focus

this will not surprise anyone that knows me: i'm a complicated, complex person... i feel like i'm pulled a thousand different directions in my head, but i love it... i won't be put in a box, and some of you have seen my drawing of the characteristic kindergarteners... but there are times and days when i know i'll be happy whatever i do because of my multi-personalities :)

i feel part punk - part hippie - part jock - part academic - part rock star - part conservationist - part advocate - part missionary - part social worker - part farmer - part child

i could happily settle down and start a family - start over and work towards a teaching job - apply to the peace corps - run off to the highlands and have a llama farm - become an airline steward - get a job in california/minnesota/maine/arizona - get a job in nairobi/dubai/new south wales/madagascar/edinburgh - apply for my PhD - join a nudist colony

i want to visit alcatraz island - milk a cow and press my own wheel of cheese - go sky diving - go to antarctica - see hippos in the wild - go camping - learn how to make a delicious creme brulee - be fluent in spanish and maybe some other languages - start or at least fund a bible camp

i have learned that the rabies vaccination shot is bright pink - that i would like another tattoo - that it's not bad to eat chocolate for breakfast - that eyelashes do grow back - that johnny depp's "captain jack sparrow" is influenced by Pepe le Pew, the skunk - that there are too many lonely people in the world to stay lonely myself

i believe that God created this planet on the basis of love, and the problem is that we are polluting it, on so many levels - that Jesus died for humanity cuz he loves us - that money is just numbers in the bank - that "iris" by the goo goo dolls is the best lyrical composition ever written - that i could escape from paying government taxes if i tried hard enough - that love is worth taking ridiculous risks for - in the cause of heifer international - that i'm good enough to wait for the guy that is bright enough to figure that out

i question the evils of the world - the point of my faith and Christianity - the laws of physics - my necessity to sleep, although not my enjoyment of it - my continual moving about and leaving the people i love - why consumerism is so popular - why people enjoy pop music

but i figure that no matter where i go or what i say or if i drink or when i trip up or who i'm with, God is with me and i only have to be obedient... the rest He will take care of... and i'm crap at being obedient... so it's gonna be rough at times, but i'm glad He's bigger than me

wild blue yonder

my pastor this morning gave an analogy that i can't help but share...
the people of the church were getting on this huge jumbo-jet, just getting packed on the plane, excited, humming, the engines were revving and it was standing room only, and people just kept coming... but the plane wasn't taking off... it was ready, crew, pilots, complimentary drinks and meals... but not going anywhere... something is holding the plane back...
without listening to the holy spirit, without obedience, without love and patience and boldness, we leave the blocks in, individually and as a body of Christ as a whole... the devotional i'm going through at the moment ("God calling" -- really good) had a blurb a few days ago with the thought, just imagine how amazing things would be if people actually did the work of God... its so overwhelming, but if we all did the little things, it would make a difference.. i know i'm not obedient... i question what the difference between me and the other guy is... what does it matter that i'm christian and that person isn't? my personal reverie aside, its so relevant... especially to this church, cuz its growing so fast, its mind-numbing, they just moved buildings cuz they ran out of room.. they need to move again... but what difference does it make if all these people stay in that building, blocks in place, shiny and busy and revving engines, if they don't move when they are told "go"?

incense

i read patrick suskind's book "perfume" earlier this month; the film "perfume: story of a murderer" was based on it, and i guess it was well done, but i recommend the book... highly... it takes you deep into the narrative of a mind (for most of the book) that is completely geared by his olfactory senses and it motivates and controls his life... its absolutely crazy but really well written and a fast read, although i didn't really want it to be...
naturally made me wonder about the scents in my life, how certain smells make me think of certain places, certain people...

