self-exiled

again, the questions of where to do next lie in front of me... where to live, what to do when i'm there, who to be with, the questions we all face... moving in with my parents is an option, where i would work in that little town is a huge question but i have the blind faith that something would work out, as would meeting new people and friendships to be formed... the faith that i would be happy there is severly lacking, however... staying in the uk for a bit longer is also an option, albeit a more complicated one, logistically... all and all, the one thing i fear is getting stuck... i don't want to get bored, burnt-out, isolated in my own depressed and idle state... i would want out... but where would i go then? where is out? is that going to be a life-long trend -- i get bored, so i want out, something new, foreign, terrifying, different... eleanor roosevelt said "do one thing everyday that scares you"... it keeps the adrenile up, the nerves awake, the senses alive, life unpredictable...
a good thing, i'm not bored in scotland yet... i complain about the weather, but on days when the sun shines, i can't help but smile... i guess the rain even makes me laugh sometimes... but when is this stage of my life done? when is my next tangent? and where will it go...

the tension within

growing up in rural north dakota, where most people have some sort of guidance by the Christian church, i was under the false impression that being a Christian is easy... you go to church, go to school, go to work, all with the same people... no need for theological or philosophical argument... ha.
being a Christian is not easy...
the concepts are easy enough... love your neighbor... give to the "have-nots" what you have enough of... love your God... forgive (although that is a very difficult thing, the concept itself isn't too hard)... treat others like you would like to be treated, genuine and kind... basically, love...
why is it so difficult? why does Christianity have a bad reputation, and those that claim to be tolerant are intolerant of Christianity alone? why must those who live today suffer the angst caused by those of generations ago?
it isn't easy... it is no longer conventional... but we were warned... and its worth it...

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.Romans 8:17

music and peace and the gift of the tree

jared, zelda, and i went to a xavier rudd gig on wednesday night... i'm convinced there's no instrument the guy can't play... at least 4 different guitars, including a slap metal, acoustic, electric, and 12-string acoustic, while playing percussion (with his feet), and either harmonica or didgeridoo, or playing chimes and bongos and cymbols and bass... it was a really cool experience... also cool just because the guy really enjoys music, and playing music, and his beliefs and thoughts and soul comes out in his words... i like that... i believe that's what music is for... speaking to souls...

between Narnia and Terabithia

church makes me think... since karl, you read this every now and then, KARL YOU MAKE ME THINK! it's a good thing, and its a reason i went back to church in college... God brought me back to faith, faith brought me back to church...

anyway, not the point... the kingdom of God... manifested in the world... i have to say i've been blessed enough to experience it... working at red willow bible camp with some amazing Christians who aren't focused on litanies (i have no idea how to spell that), denominations, or Eucharist differences... although we discussed them between us who were Catholic / Mennonite / Lutheran / Baptist / Evangelical / non-denominational / confused, the differences between our faith in God didn't get between us or our focus on God... we had youth delivered to us every week, to escape from the "real world" / "matrix" / "civilization", whatever you want to call it, and we were all able to dwell in God's kingdom... not ignoring the pains and the realities of the life in which we live, but dealing with it and encouraging healing and faith and God showed His power... those were the most amazing summers of my life... the hardest thing was letting those kids go at the end of each week, knowing what they were going back to... but also knowing where we would return at the end of each summer...

we are in the world, but not of it... let Your Kingdom come

where have all the cowboys gone?

my flatmate naomi and i spend much of our time together, when neither of us is at work or working on college stuff, discussing the problems of the world, where they stem from, and how to solve them... our latest discovery: the issue with children these days -- apathy via Disney.

that's right, it's all disney's fault...ok, not in entirity, but hear me out...

think of the disney films "lion king" and earlier... all the way back to "snow white", the original, i believe... evil is a core presence in disney cartoons... everyone wanted Scar to get his just desserts... Captain Hook killed his own pirates with no regard and threatened the carefree lifestyle of childhood... Malificent is the scariest woman to ever be animated... maybe to ever be portrayed in a movie. ever. they all eminated evil. bad. they threatened lives, cast a dark shadow, scary music followed them everywhere they went, and their sidekicks, whilst they could be comic relief at times, they still had horrible motivations...

