never a lonely planet

I was reminded tonight of how wonderful it is to travel, to stretch the limits of what one defines as humanity and add more depth and colour to that definition, to gaze with wondering eyes at a corner of the world that has not been seen in this light in this moment before, to get lost in the ambulations of a new accent, language, lingo, to not care what time or day or time zone it is, to linger in the joy of being in someone's home when hotels and cafes have been maxed out of their hospitality, to anticipate how much amazement others will have when stories, photos and memories are shared, and to take the first step in blind faith that the world will not swallow you up if you walk willingly into the unknown and rather breathe deeply a new air of life.

valentine

individually created
wonderfully made
lovingly cherished
beautifully named

passionately treasured
eternally claimed
happily welcomed
unashamedly saved

stand like william wallace and be braveheart

"it's about freedom. we value our freedom. when you start taking away our freedoms, that's not right. that's socialism."

a conversation i had with a friend's dad the other night came to a halt with this sentence. we had been talking about health care. my friend's mother seemlessly changed topics to curling (the sport, not the hair). but it made me think:

americans value their freedoms, i agree there; most people do. but what is freedom?

wikipedia states a few definitions, including these two:
free will - the ability of agents to make choices free of certain kinds of constraint and political freedom - the absense of interference of the sovereignty of the individual by use of coercion or agression

these are the freedoms, i think, which many americans fear are being treaded upon with a concept of national health care, paid for by taxes -- free will, for that percentage of their money to go towards what they choose, and political freedom, in that the government is removing that individual sovereignty. freedom to choose who money benefits...

but americans willingly pay for other public services - such as police officers, schools, libraries... i personally have never called the police to protect me, or have ever had children to send to school (but i do use libraries)... so why would having someone reaping health benefits from this same cut be any different? argue that someone will take advantage of the system -- someone is already taking advantage of the system... advertisement, marketing, entertainment takes advantage of the consumerism system... why not have someone actually benefitting for once? improved health cannot be a bad thing, same as improved protection, education, and knowledge...

and why fear socialism? i have done no research into this but this is my gut feeling -- because we are told to... especially america's baby boomer generation, who fought war after war against countries who were not necessarily democratic nor capitalist... they were the other guy, the bad guy, and they all fall under generic labels such as socialism... i'm not suggesting anarchy, to stampede the white house, nothing of the sort... i'm suggesting losing labels, past fears, deeply-ingrained messages, all of which is really difficult to do... but to open your eyes, ears and minds is a freedom we possess... and can value...

the beautiful intensity

a bruised and broken heart
scarred over, hardened
heavy
lifted by bruised and scarred hands
surrounded
lightened
enlightened
healing through surrender
joy through tears
a rush of fire
rain
wind
storms
and then
peace
glowing in stillness
featherlight
met in a dark corner of myself
to be led into the light
and called home.

the strength of the grip of the devil

"dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. and this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. and this is how we know that he lives in us: we know it by the Spirit he gave us."

foundation of what it means to follow God's command -- believe in the name of Jesus and to love one another... i know myself, i fall short on both of these two little things multiple times a day, and yet they are simple things... both containing power, both being controversial and against the grain of society, both worth dying for, both worth living for...

the dirty history of the church has too often focused on the first bit and forgotten the latter... as followers, we are called to love one another, acting out in love as motivated and urged by the Spirit.. you know the feeling, i know it... that little lurch in your stomach to do something a bit unusual but helpful for someone you don't know, you don't even like maybe... the little voice in your head that tells you to say something, stop talking, choose your words wisely, or just to shut up... the wonder in your heart that thrills at the small variations in people, that makes us all unique and different and therefore a facet of the glimmering diamond in God's eye...

love allows us to not let the differences get in the way of knowing we all are loved the same... we don't have to understand all of the different ways of living, languages, cultures, traditions, musical preferences, style of dress... we can accept and love it because God loves it... He made it...

so why is it so hard? why is it easier to give into fear and self-absorbed living and exclusions and forcible conversion? why is it so difficult to love?

maybe it's simply too powerful, too powerful to effectively encapsulate in a human being? is it a testament to the Godly nature of it that we just can't handle it all the time and have to act otherwise?

still have to try... but I'm sorry for when I fail... but I will keep trying...

