mr. and mrs. hyde

you know when you're screaming in your head
so loudly you're going deaf
but no one else can hear
you're afraid to let them hear
they won't understand
they'll run away
they'll think less of you
so you keep it inside
hoping it'll die away
but it just kills you

someone once told me she was afraid to let "the real her" out, cuz people wouldn't know what to do with her... i think we all hide the scariest part of ourselves inside to some extent... in that, i would hope we would all be able to love one another and trust one another, despite and in light of those scary personas... maybe we won't know what to do with each other... that's when we lose control of our lives, and have the chance to let them go, fall into the hands of the Father...he's always reaching..

you know the depths of my heart yet you love me the same

jeremiah 18:13-15...
"Inquire among the nations:
Who has ever heard anything like this?
A most horrible thing has been done
by Virgin Israel.

Does the snow of Lebanon
ever vanish from its rocky slopes?
Do its cool waters from distant sources
ever cease to flow?

Yet my people have forgotten me;
they burn incense to worthless idols,
which made them stumble in their ways
and in the ancient paths."
i feel this is where my heart is...or something like that... i've ignored or overlooked the obvious signs of the Creator... the flowers blooming all over the city... the sunshine in the morning (or more often, the rain)... the acts of kindness, the extra effort to help or listen or laugh, a card in the mail, all because someone cares, someone loves... i look to random objects in my life for happiness or love and get distracted from the one who made me and loves me simply for that... i yearn for someone to see the beauty within me, to appreciate me for who am i, recognize that i am special, and yet i ignore the one whose love is unconditional and loves me despite the flaws, the dark spots, and the stains on my soul... so i stumble, and doubt, and question, and cry, and hide it all inside... i know better...
i was contemplating while brushing my teeth the other night... i can connect with lots of people emotionally, psychologically, physically, religiously (in the notion of sharing the same faith)... but spiritually, actually connecting with someone on a soulful level, i think that's incredibly rare... to be with someone who compliments your soul, makes you feel alive, makes you want to be a better person because they make you feel better about yourself than you feel you deserve, they reflect the love of God although they are tarnished themselves... that's something special... that is love... i don't know if we each only have one soulmate, its a scary thought cuz its a big big mad mad world, but i trust God knows what he's doing when he sets out those paths in front of us, forked and all, so that we have to choose one way or another, but keeping his will in our journey... to recognize the person(s) who build up our weaknesses, rely on our strengths, bring out our hidden beauty and don't mind our obvious flaws... i must know myself, my heart, my soul... to know my soul, i must know the maker of my soul as intimately as possible...
so although i have those moments when i just want a foot rub, hot chocolate, and a midnight acoustic serenade, i try to remember that i need to work on getting to know the source of eternal love before i can hope to rely on any human source...
or i will stumble on the rocky path, although the glimmer of snow-covered mountains rise above me... i am eternally thankful that my life is not shadowed in the wrath that Israel faced in the Old Testament, that Jeremiah was so burdened to witness... although i ignore, forget, and shun my God, he sent me My Savior...
forgiveness... eternal love...amazing grace

tlc

my friends are all beautiful... don't believe me?
go over to the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself you are beautiful... do it... cuz you are...
do it......
have a good day!

mortar and water

the samaritan woman at the well... that whole conversation recorded in john (chapter 4) is such a confusing chat with so many different layers of stuff flying about, i've got this great image of this woman in my head, trying to put myself in her place... but that would be a really long story, cuz i'm long-winded, but one thing that gets me, at the middle/end of that story... this chica figures out that the guy she's talking to is more than a sun-dazed nutter who wants a drink of water and is deliriously talking about the fountain of youth and such... he's a nutter that knows his religion, like many people, especially jewish people of the day... but she says one thing: i know that one day, the messiah will come... i KNOW he will come... she was a samaritan, a cross-breed of gentile and jew; a woman, a voiceless, faceless member of society; and she got around, couldn't keep a husband for the life of her... but she KNEW that the messiah was coming... be it that it may have been a culture where it was common-place to know the religious prophecies, she was not your stereo-typical religious person... but she still had the concept that there was hope for a better tomorrow, a faint glimmer that made waking up every morning almost worth it, and she KNEW the messiah was coming... i would've dropped my waterbucket when he said "i am he"...
if the lowest of the low, the outcast, the loose woman of samaria knew about Christ, who told her? if she hadn't been told, would she have recognized who sat in front of her at the well that day?
how will anyone recognize Christ if no one tells them who he is?

