share, hurt, laugh, sing, eat, sleep, play, work, struggle, fall, pray, worship, etc. with people because you have One focus, One goal, One faith -- lots of ideas, but one faith... andrew melville hall, my semester in scotland... being thrown into a situation with hundreds of others, no one knows anyone, but soon, after a while, when fighting the north sea wind and rain to get back to this dorm in the outskirts of town, you could see its glowing corridors and you knew that someone was in that building, waiting for you, who loved you... Mac, all my wonderful friends from Macalester, both mostly my chicas from 1680 marshall... late nights, lotsa chocolate, craziness, honesty... but all surrounded in love... every single community was soaked in love, and these were drowning in the Father's love...
when one needed, the others gave... nothing was too big, nothing was too small, no one was worthy and yet they all were...
evidence that God's kingdom will come... it has already begun...

All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need... Acts 2:44-45

bigger than the world I see...

there are so many wonderful things in life, and so often, i'm overshadowed by the less-than-wonderful...
i have a loving family, even if i don't understand them and they don't understand me...
i have amazing friends -- they're all crazy, and they accept and love my craziness (maybe that's a completely wrong assumption, but i like to think that's the way it is)...
the opportunities in my life have been mind-blowing: i'm sitting in a computer lab, well-fed, warm, under a roof, procrastinating from pursuring my master's degree in wildlife biology and conservation in edinburgh, scotland... ten years ago if you told that to a 13-yr old, lonely, self-conscious, shy, introverted farm girl, she would've laughed in your face, and then gotten really embarressed and ran away...
and most of all, I have a Savior that kept reaching out for me, all the times that I ran away... and He was there when I finally fell, crying, broken, and reaching out to Him also... and now when I'm back on my face, He's still there...
life sucks sometimes... more so at other times... but we have a BIG God, bigger than life, bigger than this storm, and bigger than anything that will come for all time...
as the writers in "God Calling" said : We have a big God, have a big faith, and expect big things.
i don't like the whole "rejoice in your suffering" thing and i know i don't rejoice most of the time - paul seems super-human when he repeats that over and over again, maybe it just helped him get through the floggings and such... but i know i'm not alone... even when i feel alone... but i have to have the faith that big things will happen for God's glory, and we are the instruments, even when we feel completely isolated and lost and worthless... just keep on going...
not that it's going to make life easy, but it's still living...

"The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." -- Jesus, in John 12:25-26

post-script...

i think i write too much to properly blog... oh well! enjoy the novels...

and just as a follow up, what about joseph? talk about a shake up on the other side of the engagement?!?! some angel waltzed into his life, too, and said, "dude, don't be scared, marry your mary BUT just so you know, she's gonna have the child of God, the Savior of the world, and you get to be his father-figure, although you're not his daddy. have a good day!" poor guy...
how surreal would that be... first off, to get your head around that your fiancee is going to have a kid... my friends corey and aimee just had their first baby and i guess it took a while during the pregnancy for corey to "get it" just cuz it wasn't instantaneous... when aimee started showing and lil' audrey started kicking, it started to hit him... now i'm sure they're both fully aware they are parents, and their lil' one is beautiful, but i can't imagine how long it took for joseph to realize that mary's having a kid... scandal... but not just any kid, this kid is gonna save the world, and the world will hate him...
joseph wanted out, its recorded in matthew... but an angel (again, fiery swords and big wings - scary!) told him to chill... it's all in God's will, regardless of what society thinks, and will always think, just do it... stay by mary's side, she's gonna need you, and you'll probably need her... so he stayed...
have i been running away, or am i staying?
madness really... Jesus loved to cause a stir...

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him... - Matthew 1:24

the most disturbing thing about christmas...

this is a summary of the amazing sermon that Karl Martin, pastor at Morningside Baptist, where i've been attending for the last few months, gave this morning... he's got such a gift, and this is such an amazing message, i have to recap for ya'lls...

Christmas is one of the most disturbing holidays of the year... aside from fruitcake, ridiculous relatives, and presents that break in two minutes/don't fit/are completely useless/look exactly like what you gave that person last year... from the beginning, it was meant to disturb people, and the first to be rocked : Mary.

