hallmark moments

spending my day in fargo, i got to catch up with a few good friends of mine... i think there's an amazing element in friendships when you haven't seen each other in a year -- or two -- and conversations and laughter can still be had...
it makes me wonder what causes us to care... why do we care about each other, what we do, what will happen to us, what we are thinking/feeling/believing/contemplating... relationships are crazy things, some people just click, some take more time, others just don't work at all...
the thing i don't like is friendships where no one cares... its convenient, immediate, and enjoyable, but there's no long term investment -- if i died tomorrow, i'm sure i have some "friends" that wouldn't really care... this "friend" term can be tossed around very lightly these days, especially in a world of networking... another word, meant to carry a lot of emotion, commitment, and love, that is abused and over-used in shallow situations where short-term gain is the only commonality...
granted, some relationships are short-lived for different reasons... there are people i have met whom i really enjoyed spending time with, even if it was for 30 minutes and i will probably never see them again...
but i must say, i am really thankful for those people who i haven't seen recently or often, and we haven't really kept in touch, but time together is still such a blessing.
So thanks guys.

days go by

oh 2007... it seems to have rushed by without much warning of its disappearance... having spent so much time in a computer lab, typing, this year, i think i've only really made it to april in my own little world... but alas, the year is coming to a close and its had its moments...
best movies: difficult. "once" ... "into the wild" ... "the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford" (casey affleck gives one of the best performances of the year in my opinion. amazing.) ... "waitress" ... "across the universe" ... most of these aren't too well known, the blockbusters of this year were over-rated, i think... all the "threes", hp5, even the golden compass, although entertaining, not all that great of films... fun ones that weren't necessarily great but still fun: "300" "die hard 4.0" "transformers" "oceans 13" ... ok maybe 300 isn't your type of fun movie, but i enjoyed it...
memories: laying on a table in south africa, with a relatively warm wind, next to a campfire, listening to "chasing cars" by snowpatrol and enjoying the starlight with good friends and not a care in the world ... all the random, spontaneous songs composed by my crazy friends ... girls night out at potterrow :) ... Christmas travels have been pretty great so far, and looking forward to continuing them... setting the deposit on the round the world ticket... finishing my masters thesis... graduation night... hitting the uk with my sister...
struggles: oh so many... my relationship/guy issues resurfaced a bit, and my confusion with how to deal with it is overshadowed by my lack of interest and need to deal with it... laziness, i'm getting caught in the melancholy rhythm of life and getting lazy, even about things i love to do... prayer life = virtually non-existent... being stubborn and cynical with faith... loneliness, aren't we all?
lessons: i'm have geographical commitment issues, music can soothe the soul, family is family, and the more we appreciate time, the faster it goes...

little hicktown

a lot of movies seem to have consistent themes: the importance of relationships, the hilarity of physical injury, how life doesn't always work out as you would like but it still works out, how personal success isn't the most important thing in the world, and the concept of home... belonging... anything family related seems to be extremely common, probably because its one of those things to which the majority of people can relate...
being in wyoming, i've watched a lot of movies this past week (because there really isn't much else to do)... the last one (other than "wild hogs" hee hee) was "elizabethtown" -- a man returns to his father's home town for the funeral and realizes how well loved his father was there... there was a slight undertone of bitterness from the locals, how some woman stole him away from his high school sweetheart, how he left town for "california", but overall, elizabethtown still loved him... what it means to leave people behind...
i see myself becoming "one of those" -- this past week, a friend of my sister's said to me, at a home basketball game, "i knew you were too smart to stay in this town"... flattered, but i don't think "being smart" has much to do with it... there's all kinds of callings in this life, location is one of the details... i just don't belong in wright, wyoming... i am not the one who gets an education degree and comes back to teach at my old elementary school, or who marries her high school sweetheart, or becomes a full time waitress, or coal miner, or construction worker, or whatever... i don't know what i am, i just am, and i don't feel "at home" anywhere at the moment... edinburgh is my home now, where i stay, and i do love it... but i do appreciate coming from one of those places where i can return, have a conversation with my high school teachers, and they still remember who i am... where i can go into a store and tell someone i'm "dwight and lois's oldest" and they know what that means, and therefore who i am, and commence to tell me their life story :) i like that. community. it is rare.
saying that, if i ever have a family, i'd like my kids to be able to return to that, when they grow up and leave... even if they are bored out of their skulls as teenagers, i'd like them to know what community is like... somehow...
this week, i've also realized that our cat can play fetch (when she wants to, of course), memories are best when they are shared, and people are pretty barbaric when eating bbq ribs... in a good way, of course :)
Merry Christmas to all, and best wishes to everyone!