• a combination of fire, lakes, insect repellent and sun block: red willow bible camp
• old spice: my grandfathers
• chocolate chip cookies and bread: my mom
• oil and old spice: my dad
• cut grass, chaf in the wind, downy fabric softener: my farm and my childhood
• brownies and a gas grill: 1680 marshall
• the weird combination of smells at cafe mac: cafe mac
• pine trees: my cousins farm
• and a bunch of other things that i can't remember now or always identify...and some are just really random...i won't bore you with details...

and then there are the scents of people -- their actual scent, which sounds weird and kinda creepy but we all have a scent... usually you only notice it when you go into someone's house, or their bedroom, or borrow their shirt or blanket or something... it smells like them... this smelling sense, highly underrated and under-acknowledged...

you make me feel -- isn't that enough

it's over... for over two years i've either wanted it to continue or it to be finished, and it's finally that... it's a good feeling... like the feeling when i was walking on the east sands of st andrews saturday morning, walking barefoot in the north sea, rain on my face, tears on my cheeks... hearing a voice saying "it's okay to cry... even i cry... but i will wipe away your tears... i always will"
it hurts to cry... but the feeling when they dry is euphoric...

poof

just a curiosity: what are the chances that a black bag sitting outside of JK rowlings house with the label "shredded paper" would be the shredded remains of the editings of her latest book?

toasted spagnum

edinburgh is an amazing city, full of cool accents, beautiful OLD buildings and landmarks and such, and lotsa green space to escape to and forget you are in a city...
cat and i went hiking around arthur's seat to get out in the sun, enjoy our holiday, and look for and identify moss... yes moss... remember i am a nerd, have always been one, and quite proud of it, and our professor decided at the beginning of the term that cat and i were british moss experts, since neither of us grew up anywhere near britain (her in africa and myself in nodakland), so we need to keep up our reputation... obviously...
long story short, in two parts: cat lives about a 7 minute walk from the base of arthur's seat.. it took us 30 min to get there cuz we took a detour through the edinburgh projects... made me smile and reminded me of the kids that i worked with for the last two summers...
part 2) we were busy planning the business that all of us crazy MSc students were going to open, calling it "jobbie hunters" and came around a corner to find a ~55 year old man, sunbathing in public, completely in the buff, stretched out like Tyra in a centerfold... it's Scotland, in APRIL, yes its sunny but still only 60 degrees F or so... we were speechless... and that takes a lot... but that moment inspired the moss song over lunch... ask if you like, but be forewarned if you are ever hiking in the middle of a city on an old volcano: you never know what you will find

confessions of a nose picker

you know everyone does it now and again... admit it...
anyway, i have to say, for easter sunday, i did absolutely nothing to celebrate the resurrection of my savior... as bad as that sounds, i did cook a massive brunch for ~15 people, had an easter egg hunt, complete with prizes, and people stayed around til 4 am, and since i'm now on spring break, i'm enjoying people's company and being in this grand city of edinburgh, and enjoying life really...
i've realized how much i love holidays... they are just specks of time, days in the year where we change things just a bit to remember something special, because its special to us, and usually we share that with the people around us... take pictures, eat food, tell stories, laugh til it hurts, send flowers, give hugs... and then we go back to routine, knowing that life is a little bit better because there are things worth celebrating...
they're also little reminders to remember the blessings of monotony in life...
so although i didn't go to church, didn't go to the big easter worship concert, and i didn't read the easter story that night... i am so thankful for all the blessings in my life, and i couldn't have designed a better way to celebrate than my 14 hour food fest and sharing it with the random people in my life here on this island...
happy easter to all, and to all a good night!!!

the wonder years

i stayed up last night until 1:30 reading some of my writings from when i was a teenager, 10 years ago... sigh...
it made me re-realize how angry i was, how emotional and raw and questioning i was... and how stoic and silent and strong i appeared on the outside... i wrote things down cuz i didn't think anyone would care to listen... i needed a vent, something to help me clarify my thoughts, feelings, life... guess i haven't changed much :) but that's not the point...
looking back, i like that person... angry, depressed, young, ignorant, but real... i think that's why i still like teenagers... i like how they think, see the world, how they are so in tune with their emotions cuz they're so self-focused (generally)... but they're real... adults are too good at using rationale to smother their emotions... too busy to pay attention to the little things in life that matter... too stressed to even bother realizing all they should be stressed about... they switch off, do things that are logical, responsible, the status quo cuz its easy...
i would never go back to my teenage years, and i would never change them, but i will also never be one of those adults that is dead to life... i want to remain raw, sensitive, receptive, but i'm a different person today... i'm not angry, depressed, alone... i'm loved... and i can be vulnerable and still risk things in this world because i'm loved and i'm forgiven... i don't have to switch off: i have nothing to lose...
the world is so different to me now because i know that...