So picture being a teenage chica, in the ghetto of Nazareth, doing your thing, when a FREAKIN' ANGEL OF THE LORD steps into your kitchen, says "greetings, oh blessed one" -- dude, i would've cried or fainted or thrown a frying pan at the glowing warrior with wings and swords of fire... and that's just the first impression... THEN he goes on to say, "God is with you, and you will be the bearer of the Savior of the world. He will fulfill prophecies and is the chosen one, the Messiah, the one all ya'lls have been waiting for" (of course, this is my own words and interpretation, but i spose the angels could've said ya'lls...)at this point, i would've checked the quality of my water or tried to remember what i ate the night before... i'm impressed with Mary's reaction, cuz all she asks is, "how could that be, i'm a virgin?" forget the giving birth to the SAVIOR OF HUMANITY, she's concerned with just having a kid, which fair enough, when you're 14 and betrothed to the hottest carpenter in town (which i would imagine she was), the details of having a kid probably takes priority... but all in all, in the end, she just says, "if its God will, so be it" -- basically, BRING IT ON!!!!

she's about to give birth to Jesus Christ... she has now been marked in her society as a slut (having a kid before marriage and now Joseph is stuck with her, tsk tsk) or crazy (cuz the HOLY SPIRIT got her pregnant? right, and i'm Elvis Presley), she has to raise a kid before that came up in the family planning conversation, she has to deal with 9 months of cravings and morning sickness, and THEN there's that whole dealing with motherhood thing, which granted i know nothing about, but it can't be easy... and she doesn't have any idea she's going to have to run away from people who want to kill her child, accept the times when Jesus goes on huge walking missions with his disciples and doesn't call home for weeks on end, all the while doing miracles, and then watch her first-born be tortured and crucified and have to deal with that! God just threw a whole big wrench in her clock of life, and she says bring it on... wow... and she's just the first... Christ is about to rock everyone's world.. he messes with the religious legalities of everyone, challenges the rich, the righteous, the rebellious, and reaches out to the lepers, the poor, the children, the prostitutes...

Christmas is just the beginning of that disturbance... and I have to say, in the last year, God has disturbed my life, definitely... makes me wonder how i've reacted? i don't think it's exactly been "bring it on" with joy and acceptance...but God isn't a luxury god... He's my God, my Creator, my Savior, and just as he's accepted me, how will i accept Him? Will i take the divine disturbances in my life and do God's will and quit trying to fight Him? Will i carry my cross in pride and stand up for Him like Mary did?

Christians are all pregnant with the Savior of the world (funny analogy, and all Karl's, but bear with me) and we are going to stand out... you always notice when someone is pregnant... the question is, are we glowing with the love and pride that we should be?

How has Christ shaken your world, whether you're a believer or not? are you running away from this child? Mary couldn't run. She glowed.
This year, this party's for her. Three cheers to the biggest disturbing event the world has ever seen, and three more for the teenager that accepted it with grace and God's will in mind.

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." - Luke 1:38

the hammer...

