incense

i read patrick suskind's book "perfume" earlier this month; the film "perfume: story of a murderer" was based on it, and i guess it was well done, but i recommend the book... highly... it takes you deep into the narrative of a mind (for most of the book) that is completely geared by his olfactory senses and it motivates and controls his life... its absolutely crazy but really well written and a fast read, although i didn't really want it to be...
naturally made me wonder about the scents in my life, how certain smells make me think of certain places, certain people...

• a combination of fire, lakes, insect repellent and sun block: red willow bible camp
• old spice: my grandfathers
• chocolate chip cookies and bread: my mom
• oil and old spice: my dad
• cut grass, chaf in the wind, downy fabric softener: my farm and my childhood
• brownies and a gas grill: 1680 marshall
• the weird combination of smells at cafe mac: cafe mac
• pine trees: my cousins farm
• and a bunch of other things that i can't remember now or always identify...and some are just really random...i won't bore you with details...

and then there are the scents of people -- their actual scent, which sounds weird and kinda creepy but we all have a scent... usually you only notice it when you go into someone's house, or their bedroom, or borrow their shirt or blanket or something... it smells like them... this smelling sense, highly underrated and under-acknowledged...

you make me feel -- isn't that enough

it's over... for over two years i've either wanted it to continue or it to be finished, and it's finally that... it's a good feeling... like the feeling when i was walking on the east sands of st andrews saturday morning, walking barefoot in the north sea, rain on my face, tears on my cheeks... hearing a voice saying "it's okay to cry... even i cry... but i will wipe away your tears... i always will"
it hurts to cry... but the feeling when they dry is euphoric...

poof

just a curiosity: what are the chances that a black bag sitting outside of JK rowlings house with the label "shredded paper" would be the shredded remains of the editings of her latest book?

toasted spagnum

edinburgh is an amazing city, full of cool accents, beautiful OLD buildings and landmarks and such, and lotsa green space to escape to and forget you are in a city...
cat and i went hiking around arthur's seat to get out in the sun, enjoy our holiday, and look for and identify moss... yes moss... remember i am a nerd, have always been one, and quite proud of it, and our professor decided at the beginning of the term that cat and i were british moss experts, since neither of us grew up anywhere near britain (her in africa and myself in nodakland), so we need to keep up our reputation... obviously...
long story short, in two parts: cat lives about a 7 minute walk from the base of arthur's seat.. it took us 30 min to get there cuz we took a detour through the edinburgh projects... made me smile and reminded me of the kids that i worked with for the last two summers...
part 2) we were busy planning the business that all of us crazy MSc students were going to open, calling it "jobbie hunters" and came around a corner to find a ~55 year old man, sunbathing in public, completely in the buff, stretched out like Tyra in a centerfold... it's Scotland, in APRIL, yes its sunny but still only 60 degrees F or so... we were speechless... and that takes a lot... but that moment inspired the moss song over lunch... ask if you like, but be forewarned if you are ever hiking in the middle of a city on an old volcano: you never know what you will find

confessions of a nose picker

you know everyone does it now and again... admit it...
anyway, i have to say, for easter sunday, i did absolutely nothing to celebrate the resurrection of my savior... as bad as that sounds, i did cook a massive brunch for ~15 people, had an easter egg hunt, complete with prizes, and people stayed around til 4 am, and since i'm now on spring break, i'm enjoying people's company and being in this grand city of edinburgh, and enjoying life really...
i've realized how much i love holidays... they are just specks of time, days in the year where we change things just a bit to remember something special, because its special to us, and usually we share that with the people around us... take pictures, eat food, tell stories, laugh til it hurts, send flowers, give hugs... and then we go back to routine, knowing that life is a little bit better because there are things worth celebrating...
they're also little reminders to remember the blessings of monotony in life...
so although i didn't go to church, didn't go to the big easter worship concert, and i didn't read the easter story that night... i am so thankful for all the blessings in my life, and i couldn't have designed a better way to celebrate than my 14 hour food fest and sharing it with the random people in my life here on this island...
happy easter to all, and to all a good night!!!

the wonder years

i stayed up last night until 1:30 reading some of my writings from when i was a teenager, 10 years ago... sigh...
it made me re-realize how angry i was, how emotional and raw and questioning i was... and how stoic and silent and strong i appeared on the outside... i wrote things down cuz i didn't think anyone would care to listen... i needed a vent, something to help me clarify my thoughts, feelings, life... guess i haven't changed much :) but that's not the point...
looking back, i like that person... angry, depressed, young, ignorant, but real... i think that's why i still like teenagers... i like how they think, see the world, how they are so in tune with their emotions cuz they're so self-focused (generally)... but they're real... adults are too good at using rationale to smother their emotions... too busy to pay attention to the little things in life that matter... too stressed to even bother realizing all they should be stressed about... they switch off, do things that are logical, responsible, the status quo cuz its easy...
i would never go back to my teenage years, and i would never change them, but i will also never be one of those adults that is dead to life... i want to remain raw, sensitive, receptive, but i'm a different person today... i'm not angry, depressed, alone... i'm loved... and i can be vulnerable and still risk things in this world because i'm loved and i'm forgiven... i don't have to switch off: i have nothing to lose...
the world is so different to me now because i know that...

the fog in my eye

john 17
jesus prays for his disciples, his followers, his people...
verses 9 - 13, he prays for protection of his disciples, that they are not lost to the evil one, like the one who was "doomed to destruction"... ignoring the predestination tone of this bit, cuz i don't want to go there right now, this recording of an eavesdropped prayers (honestly, how else could John have written that whole thing down? and what was he thinking when he DID write it down? i think i would be crying... silently.. but that's a tangent...)
where was i...
oh yeah, this brings up the question in my head that i've debated and questioned and pondered with people for years, since back in the day at red willow bible camp: can believers ever lose their salvation? i have long believed that we can't -- once you accept the holy spirit and fully trust in Christ's resurrection and obey/rely/follow God as best you can, in the reassurance that you will fail and its okay, you can't lose that, or the promise of eternal life...
this intercession from Christ himself almost seems to prove me wrong... if he's praying for the protection of the people that physically followed him around in the dust and mud so they aren't lost, that implies they CAN be lost...
is it a choice we make? can we drop this gift and break it, once it's been handed to us?