shadows of tears

i want to talk and talk and talk and talk... but i can't find the words to say...
my heart is aching, wounded, broken... but light and secure...
to be forgiven is one thing... to live it out is another...
to be released from the past and the sin and the anger and mistakes allows me to act more fully in love, peace, patience, kindness... but do i have the courage to go through with it all?
God will grant me strength... but how do i know how to use it?
and why do i find it easier to trust in perfect strangers than those who were there the day i was born?
does this geographical distance reflect the wall that i've placed around my heart? do the wounds run so deep i need to hide them with an ocean?
at what point do i speak? at what point do i ignore it all? at what point does my pain become unbearable? at what point is it right to be honest and confrontational?
and would it do any good?
guess some of the words were there after all...

taken like moths

"Humanity is identity. All men are the same clay. No difference, here below at least, in predestination. The same darkness before, the same flesh during, the same ashes after life. But ignorance, mixed with the human composition, blackens it. This incurable ignorance possesses the heart of man, and there becomes Evil.

... What is required to exorcise these goblins? Light. Light in floods. No bat resists the dawn. Illuminate the bottom of society."

- Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

spring thaw

Edinburgh has been blessed to get a really white, beautiful Christmas and New Years holiday... now it's all melting and turning slushy and muddy like the Scottish winters I've seen before, but it makes me sad because I love the snow... it's fun, it's cold, it's surprising, it's fun, it wakes me up in the morning, it's fun, it reminds me of my childhood, it makes me feel justified in eating lots and drinking hot chocolates, and it's fun... and now it's all going away and getting messy... bring on the daffodils... in january... :(

but reflecting and being all metaphorical like i like to be, i really want my heart to thaw a bit this year... there are walls i'd rather not have to maintain, hurts i'd like to let heal, people i'd like to forgive, and pasts i'd like to move on from... some run deeper than others... but they all hold me back and weigh me down... i know i can't do it alone and i don't want to do it alone... to let go, to be vulnerable, one has to be secure enough to go into that open space, to believe that there is more love present than pain, more acceptance and less judgement, and peace that will remain after the storms...

with some of these things, i'm struggling to have the courage to break down the bricks... with others i'm simply lost and don't know where to start...

a resolution i've made this year is to listen more... i firmly believe God speaks to stumbling fools like yours truly, and i've heard his voice before... it has come as guidance and as comfort... but right now i need to have the faith that it comes as truth...

so here's to a messy and muddy spring... and the flowers that may bloom through it all

home for hearts

the last day of 2009 -- end of a year, end of a decade... personally, my sinuses are blocked and i slept 12 hours last night and still feel tired, so will probably be a quiet night, but i wish you all many happy celebrations!

a reflection on this year -- i've learned that what we truly seek in life is love... whether it's love for what you do, who you are with, where you are, or within one special person, we all want to feel love and be loved... although curiosity, anger, or ambition causes us to go places and do things as well, we always seek to return to the source of love...

let 2010 be the year of love for you

an unedited politically-edged rambling plea

with the wave coming up, and meeting in copenhagen, if climate change wasn't on my mind before, it definitely is now...
it is one of those things that we can choose whether or not to be apathetic...
yes it's one of those really big global problems that it seems like a little action won't amount to much, one person can't change anything, and no one is really certain about who and what causes the most damage, how to fix it, and who should take responsibility...
so it's easy to cast aside, think that it's either hopeless or someone else smarter/richer/more powerful will take care of it...
there is no such thing as someone else... we all know how much we can influence our own lives, but we will never have any idea of how much we impact the world -- even if you don't try... inaction still has effects...
you don't have to protest, you don't have to become vegan, you don't have to stop travelling... for now, all i ask is that you care and that you might consider letting that change your behaviour, even just a little bit...
we share this earth, we live on this earth, it is our home... even if you aren't convinced that the world is heading for climate and habitat destruction, just consider helping to reduce your impact on it, even just a little bit... it may thank you...
just please don't be apathetic...

the canal from my two wheels

the union canal cuts through edinburgh and makes up most of my commuter route in the morning...it's a busy route -- it's a menagerie of cyclists, runners, walkers, businessmen, mums with babies, dogs, cats, rats, swans, and rabbits...
the canal can be really still... on quiet mornings, the water simply reflects the remainder of the dawn that lingers in the morning, only disturbed by the dedicated rowers and the ducks that take advantage of the early light... other mornings, the canal moves really swiftly, and often i find myself fighting the scottish wind which is so determined to knock me into the water... raindrops often break the surface of the water, another reminder that i am definitely in Scotland...
quite a few swans live along the canal, including the group that have adopted a Canada goose... mallards congregate, and moorhens duck in front of your bike tires, like being squashed by cyclists is a fun idea... gulls and terns swoop over head, and magpies and blackbirds sing in the bushes along the other side of the path...
nighttime comes earlier nowadays, and everything looks different... i don't have one of those effective bike lights -- it's main purpose is so others can see me, not so i can see... all senses are heightened and although some parts are lit by street lights, most of the way i have to rely on a mental map of the canal... can't predict the bumps or puddles anymore, its just blinding moving along and trusting that the path hasn't taken a sudden detour and sends you flying into the canal itself to join the sleeping ducks...
not to mention the rats, maybe they are water voles, but they only come out to play after the sun goes down... there's been times where they have ducked my tires as well...
there is also the saxophone player... at lunch time he stands under one of the bridges with a tenor saxophone, bike lying at his side, and plays... just plays and plays and plays...
it's not a bad commute, really :)

a long-lost love returns

it's october -- not quite sure how that happened, but it did.. with it, was the arrival of autumn!!
i've always loved the autumn season; as a kid, it was because my birthday is in november, and that scores big points (still does, i guess!) and now i think the admiration is increased because last year i never saw autumn... we went from scottish spring to american summer to south american winter to new zealand spring to australian summer to japan winter to thailand... well, it's always hot in thailand, isn't it?
so the turning of the leaves, the smell of fireplaces in the air, the bite of the wind in the morning, the excuse to bake things with apple and cinnamon, the coziness of blankets, and the promise of colder weather and longer nights... it's all very very exciting...
and my birthday is coming... yay!