i guess i should explain the whole theme of this blog... my hammer...
five years of working at red willow, i portrayed a soldier during our Christ Hike, a dramatic re-enactment of Christ's life from baptism to resurrection... actually walking in the footsteps of those who crucified Christ (well, if they had been walking in North Dakota, but that detail aside) and trying to even slightly imagine the emotional and spiritual rollar coaster that they went through, especially the centurian who could see, after Christ died, that He truly was the Son of God... it gave me a different perspective on the realities of sin...
as a Christian, i may carry my cross, but i also carry this hammer... its with me always... i was the one who led Christ to that hill, held his trembling, already bleeding arms to the crossbars, and pounded those nails in, sealing His fate to suffering... and mine to redemption... when that cross was raised, it was on my order, but for my sake... Luke 23:34 "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"... He stared in my eyes when He said that... i don't know what i do, everytime i sin, turn my back on my Lord and Savior, i don't know how much it hurts Him when i don't stand up for my faith, or anything that He stood for... justice, love, truth, preserving the beauty in this world... i might feel a slight pang of guilt in my heart.. He felt the thorns, the spear, the nails.. and i drive them in deeper, every single day... but when He looked in my eyes, He thought of me... when He breathed His last breath, He thought of me, and with love in His heart that I cannot fathom, it was finished... He had been cast out of this world, one step closer to His home... the world hated Him, He loved the people of His Father's world...
the soldiers didn't know what they were doing... true, they killed the Son of God.. but they had to, and they had no idea that those nails may have pierced the flesh of a man, a rebel, a lunatic, a heretic, a teacher... but they also secured salvation for the world, on a cross, for all to see...
we don't know what we're doing, but we're still forgiven.. Isaiah 59 paints a horrific colorful picture of how sinful we all are... but closes with the hope of salvation, that God's almighty arm will reach out by HIS OWN WILL to save His people... "Forgive them, Father..."


Our God is an awesome God

house party

so first of all, why is it called house party? i have no idea: its a christian union retreat for a weekend. i was in a tent, it definitely was a tent party!!!
anyway, my eyes were opened to a few things that weekend.
this is not my home. i know, nothing new, but to punctuate it in my own head and life, this world has nothing for me... its a beautiful world, a great idea, but we were meant to live for something more... and yes i'm slurring song lyrics... i often think in music quotes... anyway...
i keep placing expectations in life for no good reason and i'm constantly being hit with little bits of disappointment... that's ridiculous... life's gifts are in the present. i need to take them in the present, give to them in the present, and make this day worth living.
new tangent: the day when i'm called home, my work on this earth will have been completed. what an amazing feeling that must be, the ultimate final deadline. if i was to live everyday like i would not have tomorrow to keep making a difference, i think my life would be radically different. i would stop and talk to the homeless man by waitrose, make him dinner, and find out who he is. i would not be concerned with the time i spend with people who are crying out because there would be no other calling for my time. i would not reminisce about the past with melancholy and wishes to go back to better days. the days in front of me are unidentified and wonderful. the opportunities i have are boundless. its just what i'm using those opportunities for. to truly treat every day like its my last... not because i'm living in fear that there will not be a tomorrow, but living so that tomorrow would not be necessary.
if i could think of a bible verse to tack on here, i would. but i got nothing. God knows.

clown car camping

so crazy adventure time: this past weekend i went up to the edges of the highlands, north of glasgow, with the christian union for the annual "house party" -- a retreat with the CUs from four universities in edinburgh... we were out at the outdoor adventure centre, and they were overbooked, so some of us volunteered to camp outside... in october.. not realizing that by the time november 17th rolled around, that would be the weekend where temps would first drop to freezing.. so seven of us had brought 3-4 tents... each holding a few people... the first night we all crammed into one 3-person tent... it was warm, cozy, a bit uncomfortable, but a lot of fun... not much room at all... we smashed in there around 12:30 or so, by 2 or so two of the guys went to one of the other tents cuz they couldn't sleep ... none of us really slept, we were either talking or the wind was threatening to take us to oz... around 6 am we were all awake, gale-force winds and sleety-sounding rain pelting on our little canvas tent.. of which the front end/door had collapsed in the night cuz we snapped one of the poles while trying to fit us all in the tent... so we were hiding under this tent igloo thing and then we all just gave up, went inside for hot chocolate and first dibs on the showers.. and proceeded through out the day, bitterly laughing about how cold people were in their beds and managing to get through a ceilidh that lasted until midnight.. then i talked to a french guy until 3 ... i miss camp!!!

God's fingerpaintings

my last summer working at Red Willow, one of the last nights with campers in fact, Steph, Rachel and I walked back from cross hill, amazed by the sunset... the sky dotted with clouds, oranges pinks purples reds yellows and everything in between reflected everywhere... Steph's comment: this is God's fingerpainting...
the sunset and sunrise are as close as we'll ever get to eternity on this planet...
they're always there
paintings, sketches, even photographs cannot capture them
they're the definition of beautiful
and we never tired of gazing upon them, our fascination is ceaseless, our amazement only grows with time, and the wonder is renewed with each and every one
with the start of each day and the beginning of each night, we get a little bit closer to heaven
if this is a glipse of eternity, i can't wait...

