thanks for all the fish

ever watched dolphins, playing, laughing, dancing in the water and be jealous of their enjoyment of life?

when's the last time you skipped down the street, giggling like you were 4 years old, singing the song that's the melody of your heart?

swirls of green and blue

my utopia:
blue skies, green grass, fresh air, starry skies
no such thing as hunger, hatred, greed, jealousy, loneliness
predators might still live in conflict, but in balance
the existence of humankind wouldn't be its main problem
people would have their needs, and not more
those that needed something from someone would trade for the equivalent
balance
nothing more, nothing less
just balance

i think everyone has an idea for a perfect world... i think they all circle around the idea of happiness... many people i talk to (which will be the reason for the bias) speak of no global warming, no wars, no greed, no prejudice, no borders, no nations... just plants, people, animals, planet... life
i know some people dream of power, money, cars, plasma screens, multiple country villas, 24 carat everything... this is their utopia...
what really gets me, is that these people get their way

walking in the mud

i'm from a generation that knows church... knows it exists, knows the general beliefs, and knows what it talks about, regardless of the fact that i, personally, attend a church almost every Sunday... my generation, here in Europe, a place of ancient culture, tradition, and religion, does not know these things... people don't grow up in the church here anymore, and this is a new world for me... i hang out with scientists... i've done that for over four years now, the evolution stuff, the "creation is irrelevant" stuff, the "if God existed" stuff, the "science has replaced religion" stuff... i've heard it before... i don't have all the answers, but i've heard it before... talking with someone who doesn't know who God is, has no pre-conceptions of the Christian church other than "religious" people go there on Christmas, maybe Easter, and the super-religious go every Sunday... why? who knows...
she says that i'm religious... i try to read my Bible every night... why? aren't all the stories old, written to the people of that time, irrelevant now? prejudiced and used to justify war? why do missionaries feel the need to go out and treat people but then convert them? this Jesus guy, what difference would it make it he hadn't been killed, he been married and such... why go to church? why believe in something? why would such a big God care about our puny, individual lives? He/She/It wouldn't have the time to listen to each one of us...
not new questions, but the voice of a generation that is ever-present in Europe, and it is coming to rise in the U.S... a generation that really doesn't know Christ... our biggest complaint as Christians at Mac was that people had been exposed to the church and had bad experiences/correlations with it... this familiarity will be gone...
back in the day, Scotland was a hotspot for the Reformation --- now it is a pagan country... Africa is sending missionaries here... twists the definition of the third world...
I find it easy to forget that I am a missionary... this computer lab, this city, this church, my friends, God loves them... I am one of many vessels for His word... I have been sent here, and it's not a project... it's life...

dry eyed but crying

I watched "Blood Diamond" over the weekend... spectacular film... and quite entertaining when diCaprio slips back and forth between South African and American accents...
the violence didn't get to me... the boys losing their hands didn't get me... the drug use and language didn't get to me... the 8 year olds with machine guns didn't get to me... the blankness in the eyes of the leading actors when faced with death didn't get to me... it was all in the scenery... eastern Africa (according to the film, not personal experience, unfortunately) is beautiful... the vast expansion of land with few obvious signs of life, but when one looks closer, so much is there... the hills, the rivers, the bush and jungles, the culture, the people... when their faces weren't etched with fear, joy and love were present... hard living, but still, living...
but the destruction, the greed, the lack of caring about the destruction of that land, that life, those people, that creation... that's what gets me...
regardless of the price, the reward, the object in hand, could you look someone in the eye, and take away their life?
not necessarily their breathing, walking life, but also their farm, their family, their faith, their job, their home, their purpose, their gifts, their smile, their capacity to see a sunset and not dread the next sunrise...
we don't see it... we see billboards and tv ads and announcements on the news about wars in the middle east, AIDs in africa, and starving kids around the world... we ignore the shootings in our neighborhoods, the poor on our streets, and the homeless in our alleys... we change channels, flip the page, or maybe send a check, but we still own 8 pairs of black shoes, a tv in each room, a car for each person, and fancy over the sparkling diamonds in the window, to draw on the movie's point...
i know it was a film, but what's wrong with my life if i expect to see the militia take over a village and kill everyone in it? if a million people in a refuge camp doens't break my heart? i've met people who've fled from places like this... and they were 14... the world is not right...
what will we do to change that?

"we make these movies... two hours of micro-reality... how they move me... til i can't feel this tragedy..." - jeremy erickson. great man, check his story and music out

befallen

random complaint: coffee shops close at 7, 7:30 here. why? WHY? and yes, that includes starbucks... if you're lucky, 8:30... i'm done.

random encouragement: remember the stars.
in dark hours, in scary moments, in strange places, its so easy to feel alone... the thoughts in your head turn into torturing voices that remind you of everything that you don't like about yourself, whether you are envisioning them or they are true... to isolate you even more, convince you that you are not them, they are not you, and no one will understand you, and no one cares...
a long, long time ago, a similarly self-deceived being convinced himself that he was not like the others, he should not be treated like the others, and wanted everything for himself... others followed his rebellion but the power, glory, reward was all his... he was defeated, did not win his prize, and was shunned for eternity... God created Lucifer as an angel, designed to be God's messengers, servants, worshipers... he was cast out, spit out of God's presence for all time...
in the times when you feel no love, no compassion, no understanding, slap the voices in your head, as difficult as it may be... satan is lonely... he is banned from the source of all that is good and the source of love forever, and he wants company... he wants you... loneliness is one way to bring you closer...
we are not his... we will never feel his abyssmal loneliness... God turned his back on Lucifer... He also turned his back on Jesus -- so that he will never turn his back on the believers...
loneliness will not fill a God-shaped hole... don't be afraid to find the only healing source
"...I am with you always, to the very end of the age..." - Jesus, Matthew 28:20

you may not always feel him. or see him. or like him. but he's there... even if he's shining behind the clouds. around the world. sparkling.

orange blossoms

the fruits of the spirit... in VBS when i was 7 or so, we colored bookmarks with the fruits of the spirit, decorated with, you guessed it, fruit... i think this blocked the meaning of the actual passage for me for a long, long time... of the spirit, the Holy Spirit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control... these are manifested in lives that are led by the Holy Spirit... i tried to force these things last year, and failed miserably... i often get caught up in the idea that i can do things on my own, that my faith is strong enough that i can do this and that, i can live by my own accord... i didn't have any of these, and i was drained, forcing fake emotions over a sense of emptiness and numbness... when we allow the Spirit to work within us, these things will come naturally... and great things will happen... these things are FRUITS and we must nourish them, encourage them, but they will grow on God's accord, not ours... like any tree, we can water it, protect it, and provide it access to the sun, but the seed opens, and leaves sprout, and flowers bloom, and fruit is produced all within the hand of the Creator...

auld lang syne

i'm alive and back in the u.k.
thought that i should add that i did survive my travels, after many phone calls, greyhounds, standing in queues, really generous friends and family that let me mooch off of them without feeling guilty, and i had lotsa random conversations with random people, going random places for random reasons...
back to gale force winds, rainy bedrooms (yeah, my window leaks, boo), and the world of crazy academia...
here's to all the good in the world, and a new year...