valentine

individually created
wonderfully made
lovingly cherished
beautifully named

passionately treasured
eternally claimed
happily welcomed
unashamedly saved

stand like william wallace and be braveheart

"it's about freedom. we value our freedom. when you start taking away our freedoms, that's not right. that's socialism."

a conversation i had with a friend's dad the other night came to a halt with this sentence. we had been talking about health care. my friend's mother seemlessly changed topics to curling (the sport, not the hair). but it made me think:

americans value their freedoms, i agree there; most people do. but what is freedom?

wikipedia states a few definitions, including these two:
free will - the ability of agents to make choices free of certain kinds of constraint and political freedom - the absense of interference of the sovereignty of the individual by use of coercion or agression

these are the freedoms, i think, which many americans fear are being treaded upon with a concept of national health care, paid for by taxes -- free will, for that percentage of their money to go towards what they choose, and political freedom, in that the government is removing that individual sovereignty. freedom to choose who money benefits...

but americans willingly pay for other public services - such as police officers, schools, libraries... i personally have never called the police to protect me, or have ever had children to send to school (but i do use libraries)... so why would having someone reaping health benefits from this same cut be any different? argue that someone will take advantage of the system -- someone is already taking advantage of the system... advertisement, marketing, entertainment takes advantage of the consumerism system... why not have someone actually benefitting for once? improved health cannot be a bad thing, same as improved protection, education, and knowledge...

and why fear socialism? i have done no research into this but this is my gut feeling -- because we are told to... especially america's baby boomer generation, who fought war after war against countries who were not necessarily democratic nor capitalist... they were the other guy, the bad guy, and they all fall under generic labels such as socialism... i'm not suggesting anarchy, to stampede the white house, nothing of the sort... i'm suggesting losing labels, past fears, deeply-ingrained messages, all of which is really difficult to do... but to open your eyes, ears and minds is a freedom we possess... and can value...

the beautiful intensity

a bruised and broken heart
scarred over, hardened
heavy
lifted by bruised and scarred hands
surrounded
lightened
enlightened
healing through surrender
joy through tears
a rush of fire
rain
wind
storms
and then
peace
glowing in stillness
featherlight
met in a dark corner of myself
to be led into the light
and called home.

the strength of the grip of the devil

"dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. and this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. and this is how we know that he lives in us: we know it by the Spirit he gave us."

foundation of what it means to follow God's command -- believe in the name of Jesus and to love one another... i know myself, i fall short on both of these two little things multiple times a day, and yet they are simple things... both containing power, both being controversial and against the grain of society, both worth dying for, both worth living for...

the dirty history of the church has too often focused on the first bit and forgotten the latter... as followers, we are called to love one another, acting out in love as motivated and urged by the Spirit.. you know the feeling, i know it... that little lurch in your stomach to do something a bit unusual but helpful for someone you don't know, you don't even like maybe... the little voice in your head that tells you to say something, stop talking, choose your words wisely, or just to shut up... the wonder in your heart that thrills at the small variations in people, that makes us all unique and different and therefore a facet of the glimmering diamond in God's eye...

love allows us to not let the differences get in the way of knowing we all are loved the same... we don't have to understand all of the different ways of living, languages, cultures, traditions, musical preferences, style of dress... we can accept and love it because God loves it... He made it...

so why is it so hard? why is it easier to give into fear and self-absorbed living and exclusions and forcible conversion? why is it so difficult to love?

maybe it's simply too powerful, too powerful to effectively encapsulate in a human being? is it a testament to the Godly nature of it that we just can't handle it all the time and have to act otherwise?

still have to try... but I'm sorry for when I fail... but I will keep trying...

even tomboys want to be treated like queens

"if a man we don't know phones us up one day and talks a little, makes no suggestions, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we're quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. that's what we women are like, and there's nothing wrong with that - it's the nature of the female to open herself to love easily." (from "the witch of portobello" by Paulo Coelho)

i think there's a lot of truth in that statement... for one reason or another, women seem to seek and be more open to love than men (please take all sweeping generalizations with a pinch of salt)... i've learned that regardless of the fact that i have fantastic friends around the world and in my house, a loving family, a wonderful church and great co-workers, there is still an emptiness which craves the love and attention of a single man... to be recognized as special, different than the other people in his life, to be physically attractive, to catch the light in a room, that causes the world to go silent for just one person...

