parachute, anyone?

it all makes my head very dizzy...
for some reason, committing four years to a university, and one year to another, and a year on the road... wasn't a big deal...
signing 2-3 years to a job: terrifying...
maybe it's the commitment, maybe its the responsibility of having to actually contribute to a cause (in a financial sense, i guess all senses really... but its the financial that is scary), maybe its the idea of having a salary... the last salary i had was the summer contract at RWBC... $2500 for the summer i think, and when we broke it down, cuz we technically worked 24 hours for 5 1/2 days a week or something like that, it was under a dollar an hour... i'm so used to just barely making it in the black, being able to pay for rent, bills, and food (and actually, most of that money came from loans -- such a typical american!)... the idea of having more than that... somewhat scary...
lots of other details as well... insurance, immigration, travel arrangements, taxes, community involvement...
i've spent a lot of my recent life trusting on God... he's informed me that we've been through nothing yet, and get ready to redefine my idea of trust...

vacancies for all

you know how facebook shows six of your friends at any given time in the "friends" box on your wall?
four of mine today were pictures of my friends' babies...
i guess its just one of those moments where i have realized that time is always going by... i don't want to have urgency in my life, i don't hear my "clock" ticking, or anything, i'm trying my best to stay in the moment and enjoy it... but sometimes there seems to be something missing, at times its easier to think about the things i don't have rather than those i do...
i guess i just really want to have a reason to be drawn in one direction or another... a slight glipse into what the next step is...
its all very vague. if i'm going to be blunt, i'm lonely.
and none of this seems very coherent but in my head and life its all connected...
welcome to my world... stay as long as you like...

the dawn of forever

today is the day that Christians celebrate what makes them different from anyone else...
lots of historians, religious texts, antagonists all recognize that Jesus was born -- Christmas is a great holiday, but nothing all that special, really...
but only Christians believe he rose from the dead... that he kept the prophecies and all his promises, and through the power of God -- because he was God -- he brought on eternal life and has made it available to all..
and he really means all...
his closest friends whilst on earth were sneaky tax collectors, smelly fishermen, guys with a temper and a bit of a violent streak, sketchy prostitutes, even his own mother was a bit of a cause of gossip for folks -- she was pregnant before she was married, after all...
he hugged the untouchables, reached out to the poor, helped the blind see and the lame walk and lonely feel loved and the marginalized feel welcome... the children feel important...
his feet were dirty, he probably had bad breath, he walked the same streets as anyone else and didn't lock himself up in a temple, away from his people, his creation, his loved ones...
there is a God that loves his earth, in all its calamity and spontaneity, and all its people, in all their normalcy and failings...
his followers did not walk around with glowing halos like they do in stained glass windows...
they ran away, they cried, they were confused and doubted and denied him...
but he still called them by name, called them friends, when he spoke to them..
that is the Savior... he loves... he lives...
still.

a recipe for transformation

in a philosophical mood lately, i sat on top of arthurs seat in edinburgh and contemplating who i'd like to be -- little things in my life that i would like to be true, whether they are or are not at this moment...
i'd like...
...to improve my diet, eat local stuff when i can, eat organic/fair trade/free range when i can, grow my own food (someday) when i can, drink lots of water since i can
...to only buy fair trade chocolate
...to exercise regularly so my body feels healthy
...to read the Bible, pray and meditate more, listen more
...to not be scared to be moved by my soul and heart and do/say what i'm feeling pushed to do/say
...for my parents to know more about who i am, what i believe, why i do what i do, and be okay with all of that
...to shop at charity/thrift stores more and other cheap stores less
...to trust more
...to play guitar better
...to take up rock climbing at some point in time in my life
...to continue my education, formally or not, doesn't matter
...to go to antarctica
...to fall in love for the right reasons
...to be bold and gentle, steadfast but openminded, loving
...to see a hippo in the wild. wow.

a, b, c, d...

things i have learned in the last year:
i have a fairly strong stomach and a wide range of culinary appreciation
i like the craziness of the developing world
i want to live in south america, at least for a little while
i am much more easily persuaded my external forces than i'd like to admit
i need a christian community to be happy
God is faithful and forgiving
for now, scotland feels like home

all you need is love

gettting ready for Christmas normally involves shopping, baking, writing letters and cards, and trying to figure out how to visit as many people as possible within a short period of time... and in recent years, my plans have included flights, trains, and buses, and how to recover when blizzards hit and find a way to my family... this year, things are a bit different... i will be ushering in summer, not winter, a few days before the 25th... i will need sunscreen and bugspray, not a scarf and snowboots... and will probably play in the ocean and eat ice cream, not throw snowballs and eat lots of Christmas cookies... ok, there might still be Christmas cookies...



but what about Jesus? i've never thought about what it meant to prepare for Christ's arrival on earth (or the celebration of it, which has already happened)... but i heard a sermon a week or so ago on this concept... and it got me to thinking: how did Mary prepare for this? watching my bosses in the last couple months, who had their first child on halloween night, getting ready for their baby, i wouldn't be surprised if Mary's actions were really much different... getting advice and support from family and friends, making space in the home for the little one, mentally psyching herself up for a natural birth without the wonders of modern medicine... but after the birth, what can you do to prepare a child for the world? stories, scoldings, warnings, encouragements can all guide the youth throught the experiences of the elders, but lessons are usually learned the hard way, as we all know... all Mary could do was love her child... love him as any parent loves their kids, as any person loves another, as anyone who cares about anyone else loves them...

its all Jesus asks of us as well... there's a lot of stuff in the world we can't fix, can't control, and can't prepare for... but we can love one another, and we can love God and our Savior... in preparation for the days to come, and when we see the Messiah once again...

so i wish you a very Merry Christmas, full of love, in all the ways it can manifest itself!

not a barbie girl

i often have moments where i realize how un-girly i am... granted, i have the times where i shriek over really exciting news or the sudden appearance of a poisonous snake, like to sit and watch a movie eating nothing but chocolate, and comment on how hot the waiter is... but in the grand scheme of things:

i fall over in heels.. nope, can't walk in them for the life of me! although i've made it a goal to be able to wear them to a wedding next labor day weekend in the states... 8 months and counting..

i don't really like chick flicks... i like plot. story line. not necessarily a movie that is only going to make a profit because colin firth stars...

i'm not addicted to shopping... can't really stand it, to be honest, most of the time... i've seen girls twitch and go a bit crazy because they haven't spent money on something in the last week.. or 24 hours...

i'm not graceful, or delicate, or "curvy" or anything really feminine most of the time..i'd like to think i can be, but usually, i'm not...

but at the same time, i would love to be someone who is adored by someone else, i appreciate the genuine flattery of friends (and a guy every now and then) and have my moments where i just want someone to take me in his arms and make the rest of the world disappear for a while... a cowboy to sweep me away and ride off into the sunset... i want to encourage, inspire, and love a man who loves God more than me, and loves me more than himself :) and i want to be encouraged and inspired by him as well...

most of all, i want to be a follower of Christ who admits her mistakes more than she does now, dare to try to make the world a better place, and with the grace of God maybe even change something... being a girl has nothing to do with any of that, but i think it might help :)