disney doesn't do that anymore... maybe they ran out of really really good fairy tales and folk tales and stories of ancient lore to animate... regardless, in one of their latest animations "meet the robinsons", the bad guy stole a time machine or something that threatened the advancement of technology in the future, so the futuristic world wouldn't have flying cars... simplified, but you get the idea: weak....

with definite sides of good and bad, we could identify with the good side (presumably), and actually care about the outcome... we wanted good to win, evil be defeated, and our disney happy ending... and those villains were more evil and heartless than anyone we could ever imagine possibly existing (i hope and again, presume)... without this, we become apathetic... and i think it could possibly affect kids in reality... the line between good and bad is blurred, characters are too "pc", and that carries over... good and bad don't have definition, everything is acceptable, and when you try to say something isn't (like knife or gun violence), they don't care because they can't see that...

if jafar or the evil stepmother were walking the streets, life would be different...

we still get it in live action films (harry potter, lord of the rings, even the first pirates of the caribbean)... good fights evil... evil is defeated, even if its a horrible, gruesome, difficult fight...

if we can't figure out if we're the dragon or prince charming, how is sleeping beauty ever going to wake up? ok, that's a bit airy and philosophical and i could go on forever, but you get the picture...

radio broadcasting

its one of those things you can't help but reminisce about... a few days late, but nonetheless...

i ignore alarms in my sleep... i've slept through a fire alarm once... so i wake up to the radio, i have for years, and i probably always will... during high school i had this amazing talent of going to sleep around 2 and waking up before 7 and not being tired... but my alarm would go off around 6:15 or so, i'd hit the snooze once or twice, and then venture out of my bed and out the door, more or less... that morning, i remember hearing something about a tower, on fire, plane crash, vague words that didn't seem like they were news at the moment, more like words from an insurance company commercial... and then i hit the snooze button... i woke up with the next blurb of radio, and walked up the stairs... my brother, 11 years old at the time, had this thing about waking up at 5 to watch ESPN... i suppose its so he can join in the sports chat all day long at school... but it wasn't NFL highlights... it was new york city, one tower of the world trade center, burning, pieces of glass and plane and walls flaking off of it... a few moments later, another plane intercepted the screen and the second tower was hit, live on national television... i don't think either my brother or i really realized what was going on...

that day at school, like most places across the nation, we watched cnn all day long, hearing updates about more plane crashes, pilots, victims, cell phone calls... it's all kind of a blur... but the next morning, as i was walking through the park to school, one of the many usual pickup trucks drove by, windows rolled down, stereo blasting... it wasn't the usual rap / r&b / country mix that everyone listened to at the time... it was the patriotic anthem "God bless the USA"... i don't know if i've ever experienced a more patriotic moment...

that was the day i thought the nation could change... the world could change... we could all be united for a cause, the ageless cause of being disturbed by evil and fighting against it... but evil has corrupted the antagonist of evil (sorry this is getting vaguely preachy and political) but no longer is our reason for remembering 9/11 a memorial to those who were sacrificed, to those who altered the path of the plane meant for the white house, to the everyday people who became heroes, to those who lost loved ones, to those who stepped up in uniform and dedicated themselves to the freedom and liberty america was founded upon... not that i'm a politician or understand much of what's going on, but i just view everything that has emerged from all of this as a struggle for power... power over money, resources, people, a fight to gain something for ourselves... yes we lost something that day, 6 years ago, but we are losing more and more as the days go on, and i can't see us gaining anything worthy enough to replace all that we've lost...

machismo

i wonder about my image sometimes... i wonder if some guys are too convinced that i'm "one of the guys" and hence i don't have my days where i'm crabby, moody, just need to be left alone, and all the stress won't go away with food... it usually helps, but in the last week when i've been moderately stressed, i've noticed that my male friends are a bit confused and a little hurt by my snappy remarks and desire to just have time alone... i try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum, as i always do, but with my masters thesis looming over my head, it's been a bit stressful... so i do apologize... but i also use the excuse that i'm a girl and that's the way we are sometimes... that said, guys have mood swings too, but i guess i want to make it clear that my stressed-out behavior is nothing personal, against anyone... and i am continually amazed at the patience and love that my friends all possess...

another note, now that jared has moved in with naomi and i, i've noticed some interesting things about living with a guy... they are more concerned and less-laid back about things (like a smelly fridge) than they'd like to appear... they are much more concerned about their appearances than they'd ever admit... no matter how many times you remove them, the newspapers ALWAYS end up back in the bathroom...