so putting aside my pride and fear of commitment (or at least ignoring them), i signed up for online dating... i had never really considered it before, but i figure that i don't know anyone in my life who is male, single, available and interested (and compatible, for that matter), so i might as well go to the places where others are looking... i get too defensive in pubs, so it had to be online...

it's been a real learning experience, about how to answer the static computer questions honestly, how to screen emails from potential stalkers, how to ignore guys that just don't grab my interest, and to realize how shallow i can be at times!

but it's still a game of patience... there's a part of me that wants to find someone who is easy to talk to, treats me with respect and doesn't push things... but there's also a part of me that wants to be wined-and-dined, that wants someone to have the boldness to say "want to meet somewhere this weekend" even though we've only traded "ice breakers" online, someone who readily accepts leadership as well as compromise in a relationship... i've been the one who's dragged relationships before, giving all my energy without it clicking, and it's not easy nor fun.. i'm not going to do it again... i've been told i'm an intimidating person, and i know i have a fairly assertive personality... i need someone who's willing to introduce romance into my life, no matter how difficult that might be...

i am just a girl, after all...

2:15.29

5:45 am -- alarm goes off.
6 am -- trying to force myself to eat breakfast and stay awake. it's simply too early but food is necessary!
7:30 am -- standing in line at the port-a-loo, still not really awake and not fully aware of what's going on.
7:45 am -- we are directed towards our "pens" and we stand, in the fading rain, waiting with people dressed in various colored shirts and all conducting strange little routines (some serious, some not)
7:53 am -- singing "500 miles" at the top of our lungs, still standing in the middle of a "pen" in the middle of the street
8 am -- clock starts
8:05 am -- cross the start line, thus begins 13.1 miles of running!
10:20 am -- cross the finish line. thus ends 13.1 miles of "running"!

so. as i sit here with icy-hot burning / cooling my quads on a sunday night, thought i'd recount my half-marathon experience whilst it was still fresh on the mind and muscles. it was a perfect morning for it, about 12 degrees Celsius, overcast with a drizzle of rain right at the beginning but waaaaaaaaaay too early in the morning for me. the nice thing is, it was early enough where i don't remember much of the first 4 miles and it doesn't feel like i was running for over 2 hours today. so that's nice. however, i can't say that i'm inspired to do a full marathon. watching the elite runners in the race after us, running twice as fast as our pace, i really respect people who dedicate so much time and energy to training for distance running... i am not one of those people naturally, and it will take a lot of convincing and an amazing charitable cause to ever get me to run a marathon. i think if it was something you could just get up and do, it'd be fine. it really is all the training it takes to be able to run that distance and actually enjoy / survive it.
so i'm slightly pessimistic at the moment -- the last half of my half marathon was quite painful, to be honest... i had a massive side ache that wouldn't go away, and this weird bloated / overhydrated feeling those last 6 miles (maybe too much information for you, sorry :P ) and as soon as i finished, my quads seized on me and continue to be rock-solid unhappy bunnies... but saying all of that, the rest of me feels fine and my breathing / heart rate recovered quickly, which is a really good feeling..
knowing i can be pushed that far is also a good feeling... calling a 30 minute run a "short" run now, instead of a long run, is also a good feeling... icy hot on my quads is an AMAZING feeling! and knowing that i did this for a great charity with a fabulous team of girls is also amazing..
just don't think i'll be running a marathon anytime soon. :)

i love haggis btw

if you lived with me at some point, you probably know a lot about me, but random list of things you might not know...
i sneeze a lot... at least once every morning, thus at least once every day
i cut my fingernails at least once every other day... a strange obsession from years of playing volleyball, playing guitar, and now rock climbing
i love to experiment with cooking... at the moment, my lunch is a calzone with caramelized onion and cous cous, peppers, salsa, jalepenos and cheddar... sadly inspiring but nothing other than what's in the fridge
i'm not a morning person but i love waking up to the sun and birds singing... it could be 4 in the morning and i'd be perfectly happy waking up to that... especially if i had been sleeping in a tent
i am terrified of heights... hate them, but loved skydiving
i dream of a place where people break out into choreographed song on the street... watching "glee" and eating jelly beans fuels this dream, it's just so happy
i'm a socialist at heart... controversial to some
i would love to open a cafe called "holy guacomole" because a friend of mine had a dream where someone gave him a chimichanga and told him, "keep this chimichanga for Mother Teresa"... pure genius