i've decided that i use this too often to complain about things, so i'm going to force myself to count the blessings in my life, taking advice from Og Mandino's "God Memorandum" -- regardless of my very strong natural tendencies right now... cuz i don't really have anything to complain about. really.
my family loves me... as much as we don't see eye to eye and we don't understand each other and don't listen to each other (sorry: complaining), we accept that and just get along, even when we really don't... they are crazy, fun, energetic, strange, and motivated people who only want the best for their loved ones, and willing to sacrifice much of themselves for that... proof is in the past...
i am sitting in an amazing spot in life right now... i am able to travel, see things and people and places, experience culture, food, music, and adventure beyond my farmhood imagination and there's more to come...
God loves me... as much as i've denied Him in the last - oh, lifetime, deep down i know this and maybe i'll get back to a place where i can feel this and see this without effort...
i am home for christmas... every serenader's dream... and its a white one, with more snow coming tonight!

working class barbie

my brother is writing an essay for school titled "what is happiness?" -- rather, he's supposed to be writing it but is watching ESPN... regardless, he has a collection of short essays in which to compare, contrast, etc. etc... one of them was an interesting take on the "modern woman" trend to stay single longer and delay, if not completely forgo, getting married and having a family... my brother (age 17) said its a selfish lifestyle and at 30 or 40, those women will look back and wonder what they missed out on... i gave him the eye, reminding him that i am 24 and as single as they come.. yes that's a ways from 30, but that's not the point right now... one of the closing statements by the author mused that in the pursuit of "finding themselves", women may use the excuse of being in fear to lose themselves in order to keep them from giving any part of them away...
i don't know if i would agree with that -- but i do have commitment issues, i will admit that fairly readily... i just haven't found the right person...
sitting around the table with my dad's co-workers last night, i highly doubt i'll find that person in rural wyoming... true, all these people were 20+ years my senior, but not the point... our interests, our viewpoints, our priorities, all in different places, different levels... they are all great conversation and wonderful people... we're just different, and many of the people here in town (all 1,800 of them) have similar trains of thought... so my dad's subtle messages of wanting me to settle down in wyoming and get a career, house, car, husband, etc. may have to continue a little longer and remain unfulfilled...
and selfish as this may be, i will wait for the one that appreciates, understands, challenges, and respects my thoughts, passions, motivations, beliefs... i won't become apathetic to myself in fear of "missing out" on family life in my 20s... whatever we do in life, there's always something we're missing...
Kyle's thesis statement: acceptance is the key to happiness, acceptance of the things we can't change, and acceptance of the consequences of those we can change... whatever my choices, whatever my life, i will be happy with it, single or not, 24 or 34, still searching for myself or learning how to share...

colors of an ice-covered edible rainbow

my first snow in about a year... since new years 2006, really... the 2 weeks i spent in the USA last year weren't very "white" as far as ground cover goes, very brown... but back to now, got to experience the NYC rain/sleet/snow... fun... i still ventured out, saw grand central terminal, carnegie hall, central park... and this was the day i walked past stuff, took a photo, and kept going... cuz the weather sucked, plainly said... but checked out the hershey's store (not impressive) and M&M world... very impressive... all the colors and chocolate everywhere... if i could fall in love with a capitalistic business, this would be it :) but came home to watch 'memoirs of a geisha' -- and then deni and vasi came home and we ordered sushi and had conversations in english and bulgarian (cuz deni's mom is also over to visit and she doesn't speak much english)... some sentences can be understood regardless of what words are used though ;-) a very relaxing night, good to catch up with deni and vassi... i couldn't live this life though... vassi works 8-4, deni works 9 - 9? 10? 12? 2am? whenever that day's project and reports are finished... she's in investment banking, she wears a suit and reports to VPs and MDs and etc etc etc but loves the people she works with and for, which is good... its the kind of job you need, i think, to be able to live in new york, to afford it, survive it... its a busy city, a tall city, a noisy city... i just don't think i could live here, ever, and actually enjoy it, and i don't think that about many places at all, just here and paris so far, i guess... i would even live in london over new york... its the type of city where adults are made, and i don't think i'm ready for that :D