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?"

pondering peppermint patty

i sat and watched "bridget jones' diary" with a jar of nutella and a spoon sunday night... i have trouble admitting to that, but it was not out of depression or self-pity, i merely felt like not-thinking and enjoying chocolate...
that said, i was wondering while walking down the street, what if our lives were narrated aloud, much like they are in the movies? or if we had cartoon bubbles floating above our heads, displaying our thoughts? we'd all be much more honest, and in a lot more trouble, i think... i might be more cautious about guarding my thoughts, that's for sure...
another thought, someday i would like to write down theoretical and fictional stories of the lives of random characters in the bible... like the 12 disciples... mary... shadrach, meshach, and abednego... the talking donkey... what they saw, felt, thought, experienced, where they traveled, why they believed what they believed and what that actually meant to them, when they doubted, felt weak, questioned, and wondered the point of it all...
hot fuzz: good flick.
and the laziness thing... so far, not bad, could always do more but considering the academic work is going to explode on monday, definitely good timing to commit myself to staying on top of things...

you know when P. Patty always offered to hold the football for Charlie Brown, and then pulled it away and he always landed up flat on his back? its kinda like relying on people to keep things (aka life) together for you, but then it all falls apart when you need it the most, you end up flat on your back but its only then that you're facing the stars in the heavens and remember where you should've been trusting the whole time...

the extinction of the sloth

i've never given anything up for lent... it wasn't a tradition in the church where i was raised, and it's not something my family does, and although i've had plenty of friends "give something up" i've never really seen the point... contemplating over the actual reasons to give something up, i've been told a few rationalizations:

• giving something up, to take away something excessive or luxurious in our lives (like in the film "chocolat")
• to recognize the passover season
• to "suffer" for 40 days like Jesus did in the desert
• to remove something that is keeping us from God, something that is adding distance

and i've always liked when people add something to their lives to bring them closer to God, something that increases their understanding of Christ and His will for them in their lives... i've decided to give something up this season:

LAZINESS

i've gotten extremely lazy, all kinds of reasons aside... i'm done

"Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. - Eph 5 14-17

i will join my church in the 40 days of prayer and reading... i will take the initiative and spend time with people... i will do my studies as best as i can... i will exercise, i will learn to cook new things, i will email and send letters to people i haven't in a long time, i will know my limits but i will not simply NOT do something because i don't want to if something inside me tells me i can and i should and i will... i will spend more time with God and i will respond to Him...


i will remember that my Savior came to this earth, to exemplify God's will and thoughts and ideals for this world, so that we could all know how to live while we're here and so that we can all live when we're gone...

i think therefore...

we are not simply who we are...
a yellow flower in a field, a dandelion...
that same one in a prize-winning garden, a weed...
a lion in a zoo, a captive king-of-the jungle...
a lion in the wild, a threat to your children...
soda in a bottle, a fizzy drink...
soda out of the bottle, a mess all over the floor...
carbon in the sink of permafrost, frozen carbon...
carbon released into the atmosphere, catalyst for global warming...
3-meters of snow in the alps, good skiing...
3-meters of snow in Dallas, TX, national disaster and city holiday...
popcorn in a box, a snack to get you through a really intense film...
outta the box, something i have to clean up...
a guitar in the corner, a dust-collector...
a guitar in the hands of carlos santana, magic...

what is our potential? what are we doing with ourselves? we are who we are, but are we actually who we are supposed to be? are we valuable or threatening? suppressed or an uncontrollable mess? are we alive?
i believe that we are where we are supposed to be... even if we have had to make decisions, there is no right and wrong, if God is in front of everything and backing ya up all the way... its what we do when we get there... everything has a place, a time, a reason to DO something...
i may be a flower, but am i a weed or am i brightening someone's day?
wow that's one of the strangest analogies i've ever applied to myself, but you get the idea...
yep, those are my random thoughts for the day...