machismo

i wonder about my image sometimes... i wonder if some guys are too convinced that i'm "one of the guys" and hence i don't have my days where i'm crabby, moody, just need to be left alone, and all the stress won't go away with food... it usually helps, but in the last week when i've been moderately stressed, i've noticed that my male friends are a bit confused and a little hurt by my snappy remarks and desire to just have time alone... i try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum, as i always do, but with my masters thesis looming over my head, it's been a bit stressful... so i do apologize... but i also use the excuse that i'm a girl and that's the way we are sometimes... that said, guys have mood swings too, but i guess i want to make it clear that my stressed-out behavior is nothing personal, against anyone... and i am continually amazed at the patience and love that my friends all possess...

another note, now that jared has moved in with naomi and i, i've noticed some interesting things about living with a guy... they are more concerned and less-laid back about things (like a smelly fridge) than they'd like to appear... they are much more concerned about their appearances than they'd ever admit... no matter how many times you remove them, the newspapers ALWAYS end up back in the bathroom...

volcano

have you ever had days when you just want to scream really really loud just because there's a lot of energy trapped inside of you and you don't know what else to do about it?

the adventure into the abyss

the first few times i tried watching "garden state" i got up and left the room because natalie portman's character is incredibly annoying the first 30 minutes, in my opinion... a few weekends ago, i was too ill to blink, so i watched the whole thing, and its quickly become one of my favorite films... it encompasses the redundancies, randomness, and realities of life so well... the writing is incredible, poetic without being unrealistic, and the awkwardness of returning to small-town life where everyone knows you, you know everyone, and it seems like nothing has changed but you know you have -- you see someone on the street you haven't seen in years, and you know you should say something but there's nothing really to say, and the silence that follows -- its all in there... the pain of living, the conversations that never happen, the words that are never said, its all in there... the ability that we all have to do something random and irrational and not have a clue to what we're doing but we're doing it anyway, its also there... i was impressed, and i don't think it was the delirium...

and portman's character quits being annoying after those first 30 minutes, right after the point where i usually got up and left... oh irony...

please keep your arms and legs inside the magic carpet

i went to a festival show entitled "bigger than Jesus" friday night with jared, tim, and jess... a man's depiction of the history of christianity, the story of Jesus' life, and the abuse of Christ's name throughout history and today, essentially... extremely well performed, well written, and very very funny in parts... a "Jesus Christ Superstar" music video cover with action figure Jesus, Darth Vader, and Judas was a Homer Simpson Pez Dispenser... anyway, one of his points came up in Karl's sermon on sunday... living a legend... we have one life to live, what impact will we leave behind? Jesus still has impact 2000+ years later... people mourned for Moses 30 days after he died and he was attested to be the most powerful and faithful prophet ever... not that i'm shooting for a lifestyle of biblical proportions, but what will i leave behind? it doesn't even have to be after i'm dead... we all walk through places and leave our footprints... what will people remember about me? WILL they remember me? its quite the question, one of which i can't really figure out if i really care if the answer is yes or no... the people that will remember me (i hope) are the ones that matter to me, really, and is there much we can do to be remember beyond our friends' and families' memories? i don't think so, and i don't think our future legacy is what's important... it's the present one, it's a temporary one, but it's important... the fact that it doesn't last cannot be a deterrant to ignore that it exists, even if just for a moment... i have to remind myself when i wake up that life is to be lived... a legacy, a journey, whatever, it's there... i'm not going to be one of those people that dies before i die...
but, it is a curious question... what will i be remembered for? i'd like to think it'd be my sense of humor, cooking skills ;) , love for life, love for the environment, and love for people... that i have faith in God, although questioning, and faith in humanity, although wavering, and faith that the sun will rise tomorrow on something better... hopefully.

windows

austin asked me what i got out of my recent trip to SA... i've thought about it, i'm sure it's a potentially long answer, but in short (hopefully)...

about myself -- i'm much much happier when i'm outdoors constantly, and i'm sure the sunshine helped... i feel different, i look different, i am different when i'm doing something i love

about faith -- i still struggle greatly with the whole evolution / creation bit... evolution makes sense in my head, creation makes sense in my heart, and basically i don't understand it all, no one does, and no one ever will... makes for good conversation... i also struggle with injustice and the evil in the world, and i struggle with my lack of doing anything about it... but that can change

about conservation -- its a dire dire career move... but its one of the only things that i can actually see myself caring about enough to do something about... the world is such a beautiful place... humanity is polluting it, humanity should clean it up

about men -- my life is too unpredictable right now to honestly consider a relationship in the real sense of the word... but its really really nice to get to know someone, for them to know you, for stories to be swapped, for mutual physical attraction, and for a good night kiss

about me not being a morning person -- with the right amount of sunshine, a cool enough temperature, and the right singing partner, anyone can wake up happy :)

an oyster in my hand

lately i've been thinking about the future, as we all do, especially when it's uncertain, which will probably be the for the remainder of my life... i look at the job market and different directions to go, and a lot of it sounds amazing, and some of it i even feel qualified for... but as much as i love and hate to admit it, i'm not at a stage in my life where i feel ready to settle down... i know of 5 sets of friends who have gotten married in the last 2 months, all my age or younger... 4 new babies have popped up in my relatives' lives... and my parents and grandparents continue to hint at the question "when are you going to move home, settle down, find a man, and have babies?"... although i've decided that my family is prolific enough for me never to have children, starting a family is also one of the last things on my mind... at the moment, i have this embedded knowingness (if that can be a word) that i will not be settling for a while, if ever... i've said it before, but i'll say it again, i have many homes and i don't know if that will ever change... my attention span is too short and my curiousity too large to settle...
this may all change, of course... there is a group of us that are planning on traveling for the next year, volunteering or working for different places in different parts of the world, gaining experience in conservation and hopefully making the world a better place little by little... of course there's selfish motivation behind it -- the world is a big big place, and its all at my fingertips... i want to see it...
of course my relatives don't like this... it's unheard of in my family, it's scary, it's unpredictable, it's full of uncertainty... i like that... it feeds my independence and drains my bank account... i'm okay with that...
traveling with these guys from my masters course will be an amazing experience... we all have this innate desire to help the environment, help people understand and want to help the environment... and we'll all get to experience it together... that's the one thing that scares me about this lifestyle that seems to be looming ahead of me... regardless of when it happens, our little clan will most likely split as life takes us different directions... it's happened before, it will happen again and again... more so if i keep packing up and going other places... i don't want to experience this alone for the entirity of my life... i want adventure, but i want to share it with someone... i want challenges and obstacles, but i want someone there to encourage me and be encouraged by me... i want someone else to remember the times when the beauty of Creation is so immense words can't describe it and it can only be experienced in the flesh... i want to fall asleep next to someone, knowing that neither of us knows what tomorrow brings but we're both perfectly fine with that...
but until someone comes along and can keep up, i guess i always have the voices in my head :)

stars in the twilight

today is one of those days i would skive and go sit in the park or climb arthur's seat and just ignore the amount of work sitting next to me...
on another note, someone told me recently that a realization he made one day was that people could be at their best, and the world will still be at its worst... i find it easy to look around at the disasters in the world and be overwhelmed by the state of our home planet, and i find it equally easy to focus in on the little things in life that are simply amazing and full of goodness... they both exist at the same time... as pessimistic as that statement may seem, its reality... i don't think its a bad thing, just true... its frustrating and dumbfounding when the world's problems overshadow the goodness that people can bring to the world... we just can't give up, that's the key to it all, i think...

what will it take, when will we see
life is not how its meant to be
maybe the sun will rise tomorrow