even tomboys want to be treated like queens

"if a man we don't know phones us up one day and talks a little, makes no suggestions, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we're quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. that's what we women are like, and there's nothing wrong with that - it's the nature of the female to open herself to love easily." (from "the witch of portobello" by Paulo Coelho)

i think there's a lot of truth in that statement... for one reason or another, women seem to seek and be more open to love than men (please take all sweeping generalizations with a pinch of salt)... i've learned that regardless of the fact that i have fantastic friends around the world and in my house, a loving family, a wonderful church and great co-workers, there is still an emptiness which craves the love and attention of a single man... to be recognized as special, different than the other people in his life, to be physically attractive, to catch the light in a room, that causes the world to go silent for just one person...

so putting aside my pride and fear of commitment (or at least ignoring them), i signed up for online dating... i had never really considered it before, but i figure that i don't know anyone in my life who is male, single, available and interested (and compatible, for that matter), so i might as well go to the places where others are looking... i get too defensive in pubs, so it had to be online...

it's been a real learning experience, about how to answer the static computer questions honestly, how to screen emails from potential stalkers, how to ignore guys that just don't grab my interest, and to realize how shallow i can be at times!

but it's still a game of patience... there's a part of me that wants to find someone who is easy to talk to, treats me with respect and doesn't push things... but there's also a part of me that wants to be wined-and-dined, that wants someone to have the boldness to say "want to meet somewhere this weekend" even though we've only traded "ice breakers" online, someone who readily accepts leadership as well as compromise in a relationship... i've been the one who's dragged relationships before, giving all my energy without it clicking, and it's not easy nor fun.. i'm not going to do it again... i've been told i'm an intimidating person, and i know i have a fairly assertive personality... i need someone who's willing to introduce romance into my life, no matter how difficult that might be...

i am just a girl, after all...

2:15.29

5:45 am -- alarm goes off.
6 am -- trying to force myself to eat breakfast and stay awake. it's simply too early but food is necessary!
7:30 am -- standing in line at the port-a-loo, still not really awake and not fully aware of what's going on.
7:45 am -- we are directed towards our "pens" and we stand, in the fading rain, waiting with people dressed in various colored shirts and all conducting strange little routines (some serious, some not)
7:53 am -- singing "500 miles" at the top of our lungs, still standing in the middle of a "pen" in the middle of the street
8 am -- clock starts
8:05 am -- cross the start line, thus begins 13.1 miles of running!
10:20 am -- cross the finish line. thus ends 13.1 miles of "running"!

so. as i sit here with icy-hot burning / cooling my quads on a sunday night, thought i'd recount my half-marathon experience whilst it was still fresh on the mind and muscles. it was a perfect morning for it, about 12 degrees Celsius, overcast with a drizzle of rain right at the beginning but waaaaaaaaaay too early in the morning for me. the nice thing is, it was early enough where i don't remember much of the first 4 miles and it doesn't feel like i was running for over 2 hours today. so that's nice. however, i can't say that i'm inspired to do a full marathon. watching the elite runners in the race after us, running twice as fast as our pace, i really respect people who dedicate so much time and energy to training for distance running... i am not one of those people naturally, and it will take a lot of convincing and an amazing charitable cause to ever get me to run a marathon. i think if it was something you could just get up and do, it'd be fine. it really is all the training it takes to be able to run that distance and actually enjoy / survive it.
so i'm slightly pessimistic at the moment -- the last half of my half marathon was quite painful, to be honest... i had a massive side ache that wouldn't go away, and this weird bloated / overhydrated feeling those last 6 miles (maybe too much information for you, sorry :P ) and as soon as i finished, my quads seized on me and continue to be rock-solid unhappy bunnies... but saying all of that, the rest of me feels fine and my breathing / heart rate recovered quickly, which is a really good feeling..
knowing i can be pushed that far is also a good feeling... calling a 30 minute run a "short" run now, instead of a long run, is also a good feeling... icy hot on my quads is an AMAZING feeling! and knowing that i did this for a great charity with a fabulous team of girls is also amazing..
just don't think i'll be running a marathon anytime soon. :)

i love haggis btw

if you lived with me at some point, you probably know a lot about me, but random list of things you might not know...
i sneeze a lot... at least once every morning, thus at least once every day
i cut my fingernails at least once every other day... a strange obsession from years of playing volleyball, playing guitar, and now rock climbing
i love to experiment with cooking... at the moment, my lunch is a calzone with caramelized onion and cous cous, peppers, salsa, jalepenos and cheddar... sadly inspiring but nothing other than what's in the fridge
i'm not a morning person but i love waking up to the sun and birds singing... it could be 4 in the morning and i'd be perfectly happy waking up to that... especially if i had been sleeping in a tent
i am terrified of heights... hate them, but loved skydiving
i dream of a place where people break out into choreographed song on the street... watching "glee" and eating jelly beans fuels this dream, it's just so happy
i'm a socialist at heart... controversial to some
i would love to open a cafe called "holy guacomole" because a friend of mine had a dream where someone gave him a chimichanga and told him, "keep this chimichanga for Mother Teresa"... pure genius

a chronological re-visit of God's wonders

Another chapter done. A quick summary would look something like this:

February 2009 -- spontaneous conclusion to a trip round-the-world. Landing in Edinburgh, as soon as I stepped outside of the plane door into the Scottish air, a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I knew in my heart I was home, for now.

And a room in my old flat had opened up the night before. I was moving home!

March 2009 -- after returning to the UK, the severity of the recession was starting to become a reality as fewer and fewer job opportunities appeared on the market, and fewer still even bothered to send me a rejection letter after applying. Keeping my silly optimism, landed a casual waitressing job at a restaurant up the road, working 2-3 times a week and scraping by on rent.

May 2009 -- after failing to get a more consistent waitressing job in a cafe and losing my other waitressing job, I got on a train to Pitlochry for a conference on a Friday afternoon with no prospects of employment. At all. And feeling quite sorry for myself at that point deep down, due to my inability to make a latte and be employable.

That night, in a byre over lasagne with people I didn't really know, two of the conference staff kept talking about the Scottish holiday they were hosting that following week in the Cairngorms and how they needed volunteers to help make it happen. I ignored the first comment, but as it continued to come up over the course of dinner and the conference, it finally sunk in that I had no plans for the following year, much less the following week, so said I could help out. And found myself on a train to Kinguissie Sunday night to spend a week cooking, cleaning, hiking, bird watching and dolphin watching in the Highlands.

On the train journey back to Edinburgh, I was asked to apply for a post with the charity.

June 2009 -- traveled to London for my interview and was convinced that I wasn't getting the job. How wrong I was.

August 2009 -- two weeks of training with A Roch for a two-day / week post. With the expiration of my visa looming over my head, I knew it was a great start but wasn't enough to keep me in the UK. A post for an admin role in Edinburgh appeared online. Three days / week. Contact: a friend of mine.

September 2009 -- started working full time, 2 days a week for A Rocha, three days a week for this university. Needed to start lining up details for the visa application now that employment was in place. Certain amount of funds needed by Nov 1.

November 2009 -- funds in the bank.

January 2010 -- employers more than willing to be flexible and have A Rocha employ me full time and sponsor me for my visa. Certificate of sponsorship comes through 1 week before the deadline for my application.

February 2010 -- application in the post the day before the deadline. Peace settles in my heart, and an echoing voice saying -- I provide all that you need for my promises to be fulfilled.
Called in for biometrics.

March 2010 -- approval letter, passport and visa ID card arrive in the post, one week before I'm leaving the country to go on holiday in Morocco.

God is funny, timely and loves in such an extravagant, BIG way! Even when I question, He smiles and provides with arms wide open.

And God said, "I will be with you." -- Exodus 4:12

shadows of tears

i want to talk and talk and talk and talk... but i can't find the words to say...
my heart is aching, wounded, broken... but light and secure...
to be forgiven is one thing... to live it out is another...
to be released from the past and the sin and the anger and mistakes allows me to act more fully in love, peace, patience, kindness... but do i have the courage to go through with it all?
God will grant me strength... but how do i know how to use it?
and why do i find it easier to trust in perfect strangers than those who were there the day i was born?
does this geographical distance reflect the wall that i've placed around my heart? do the wounds run so deep i need to hide them with an ocean?
at what point do i speak? at what point do i ignore it all? at what point does my pain become unbearable? at what point is it right to be honest and confrontational?
and would it do any good?
guess some of the words were there after all...

taken like moths

"Humanity is identity. All men are the same clay. No difference, here below at least, in predestination. The same darkness before, the same flesh during, the same ashes after life. But ignorance, mixed with the human composition, blackens it. This incurable ignorance possesses the heart of man, and there becomes Evil.

... What is required to exorcise these goblins? Light. Light in floods. No bat resists the dawn. Illuminate the bottom of society."

- Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

spring thaw

Edinburgh has been blessed to get a really white, beautiful Christmas and New Years holiday... now it's all melting and turning slushy and muddy like the Scottish winters I've seen before, but it makes me sad because I love the snow... it's fun, it's cold, it's surprising, it's fun, it wakes me up in the morning, it's fun, it reminds me of my childhood, it makes me feel justified in eating lots and drinking hot chocolates, and it's fun... and now it's all going away and getting messy... bring on the daffodils... in january... :(

but reflecting and being all metaphorical like i like to be, i really want my heart to thaw a bit this year... there are walls i'd rather not have to maintain, hurts i'd like to let heal, people i'd like to forgive, and pasts i'd like to move on from... some run deeper than others... but they all hold me back and weigh me down... i know i can't do it alone and i don't want to do it alone... to let go, to be vulnerable, one has to be secure enough to go into that open space, to believe that there is more love present than pain, more acceptance and less judgement, and peace that will remain after the storms...

with some of these things, i'm struggling to have the courage to break down the bricks... with others i'm simply lost and don't know where to start...

a resolution i've made this year is to listen more... i firmly believe God speaks to stumbling fools like yours truly, and i've heard his voice before... it has come as guidance and as comfort... but right now i need to have the faith that it comes as truth...

so here's to a messy and muddy spring... and the flowers that may bloom through it all

home for hearts

the last day of 2009 -- end of a year, end of a decade... personally, my sinuses are blocked and i slept 12 hours last night and still feel tired, so will probably be a quiet night, but i wish you all many happy celebrations!

a reflection on this year -- i've learned that what we truly seek in life is love... whether it's love for what you do, who you are with, where you are, or within one special person, we all want to feel love and be loved... although curiosity, anger, or ambition causes us to go places and do things as well, we always seek to return to the source of love...

let 2010 be the year of love for you

an unedited politically-edged rambling plea

with the wave coming up, and meeting in copenhagen, if climate change wasn't on my mind before, it definitely is now...
it is one of those things that we can choose whether or not to be apathetic...
yes it's one of those really big global problems that it seems like a little action won't amount to much, one person can't change anything, and no one is really certain about who and what causes the most damage, how to fix it, and who should take responsibility...
so it's easy to cast aside, think that it's either hopeless or someone else smarter/richer/more powerful will take care of it...
there is no such thing as someone else... we all know how much we can influence our own lives, but we will never have any idea of how much we impact the world -- even if you don't try... inaction still has effects...
you don't have to protest, you don't have to become vegan, you don't have to stop travelling... for now, all i ask is that you care and that you might consider letting that change your behaviour, even just a little bit...
we share this earth, we live on this earth, it is our home... even if you aren't convinced that the world is heading for climate and habitat destruction, just consider helping to reduce your impact on it, even just a little bit... it may thank you...
just please don't be apathetic...

the canal from my two wheels

the union canal cuts through edinburgh and makes up most of my commuter route in the morning...it's a busy route -- it's a menagerie of cyclists, runners, walkers, businessmen, mums with babies, dogs, cats, rats, swans, and rabbits...
the canal can be really still... on quiet mornings, the water simply reflects the remainder of the dawn that lingers in the morning, only disturbed by the dedicated rowers and the ducks that take advantage of the early light... other mornings, the canal moves really swiftly, and often i find myself fighting the scottish wind which is so determined to knock me into the water... raindrops often break the surface of the water, another reminder that i am definitely in Scotland...
quite a few swans live along the canal, including the group that have adopted a Canada goose... mallards congregate, and moorhens duck in front of your bike tires, like being squashed by cyclists is a fun idea... gulls and terns swoop over head, and magpies and blackbirds sing in the bushes along the other side of the path...
nighttime comes earlier nowadays, and everything looks different... i don't have one of those effective bike lights -- it's main purpose is so others can see me, not so i can see... all senses are heightened and although some parts are lit by street lights, most of the way i have to rely on a mental map of the canal... can't predict the bumps or puddles anymore, its just blinding moving along and trusting that the path hasn't taken a sudden detour and sends you flying into the canal itself to join the sleeping ducks...
not to mention the rats, maybe they are water voles, but they only come out to play after the sun goes down... there's been times where they have ducked my tires as well...
there is also the saxophone player... at lunch time he stands under one of the bridges with a tenor saxophone, bike lying at his side, and plays... just plays and plays and plays...
it's not a bad commute, really :)

a long-lost love returns

it's october -- not quite sure how that happened, but it did.. with it, was the arrival of autumn!!
i've always loved the autumn season; as a kid, it was because my birthday is in november, and that scores big points (still does, i guess!) and now i think the admiration is increased because last year i never saw autumn... we went from scottish spring to american summer to south american winter to new zealand spring to australian summer to japan winter to thailand... well, it's always hot in thailand, isn't it?
so the turning of the leaves, the smell of fireplaces in the air, the bite of the wind in the morning, the excuse to bake things with apple and cinnamon, the coziness of blankets, and the promise of colder weather and longer nights... it's all very very exciting...
and my birthday is coming... yay!