Home sweet home...

i watched a show called "100% English" last night while winding down from a sugar high... a guy was testing the dna of people who were incredibly proud to be english, asking them for definitions of what it meant to be english, and it summed up to be a really long family history (about 1000 years) of being white english folks... none of these people were 100% northern european according to their dna testing, much less 100% english...
accuracy of dna testing aside, what does it mean to belong somewhere, 100%? these people were born and raised english, important, contributing parts of their community, and wouldn't know good cuisine if it hit them in the face (you knew some sort of insult was coming up)... to me, they're english, to themselves, they're english... england is their home, and most of these people interviewed had a problem with "the others" that were "invading" england... upset that england didn't have the white, protestant face, that spring rolls were common in london, that the english have gone from a super power in the world to being a joke... blame politics, blame mr. bean, their home was changing, and they didn't like it...
so that leaves me guessing where my home is? am i american? by five generations, only 120 years or so as far as i know... norwegian? north dakotan? a wyomingite? minnesotan? is finley, aneta, red willow, st. paul, macalester, st andrews, edinburgh home? do i care? home is where the heart is, and i'm all over the place... red willow is the home of my heart and soul, macalester holds so many of the best memories of my life, st andrews houses some of my most peaceful and Spirit-filled times, i know the farm like the back of my eyelids and spent most of my waking life there... but not even the world is my home...i am a citizen of the heavenly realm, this earth is an adventure, a journey, i'm a hitchhiker, i will go wherever God's vehicles take me -- when i stick my thumb out, He's gonna provide, pull over, and say "get in"... i'm on a journey right now, a journey home...
i may not be 100% american, scottish, norwegian, husky, or anything of the sort.. i am 100% God's... and that is freakin' exciting!
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

following the giver

i have so much. i am so blessed. i wouldn't consider this a high time in my life, or an amazing stronghold in my faith, but being broken, face down in the dirt of this world i have been shown how great our God is. His faithfulness has brought me to the middle of november, surrounded by the love of his kingdom that i left in the usa, brought to me by the power of the internet, and i am now indulging in the glory of his global kingdom and demanding to find the love of his people here.
tufty joked that i was just another american. i can't imagine what it's like to be a student at an "international" university and have all these random american students show up for a semester, touch your life, and then leave (i'll tell you in a few months)... but i've done that. i'm not doing that again. i will not be put in that box -- i'm not going anywhere until God calls me. he called me here for some reason, another city with 24 hour sirens and light pollution and a red light district. you all know i'm a country girl at heart. but that's my comfort zone. God has taken my comfort zone and put it on delay so he can show me how real faith can be. And how real it is. so i'm relying on that knowledge and faith to show me why I'm here, and all i know at the moment is that i'm being called to give. and give and give and give and give. if i have something that you need, ask and i will give it to you, be it my shoes, my hat, my time, my money, my mobile number, anything. i will give it all away because i have a giver that will provide for everything and for all. if i hesitate to give, feel free to rugby tackle me and set my senses straight. I want to give to you, in any way i am called.
We are called to love one another, and believe me, I am scared to love you, put my heart on the line, be vulnerable for a friend, but i will do it for you. For our God. For how great is our God.
and if he isn't your God, i would echo his invite to turn around and stare Him in the face. He's waiting... if you're not ready, he'll still wait.. but he wants you now, he'll take you as you are. broken, dirty, smelly, rebellious, and empty.
How great is our God.

boarding the train...

so i've joined this ridiculously wonderful fad of blogging... to get the thoughts in my head out... to procrastinate... to keep all the wonderful people in my life updated with what the kindergarteners have been up to... and to publically declare the blessings in my life... some writings will be adventures, some will be crazy random stories, some will be rants, some will be circles of thought from this skull cavity of mine.. you've been warned :) and i love you!