wishing for the yellow submarine

i spent the day living vicariously through my own imagination, fueled by my scant knowledge of history and my surroundings... walking down the esplanade (i think) from the financial district to the staten island ferry, seeing the statue of liberty silhouetted in the sunset, and whilst on the ferry itself, cruising along in the waters... thinking, although this isn't the exact skyline that so many people, my own great-great grandparents included, yearned for, that copper woman on her lil' island was the sight they had all heard about... how glad they must have been, just for the sight of land after how many days, weeks, across a massive ocean... and i complain about jet lag after an 8 hour flight... how nervous, scared, and tentative about the unknowns that awaited on that shore... the anxiety with the legal process of immigrating... so many emotions on those ferries...
new york is one of those places where i can imagine some parts of history, like wall street and all that jazz... its what i do in the UK alot, also... except in the US, we're not as keen on keeping our old buildings, we'd rather have a plaque in the sidewalk outside of the skyscraper that now covers the area where something used to be... i guess there's a lot of mystery behind our fascination with history anyway... why do we dedicate massive buildings to put old stuff in? and we pay to walk around and look at this stuff, glimpses of the past, whether its a portrait, castle, or belt buckle...
its also the home of ground zero... its a massive construction site, which on a selfishly morbid thought, was somewhat disheartening for me... i like my photography, big fences, cranes, and orange vests aren't that photogenic... but that aside, its 6 years later... its time to rebuild... visiting the WTC memorial building brought me to tears today... the photos of the new york city skyline pre-9/11.. those towers were massive. walking along with the amoeba of corporate america and looking out windows to see construction, not a set of massive, glass-enclosed buildings looking back at me... i never saw the world trade center, but again, living vicariously, i can't imagine what it must be like, to see a gaping hole where a business center stood... my friends live 10 minutes walking distance, in a straight line, from where the twin towers stood... close enough to have felt the ground shake, smelled the fuel burning, hear the people scream... i can't imagine what it would've been like... so many buildings, so many people, so close together... and the heart of it all was slashed away...
so yes, today i cried... not because it affected me personally, nah, 9/11 has yet to mean something personally to me... so many others were hurt though, personally... they lost, they were left, they sacrificed...
right now, ground zero is not much to see... but its something i think every american should see... tragedies happen every day, everywhere, this is true... thousands of people are needlessly killed everyday... but taking it all on is highly overwhelming... oh i'm drifting... you get my point...

crunching the big apple

they wanted to charge me $7.50 for a chicken caesar wrap. welcome back to the USA! i said no...
so i'm back in the states, after the over night train from edinburgh to london, the train to heathrow, 6 hours in that airport, 8 on the plane, and 2 hours of various forms of public transportation in new york city, i sit in an apartment with my roommate from my first year at macalester, and my body thinks it's 4 am... and someone is vacuuming upstairs...
watched some great films on the way over... "waitress" which stars keri russell and andy griffith, a "sundance" film, really really good... all about relationships and realities and people and how we change... how life changes... "the darjeeling limited", again about relationships but family ones, a wes anderson film, and that about sums it up... and "the counterfeiters", a german film based on the true story of the jewish counterfeiters, printers, and artists who were forced to make british pounds and american dollars for the nazis during WWII... virgin atlantic is the way to fly, about 30+ films to choose from, great service, AMAZING desserts, and there was hardly anyone on our airbus flight so we all basically had rows to ourselves... not saying much for the environment, but i bought back the carbon miles already... need to hit the city tomorrow though, or later today... or whatever day it is... lady liberty here i come!

the spinning needle

two strands of thought:
first, the golden compass was an enjoyable movie: lots of action, great acting (for the most part), special effects were incredible... but complaints: i wish they had made the movie a bit longer and aimed for a slightly older audience, allowing for character development and a clearer story line; i didn't like how the reading of the alethiometer was interpreted, it bothered me how they changed the order of the storyline but understand why, and they changed a name... and the ending... but overall, enjoyable
second, i give full support to people who protest seeing the film for its anti-religion (anti-Judeo-Christianity, more or less) take, which i have to admit is clearer in the film than in the book... but please know what you're arguing against... like any good argument...

the eye in the storm.. and the storm

my friend jeannie also came to visit... it was a lot shorter of a visit and a lot more relaxed, meaning we didn't hit every 2-4-1 cocktail deal we found :) but it was still really good, she spent some time in inverness with her cousin also, so didn't see as much of her as i'd liked, but gave me a day to catch up on sleep :) we climbed arthurs seat, went to the national museum in edinburgh, saw lots more people in st andrews and saw the sights WITHOUT the crutches! went to a film at the dominion, had fish and chips, saw jk rowlings house, went around the Christmas carnival and german market in the city centre.. had some really good chats which was much appreciated.. good to just open up... wish it had been a longer stay but it's soon my turn to travel...

i'm flying out to nyc in 4 days or something crazy to start my own holiday, visiting my roommate from 1st year at Macalester to start the holiday, as well as catching more people from Mac and St. Andrews... then out to wyoming.. then north dakota... then minneapolis/st. paul.. then chicago... then back to edinburgh... why? cuz i'm home here, for now... its not permanent... those details later... but i can't find myself living in wyoming, trying to establish a temporary life and then leaving all over again... aside from my family, not much sits for me in wright, wyoming... the friends i had, left... like we all did... its all okay, i love where i'm living, who i'm living with, and where i'm working, even when i complain about it... so i'll be in the UK until the first part of may... after that?...