time travel

hmmm new years resolutions...
a new start, a new beginning, right after 5 weeks of eating a lot, or not necessarily a LOT, but a little, constantly... being lazy, enjoying the company of many loved ones, sitting around, catching up over coffee/cider/eggnog/hot chocolate/dinner/dessert and then watching holiday movies/the football game/old family videos/people open gift after gift after gift... the holidays are a break from our normal schedules, reality, life... and after new years, our last 24 hours of indulgence, all of it comes rushing back as we go back to our lives, seeing the extra calories, feeling the lack of exercise, receiving the credit card bills.. so new years resolutions are made, in those moments between weakness and being overwhelmed, when we are inspired and motivated to do something different with our lives, change small things and big things, to make our lives better...
i've never been a fan of new years resolutions... maybe because its not a big thing for anyone in my family, just like i've never really been big on giving things up for lent... but that changed last year and it was a good change (i gave up being lazy... it worked, for awhile)... maybe i'll have a new years resolution to not be lazy all year... that would do me some good... its one of the greater struggles in my life... to be lackadaisical, apathetic, too accepting -- to the point of being spineless about the events in life... its a fear i have, to settle for anything less than what i expect or wish... i like contentment, comfort, just not settling... not that i feel i have settled for anything, the instability in my life should give enough evidence for that... i just don't want to slip into the real world everyone keeps telling me about and asking me about and if i have a future planned out...
but i still have time to figure out a new years resolution, i guess...

i've decided that i use this too often to complain about things, so i'm going to force myself to count the blessings in my life, taking advice from Og Mandino's "God Memorandum" -- regardless of my very strong natural tendencies right now... cuz i don't really have anything to complain about. really.
my family loves me... as much as we don't see eye to eye and we don't understand each other and don't listen to each other (sorry: complaining), we accept that and just get along, even when we really don't... they are crazy, fun, energetic, strange, and motivated people who only want the best for their loved ones, and willing to sacrifice much of themselves for that... proof is in the past...
i am sitting in an amazing spot in life right now... i am able to travel, see things and people and places, experience culture, food, music, and adventure beyond my farmhood imagination and there's more to come...
God loves me... as much as i've denied Him in the last - oh, lifetime, deep down i know this and maybe i'll get back to a place where i can feel this and see this without effort...
i am home for christmas... every serenader's dream... and its a white one, with more snow coming tonight!

working class barbie

my brother is writing an essay for school titled "what is happiness?" -- rather, he's supposed to be writing it but is watching ESPN... regardless, he has a collection of short essays in which to compare, contrast, etc. etc... one of them was an interesting take on the "modern woman" trend to stay single longer and delay, if not completely forgo, getting married and having a family... my brother (age 17) said its a selfish lifestyle and at 30 or 40, those women will look back and wonder what they missed out on... i gave him the eye, reminding him that i am 24 and as single as they come.. yes that's a ways from 30, but that's not the point right now... one of the closing statements by the author mused that in the pursuit of "finding themselves", women may use the excuse of being in fear to lose themselves in order to keep them from giving any part of them away...
i don't know if i would agree with that -- but i do have commitment issues, i will admit that fairly readily... i just haven't found the right person...
sitting around the table with my dad's co-workers last night, i highly doubt i'll find that person in rural wyoming... true, all these people were 20+ years my senior, but not the point... our interests, our viewpoints, our priorities, all in different places, different levels... they are all great conversation and wonderful people... we're just different, and many of the people here in town (all 1,800 of them) have similar trains of thought... so my dad's subtle messages of wanting me to settle down in wyoming and get a career, house, car, husband, etc. may have to continue a little longer and remain unfulfilled...
and selfish as this may be, i will wait for the one that appreciates, understands, challenges, and respects my thoughts, passions, motivations, beliefs... i won't become apathetic to myself in fear of "missing out" on family life in my 20s... whatever we do in life, there's always something we're missing...
Kyle's thesis statement: acceptance is the key to happiness, acceptance of the things we can't change, and acceptance of the consequences of those we can change... whatever my choices, whatever my life, i will be happy with it, single or not, 24 or 34, still searching for myself or learning how to share...

colors of an ice-covered edible rainbow

my first snow in about a year... since new years 2006, really... the 2 weeks i spent in the USA last year weren't very "white" as far as ground cover goes, very brown... but back to now, got to experience the NYC rain/sleet/snow... fun... i still ventured out, saw grand central terminal, carnegie hall, central park... and this was the day i walked past stuff, took a photo, and kept going... cuz the weather sucked, plainly said... but checked out the hershey's store (not impressive) and M&M world... very impressive... all the colors and chocolate everywhere... if i could fall in love with a capitalistic business, this would be it :) but came home to watch 'memoirs of a geisha' -- and then deni and vasi came home and we ordered sushi and had conversations in english and bulgarian (cuz deni's mom is also over to visit and she doesn't speak much english)... some sentences can be understood regardless of what words are used though ;-) a very relaxing night, good to catch up with deni and vassi... i couldn't live this life though... vassi works 8-4, deni works 9 - 9? 10? 12? 2am? whenever that day's project and reports are finished... she's in investment banking, she wears a suit and reports to VPs and MDs and etc etc etc but loves the people she works with and for, which is good... its the kind of job you need, i think, to be able to live in new york, to afford it, survive it... its a busy city, a tall city, a noisy city... i just don't think i could live here, ever, and actually enjoy it, and i don't think that about many places at all, just here and paris so far, i guess... i would even live in london over new york... its the type of city where adults are made, and i don't think i'm ready for that :D