a new path to golden arches

i had a revelation today... maybe that's over-dramatic, but it was definitely a light-bulb moment worthy of any Saturday morning cartoon...
i have always struggled with the exclusivity of christianity... the idea being summed up in John 14:6 -- "Jesus answered, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
i always viewed this as a threat, a condemnation, a blatant segregation...
how very wrong was i...
it is an invitation... an invitation to all... Jesus does not want believers to memorize scripture and regurgitate it so that we are guaranteed a spot past the pearly gates for his health...He is not about speaking words that aren't meant, being in the front row of church on sunday morning, or believing that wearing a cross necklace is a golden ticket to heaven... He wants people to believe so that they may be loved... loved by the father, known by the father, and to know the father, and love the father... so that this love be so intimate that it pours out -- rushes out -- and sweeps others off of their feet, gasping for air, dazed in its golden light, and wanting more...
and yes, to do that for eternity...
we were all made in the image of God... to know God closely will reveal purer versions of ourselves, helping to decrease the taintedness (not a word, i don't care) of this polluted world... this is what Jesus was for, so we could reach God, see him, know him, better realize his presence... God is beyond anything and everything... Jesus was human... that is something we can all relate to... which means we actually have a way to relate to God. Wow.
everyone is invited to the party... can we, as a church, reflect that? can i, as an individual, live like that? live out, reach out, act out as one who believes that Jesus is inviting everyone i meet and i'm one of the messengers?
make sure that i'm not the one that is making christianity exclusive?

bella

i realize there are many, many things to love about the world in which i live...
it's very pretty: the sky is blue, the grass is green, the leaves are just starting to turn various autumnal colors, and wind is low, the birds will sing, and we are part of everything...
i've got a roof over my head, food in the fridge, socks in my drawer, slippers under my bed, clean running water, a window in my bedroom, and oreos on my floor...
i have a quirky but fun, opinionated but loving, critical but forgiving family, who all run with a policy of keeping the door open, the wine flowing, the food on the table, the conversation and the laughter going...
and my friends are such bright lights in my life... there are so many moments where i am humbled and astounded that i am blessed with such loving, wonderful, fun, warm-hearted, and beautiful friends... i don't think i could tell them enough times how much i love them and how thankful i am for them...
life is beautiful.

sunspots

i am fully convinced that the world would be a different place if not so many people believed it revolved around them...
if the world revolves around so many individual people, no wonder its such a messed up place... it has no idea which direction it should go, which way to spin, who to follow next... too many priorities and too many desires to try to meet and please... people are pulling it this way and that, turning it on its head and kicking it about, just so it keeps up with them, and submits to their every whim and whisper...
the world actually revolves around the sun, the giver of life and light to the whole of the earth...
funny that...
if we all had that mindset -- the earth works and acts in order to provide life and light for all -- and we followed in its example, this would be a very different world indeed...

God doesn't shuffle his feet...

i've been meaning to write this rant for about a week now, so with a slightly more rational head and a bit less anger, here we go...
fyi. heads up all you christians...
do you really believe in the God that created the earth?
in the Jesus who walked on water? stilled storms with a sentence? healed the sick, rose the dead, fed over 5,000 people with 2 fish and some bread?
in the spirit that was granted to be in our presence, to guide us, to intervene for us when words failed us in prayer and only our hearts knew what to say?
DO YOU REALLY???
then why do you not act like you follow the ways He set out for us? why do you not love your neighbour? why do you think you can't do something? why do you cease loving?
we have no excuse for these things... re-think about all those things that we believe in...
re-think about the idea that you believe in ETERNAL life and what that means on a logical, worldly scale...
impossible?
that's what i thought...
we have no limits... we have God...
don't get me wrong, i fall into all of those faulty categories and more... i'm a failure...
but i'm going to try... really hard...
so don't tell me i can't...
me and God will prove you wrong...